Help me realise I've got to walk away

[onmybroomstick]

I'm so in love with who used to be and still is my best friend. We crossed the line about 6/7 years ago and shared a few secret kisses/moments. Both got in to other relationships but stayed the best of friends. Relationships both ended coming up to three years ago. Ever since we've been an unofficial thing. He admitted he was in love with me and we should be together regardless of the troubles it would bring. I have children with an old friend of his. I would literally give up my whole world to be with this man properly. I worship the ground he walks on. Things got messy between him and his ex friend, my children's father, when he had a suspicion something was going on between us and we've basically kept it a secret ever since. He has nothing to do with my children and we spend every minute together that I don't have them. He spends time with my parents. He takes me away and he buys me gifts. I love him so much.
He hurts me so much too though. He can be quite nasty and selfish when he's in a mood and at the time doesn't care how upset I am. He manages to twist everything round on me so I feel like everything's my fault. I've just got to the point where I feel like a dirty secret. Like I'm not good enough to be made public knowledge. I know he thinks he'll look the bad guy if we come out together but at the beginning it didn't matter to him, it still doesn't matter to me what people think. I want to marry him. I've tried walking away before and I just cry and beg and tell him I made a mistake. He's cut me off before and couldn't stick to it and came back. We can't stay away from each other but were never gonna have the relationship i know I deserve. It's so hard he's all I want. My friends that know about us tell me I've gotta walk away. They say they hate how he treats me and hate that I let him. They don't understand why I love him so much, but I do. How can I walk away from the one thing I want most even when it hurts to be where I am now

[jimbob1]

Oh hun I am sorry you are hurting.
The only thing you can do is go no contact. Delete and block his number and go cold turkey. Get your friends to keep you busy when the kids are away.

[Resilience16]

Someone who is nasty, selfish and upsets you doesn't love you.
You deserve better.

[lakefaith]

I feel for you, it sounds a lot like something I'm going through (kind of) if he makes you feel this way that isn't fair. If you are not getting what you want or need from him then that isn't fair.
Maybe ending things might be difficult but stepping back and spending time without him might make you see that you would rather be alone then with a man that hurts you so much.

[doji]

Love is kind and comfortable and trusting. What you have with this guy doesn't sound like any of those things - it's the crazy highs and lows of an abusive relationship. I've had both types of relationship, and cannot explain why on earth I let someone treat me so badly, other than it does feel like being addicted to them - you know it's bad for you, and will eventually fuck up your life completely, but you still go back for more.

For me to finally leave i had to find one really really powerful reason that this guy shouldn't be in my life, and just repeat it to myself, every time he tried to reel me back in. I guess everyone has a different point at which they think 'fuck this' and find the strength to leave and stay away. I hope you find that point soon.

[thestamp]

People feel this way about their kidnappers and torturers op. Only then it's called Stockholm syndrome and not love.

Have you ever read the baggagereclaim website? You should... just because you're attached and feel love doesn't mean he's good for you or even a good person. It just means you're attached and, like a heroine addict, you still have a choice to walk away.

I recommend going NC and accessing counselling support to break your attachment to him. He sounds dreadful tbh. Once you're out of the fog you'll look back on this relationship and feel gratitude to your past self for biting the bullet...

[pallasathena]

If you had a modicum of self esteem, if you had a strong sense of self confidence and if you had a basic understanding of what is right and what is wrong in a relationship, you'd have walked away the first time he showed his true colours. As it is, you've essentially given him all the permission he needs to feed his over inflated ego, abuse you completely emotionally, nearly destroy you and create a total dependancy on him that is what can only be described as pathological.
"But I loves him" you say. Well, that's alright then isn't it? Tell that to your daughter (if you have one) when she emulates this behaviour in a few years time because that's what love is innit?
Get real o/p. You are pressing the self-destruct button here.