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Help me realise I've got to walk away

(13 Posts)
onmybroomstick Thu 01-Sep-16 20:44:34

I'm so in love with who used to be and still is my best friend. We crossed the line about 6/7 years ago and shared a few secret kisses/moments. Both got in to other relationships but stayed the best of friends. Relationships both ended coming up to three years ago. Ever since we've been an unofficial thing. He admitted he was in love with me and we should be together regardless of the troubles it would bring. I have children with an old friend of his. I would literally give up my whole world to be with this man properly. I worship the ground he walks on. Things got messy between him and his ex friend, my children's father, when he had a suspicion something was going on between us and we've basically kept it a secret ever since. He has nothing to do with my children and we spend every minute together that I don't have them. He spends time with my parents. He takes me away and he buys me gifts. I love him so much.
He hurts me so much too though. He can be quite nasty and selfish when he's in a mood and at the time doesn't care how upset I am. He manages to twist everything round on me so I feel like everything's my fault. I've just got to the point where I feel like a dirty secret. Like I'm not good enough to be made public knowledge. I know he thinks he'll look the bad guy if we come out together but at the beginning it didn't matter to him, it still doesn't matter to me what people think. I want to marry him. I've tried walking away before and I just cry and beg and tell him I made a mistake. He's cut me off before and couldn't stick to it and came back. We can't stay away from each other but were never gonna have the relationship i know I deserve. It's so hard he's all I want. My friends that know about us tell me I've gotta walk away. They say they hate how he treats me and hate that I let him. They don't understand why I love him so much, but I do. How can I walk away from the one thing I want most even when it hurts to be where I am now

booksandcoffee Thu 01-Sep-16 20:50:13

It sounds like you are in love with the idea of him. The reality of him is far from perfect. I had friends in a similar situation. They loved each other but we're seriously bad news for each other. That story did not end well, but yours could. Hear your friends and walk away.

besshope Thu 01-Sep-16 20:52:11

There'll be something in your background that equates 'love' to pain and/or putting up with crap or seeing beyond someone's flaws to make what is too many allowances for them. Ask yourself where and how you learned these things and understand that's what makes this person so compelling.
You deserve better than someone who can be nasty and selfish, and you know that.

RowenaDahl Thu 01-Sep-16 20:53:04

That sounds very complicated. Why do you need to keep it all a secret?

Put yourself first. What do you want? If you want the relationship out in the open and it's a dealbreaker then you're going to have to say that and stick to your guns/be prepared to walk away. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was interested in what I wanted. I was with someone like that many years ago and the relationship caused me nothing but pain. Life doesn't have to be like that.

user1471734618 Thu 01-Sep-16 20:55:33

you know yourself, and you said it, and your friends are telling you and now we are telling you - you have to walk away

onmybroomstick Thu 01-Sep-16 21:12:52

How? How do I do it. I'm lost without him. I miss him so much when we don't talk. I'm sat in floods of tears again over this man. I know i have to I just don't think I can. I don't want too, I want all the things we spoke about. I just love him more than I've ever loved any man, I don't think I've properly loved anyone other than him.

Runoutoftime16 Thu 01-Sep-16 21:24:03

I'm sure he's not sitting around in floods of tears. Move on to something less complicated.

FannyCabbage Thu 01-Sep-16 21:28:34

He sounds very manipulative verging on emotionally abusive. Imagine if this was a friend asking you for advice on their relationship? You say he's your best friend - he doesn't sound very nice. The right person for you could be out there whilst you're in this destructive relationship living in denial sad not judging but sending you lots of strength and positivity. You deserve better.

onmybroomstick Thu 01-Sep-16 21:54:53

My best friend tells me he's emotionally abusive and chooses the word manipulative as the best way to describe him. I know I sound pathetic and it's so not like me. I know everyone is right I just can't find the strength in me to let him go. How weak am I

booksandcoffee Fri 02-Sep-16 18:57:10

You do not sound pathetic, but you do sound as if your default mode is to put yourself down. Presumably part of his appeal is that he does this to you as well, directly or indirectly. BEESHOPE's response sounded pretty accurate. Could you try something like mindfulness or CBT as away of detaching yourself from the situation/teaching yourself to respond differently? Good luck.

ViolettaValery Fri 02-Sep-16 21:37:05

What you need to realise (and this is going to take a while) is that he doesn't actually like you, as distinct from have an unhealthy attachment to you. Trust me on this, my ex is very like this. I'm sure he'll talk a good talk with the crazy-in-love-can't-live-without-you stuff. And obviously, if you're freely offering sex and love without demanding any status in return, he's going to keep coming back and grabbing some, and it's habitual now. But actual liking and respecting you doesn't come across from what you've said.

I'm not saying it is all a total con, you've known him a long time, but I AM telling you his feelings for you are much darker and more twisted than your feelings for him. He sounds unpleasant. Stop telling yourself this "we are tragic lovers who can't stay away from each other" story and wake up to the fact that his actual behaviour demonstrates contempt. Once I realised that about my ex it made it easier, because I immediately knew I was making a twat of myself by sticking around.

notgivingin789 Fri 02-Sep-16 22:09:11

Op you sound overly emotionally invested in this guy, when I was much younger, people would of said that your so whipped on this person. It's not healthy at all! I was like this with DS dad when I started dating him at 14! After 3 years, I quickly gotten over this "love" obsession that I had over him.

I agree with another poster that he sounds emotionally abusive. Why are you kept a secret?

Mummydummy Sat 03-Sep-16 00:27:44

Its hard, it really is. You have to do whats best for you and carrying on like this will drive you crazy and just drag on and on twisting your heart and wringing it into pieces. You need to say this is what I want and need and if you wont give it to me then I have to leave you.

My last boyfriend was just beautiful, charismatic, I had such a chemical attraction to him and we had such fun and laughs. But he could not and would not do small things for me, including looking out for me when we were out with his friends or coming home with me. He made me feel like I was week and stupid and his moods drove me crazy and made me in a mess of nerves and anxiety. Finally, when he came to 'support' me when my mother died it became all about him, he was in pieces, crying, in moods no not speaking to me. I looked at him and realised he would never be able to support me and do the things that would make me happy. Because loving someone (and he sincerely did love me) is not just beautiful words and bestowing this label on you - its wanting from the bottom of your heart the happiness of the person you love. Remember that. If he really truly loves you, not in a selfish way, he will do what will make you happy. If not, you must walk away. For your own sanity.

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