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Please help I don't know what to do(79 Posts)
I apologise in advance if this is a long one ...
I don't know where to start really, been with my husband for 14 years, have 1 son who is 2 and a half. I don't think I want to be with my husband anymore.
I had another miscarriage in January this year and since then things have been awful. We've supposedly been "trying" for another since then but have only slept together at the very most about 4 or 5 times per month, probably even less. Actually went 9 weeks with no action recently. Constantly stays up late watching the fucking tv so of course when he comes to bed surprise! I'm asleep. Then he moans because he's tired and has to get up at 6am, (so do I) but will not come to bed with me at about 10pm. Drinks every night. And I mean a bottle of red wine and then 2 or 3 cans of beer/cider but will not be told that this is far far too much and pretty unhealthy, I find it repulsive that he drinks this every night.
Anyway, avoiding me everynight, the red wine makes him incapable of sex anyway, always on his phone, has changed the code for it 3 times since the beginning of the year, I only want on it to see his photo's of our son but he won't let me. Just all the nonsense with his phone, avoiding sex with me, secretive with his phone, always on it, never wanting to do anything with us at all, always talking about the same woman he sees everyday at work, speaks to her more than me so it seems, I think he's always messaging her aswell for the fitbit shite app they all have, so he made me think he was sleeping with someone else. I'm sorry if this is rambling there is just so much.
Was so sick of doing ovulation tests and letting him know the time was right, sitting waiting in bed for him like a complete fool, doing pregnancy tests and always negative, getting more and more angry every month that passes because I know if I went to the doctor about not getting pregnant(I've been off the pill for 1 year now) and said how little we had sex I'd get sent away and told to do it more (I have said this to him a few times with no response) I began to feel it was me, not attractive enough anymore, too fat,(I know I'm not really) etc etc but bloody didn't let him know that though.
Anyway things came to a head a few weeks ago, ended up putting it all on the table, all on him, asked if he was stressed, money worries, unhappy, work problems family problems etc all answered with no, it's fine, and no actual answers to what he felt was wrong between us, nothing wrong apparently, doesn't know why he's so fucking grumpy and miserable towards us all the time, shouting at our son for the tiniest thing, everything I say or do is wrong, stupid, not good enough, sleeps in the spare room most nights as he "doesn't want to wake me up".
One night we ended up talking/arguing til about 2am, he finally admitted that he has been actively avoiding having sex with me so I don't get pregnant, doesn't think he wants anymore children, money is a factor (which it absolutely is not, but he wont bother trying to expand the business to make more money and use my skills/knowledge to do so), thinks he's too old now.(45) Had a bit of an "Is this our marriage over?" moment. Why tell me that shit now? I have been with this man since I was 21, and I've always been very honest about wanting 4 children and not wanting to be an older mum. Not once has he said "I only want 1 or 2 children", NEVER EVER. I said that if he had been honest about only wanting 1 or 2 kids years ago then I would have dumped him and not married him. So he's just strung me along hasn't he? Because he knew that didn't he? I feel like he's cheated me out of the best years of my life, I only have 1 ovary and fallopian tube left after ectopic pregnancy surgery and am 35 soon, what the fuck is he playing at? He's been so dishonest about this that he led me to believe he was having an affair!!(which he still denies) Who does that?! I'm so sad all the time, I'm so angry all the time, with every period I get I feel so much hatred towards him. I keep looking at my son and feel miserable that he's not got any siblings. He doesn't deserve to be an only child, a very close friend is an only child and about growing up alone she said it was so fucking lonely. I'm one of 5 and husband is one of 4 children, how could he want our son to grow up alone when he never? I don't understand that.
I said to him if he doesn't want anymore children I want him to leave, but the response is "I'm not going anywhere" or "It's my house". He wont entertain going to marriage counselling. Won't move in with his dad to give us a break. Claims he still wants to be together and does want another child after all (but still stays up late drinking and not having sex with me, doesn't even touch me and don't ask me when he last kissed me) There's a few other things that he's done but this is getting very long and rambling. I just don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go and not very much money and 2 dogs and 2 horses I would have to move (and pay someone else to house), he can go to his dads huge empty house which is just over the hill, have asked him to go, told him to go, but he wont. I think I'm starting to hate him. he's carrying on in his usual manner like fuck all is wrong and it's pissing me off. I feel like he's going to string me along, like he has with everything else, having sex occasionally but not enough to get pregnant, then before you know it I'll be 40 and still not had another baby, and probably unable to. I can see it now and I don't want to let that happen. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me, I'm scared of what a divorce means and what would happen to me, I have nothing and nowhere else to go and he wont leave. I'm so sad, I've only ever wanted a big family of my own and he's purposefully denied me that and lied to me about it for years probably. I'm not living the rest of my life so miserably, I can't, but I don't know what to do.
Jesus wept. Do you even see him as a person at all, or is his only purpose in life to enable you to have the family you want?
Feel sorry for the poor guy. What a life.
Could it be he is still grieving from the miscarriages?
From your post there appears to be a lot of pressure on you both to have another child. Maybe there needs to be a step backwards to look at the positives in your life.
Has he strung you along? Or has he had a change of heart? Everyone is allowed to re-evaluate and change their minds. Albeit, he behaviour prior to letting you know isn't the the best.
Blimey Liara say what you really think! I imagine OP is focussing on her family issues because that's what's upsetting her at the moment but if they've been together for umpteen years it's unlikely he was always a sperm donor!
Could he have an alcohol problem? If so I would advise you to attend al Anon. Family support group, find your nearest online. This really is an awful lot of baggage to trawl through for both of you.
I grew up in a home where nightly drinking was problematic. It's not fun. It must be terrible for you.
Trying to conceive in the middle of this will be impossible the stress is just dripping out of you.
Hope it works out
I think perhaps marriage guidance would help you. The children issue is big, it needs resolving as do the other issues
Liara I'm gong to ignore your comment. We have been together for 14 years, building a home and a life together, I feel I've been mis-led to believe he wanted the same things as me r.e children and have just been told that's not true. How would you feel?
I really want us to go to couples counselling or whatever is available around here but he just snorts and says he wont go. I think we need to, we're both constantly arguing and I want it to stop, it's not good for any of us. He wont talk to me properly, just shrugs and says "I don't know" like he's in bloody school
I'm not sure if he is grieving about our losses, I always made sure to ask how he was feeling and try to have a conversation but as with everything he just carries on as if nothing has happened, I personally don't think that's a good thing and it can really annoy me for some reason as I like to be able to discuss things and not just talk "at" him if that makes sense. he describes himself as being "happy go lucky".
Sounds like he feels inadequate that he can't give you another baby. So he is saying he doesn't want one anyway! Maybe the phone secrecy is he has been using porn at night when you are in bed.
i don't think he has misled you. I thank that the ectopic and miscarriage has unsettled himand it has scared him. He doesn't associate pregnant with babies anymore. He sees it as a negative scary thing.
Then your sex life has become solely about making babies - sll that pressure? ? its notvery sexy is it??
I think that you should get some counselling yourself as. it must be so so hard for you to accept that maybe another baby isn't going to happen.
You are "blaming" your dh because that is something you can "control" but if (i sincerely hope not) you aren't physically capable of having another baby well that is just too awful to contemplate isnt it?
I really feel for you both actually.
I think counselling for both of you yes but you can have counselling alone and maybe he can do it later?
it sounds like in your mind he is the reason you haven't got more children when maybe its fate.
If you leave will you meet someone and forma relationship ready gor a child or go for a sperm donor?
I hope things work out for you but don't break up the gamily you do have for one that are possibly not meant to be.
I hope that doesn't seemharsh
i can feel your pain ftom your posts so it certainly isn't meant to be harsh.
It sounds like he is carrying a lot of baggage and this "keep quiet and carry" on is really masking a lot of issues.
You need to be compassionate towards him.
And with the greatest of respect no one can really choose how many children to have, it's affected by soooooooo many factors many of which you have cited. Often when going into a marriage you accept there are no deal breakers, otherwise you wouldn't do it. But deal breakers can arise at any point in a marriage, we all change through the years.
Oh my goodness, please do NOT bring another child into this relationship. So much is wrong. Please get back on contraception and face the fact that in life, things change, circumstances change, relationships change, people change, they are allowed to change their minds about whether they want children. That is their right. And then reassess what you want from that perspective.
Aside from all that your relationship sounds in its death throes. Sounds like you feel very let down and that's understandable. This is the issue that needs sorting. This is the cause of your anger, not the lack of pregnancy.
Lots of replies, I'll try to answer them all.
I hope he doesn't feel inadequate, he can get me pregnant after all, if anyone should feel inadequate it would be me as I keep losing babies. I would say no to porn, not really something he's ever been into.
I think the losses and especially the surgery did unsettle him, recovery took a long time for me, as I said earlier I was always very conscious of making sure how he was and how he was feeling but he's never really opened up about it. Sex life wise I've always had a high sex drive, much more than my husband so regardless of wanting to be pregnant I want sex anyway, my husband is attractive and sexy, I've never made it about getting pregnant, we've always been "if it happens it happens" but now I really want it to happen and it's just not. Constantly getting rejected has seriously affected my confidence and I just don't try any more and he doesn't either. Yes, thinking that I might never have another baby brings me to tears, even now just typing it. I love kids, I have a huge family, I've always wanted a big family. I don't want to break up my family but I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life, wanting something that someone else doesn't even want to try for. I can't imagine being with anyone else but we are so unhappy. Again, he won't entertain the idea of him going to counselling. I have thought about going on my own.
Yes everyone changes, I certainly have quite a lot, husband hasn't really and doesn't want to it seems which I am finding quite sad really. I am compassionate towards him, he just won't talk about things properly, it's like hitting my head against a wall.
Yes I do feel very let down. But also If I hadn't had a miscarriage in January I would be having a baby quite soon. when I said this to him and asked if he would've been happy with that or was he glad we weren't having another he said of course he'd be happy with having that child so I just don't know what to think with what seems to be a sudden change of mind. Maybe it's not sudden, I don't know, he won't talk to me properly.
You want different things.
If neither of you is willing to budge on that or work together on finding a solution then you have to consider your position.
You can't make another person change if they don't want to.
So - he doesn't want another child and because of this, Mr Diddums is making OPs life an absolute misery, barely touches her, drinks, shouts at their son, is secretive with his phone and talks to another woman? Is her wanting another child swith her husband so heinous an issue, that he has rights to act like a huge pain in the arse forever and a day? & they don't really have a decent relationship yet he won't leave?
Thats what comes to my mind
I think you should go to counselling without him OP, get your head straight about your next steps. Get financial and legal advice too. You don't have to be somehow punished or expected to live a miserable life simply for wanting another child with your husband. Don't buy into any of that. If he doesn't want another child thats his prerogative, but its also your prerogative not to do penance for wanting to become a mother again. He can leave, instead of wanting to live in an untenable situation and expecting you to put up with it
You aren't going to have another child with him, as he doesn't want that. Even if you somehow got pregnant, you'd end up raising 2 children in a miserable situation, and thats not fair on them
As painful as it may be this marriage is dead in the water unless you 2 can resolve the children issue, and since you both want different things it doesn't seem solvable. Have you thought about years down the lie, living in a marriage that isn't a marriage and likely both ending up hating each other? Whats the point?
You were alive and surviving before you met him, and you can survive now. He is not the sum total of your being so please don't act as if he is. Get your life sorted out then take it from there
Alternative? Lots more misery. & there are no medals awarded for that
I see this from a different point of view. You have lost 2 babies and I myself know the pain that it can cause. What if he is depressed about the loss and drinking to block out these feelings? What if he is avoiding you so you don't conceive again so that he doesn't have to see you go through the loss again (not to presume that would happen) maybe he finds it difficult to speak to you because you too are grieving the loss too and is expressing this through messages to a work colleague? Let's face it men are not the most forthcoming with their emotions and they tend to bury their feelings and then use avoidance tactics as they are unwilling to admit how they are really feeling. I think it's going to be exceptionally hard to work through this but you need to be honest with each other and be prepared to end the marriage if you really both want different things.
At work so can't reply properly, the drinking thing - he's always drunk every night it's just that now he's moved onto red wine instead of however many cans of lager. His whole family have been on at him for years about how much he drinks but he doesn't see it as a problem. He sees it as a 'treat' because he's worked so hard all day. He does not think it's a problem, I do, his family does and he is so stubborn/pig headed he doesn't listen. I wouldn't say he is an alcoholic or drinking to cope with any sort of stress, I think it's a stupid habit that is now out of control. Same with smoking, I gave up a 20/30 , day habit, he couldn't but - he wasn't addicted though, cigarettes aren't addictive. He has stopped now though but only after about 2/3 years after we decided to stop it together.
Your comments about only children are awful, really nasty. Also large families are terrible for the planet.
Bloke sounds like he's under a ridiculous amount of pressure.
Yes, he drinks too much, (he is an alcoholic btw, and cigarettes are addictive) but you are so far out of line on everything else.
You need some counselling on your own, for a start.
Have you ever stopped to think what you having an ectopic pregnancy and surgery was like for him? Yes, it was traumatic got you, but It quite possibly brought home the fact that he could have lost you and unsurprisingly he isn't coping with it very well because you're so damn desperate to have another baby. I don't blame him for avoiding you.
And you're comments about only children are unfair. It's perfectly possible for only children not to be lonely. It just requires more effort on the part of patents when it comes down to play dates and clubs/groups etc.
I think you need to take a step back, get back on the pill, stop hassasing your husband (in other threads, women are told multiple times that they do not have to have sex just because their husbands want to, same applies here) and start you're own councelling.
Op, try to talk to him again. Or write to him. I feel for you both. It sounds like he is frightened of pregnancy because he now doesn't equate pregnancy with a baby, it means pain. Try to get him to open up. This can be sorted. You sound quite panicky, which I completely understand, can you talk to someone about how you feel? I had a late missed miscarriage which devastated me and I phoned the miscarriage association and howled at this lovely woman on a regular basis until I finally worked through my feelings.
I just think you are both hurt and you both need to articulate that some how.
I'm not sure how my comments about not wanting my son to be an only child, and repeating what my friend has said about her actual life experience of being an only child can be taken as "really really nasty" - to who exactly? Bizarre.
Because one person's experience does not mean that all only children have miserable lonely experiences.
Just like not all kids that grow up with 3 or 4 siblings have a great childhood. I have three siblings and I hated my childhood and am now no longer in contact with any of them. So having lots of children does not mean your son will have a "better" childhood.
Yes I know ciggies are addictive - it's him that would say they weren't whilst completely unable to stop
As I said before, when we were going through the ectopic pregnancy, which was 4 years ago, we were always making sure each other was OK etc, recovery was slow for me and he looked after me very well which I made sure he knew I appreciated it. We just got on with things, viewed it as life saving surgery rather than anything else. We had our son after that, another miscarriage in January (3rd loss) and it's since then that I feel he's changed, not sure how it's out of line, after all it's the way he's made me feel by the way he's been acting towards me. I've never harassed anyone for sex! He was all of a sudden distant and avoiding me and wouldn't talk about why when we had discussed and were supposed to be trying again yet rejecting me all the time, its quite confusing to deal with. We need to try and talk again but I keep going from being so angry to quite sad, he's not back from work yet tonight anyway.
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