Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I too sensitive?

(6 Posts)
hermione2016 Thu 01-Sep-16 18:48:14

My husband and I have had recurring issues/arguing and decided to separate however I spoke to a friend today and she has caused me to pause and check if I am overreacting.
Background - last week we had a major row and we were both very angry and hurt. How we argue is not healthy and that a big issue which we can't seem to address.

At one point in the argument I felt he was so verbally aggressive through his facial expressions and tone and it frightened me (so much so I wanted to go back home as we were away on holiday).I felt he morphed into his mum who was a violent bully to him in childhood and had on one occasion reacted very badly to a comment I made that he felt he needed to physically protect me by acting as a barrier. We now don't see his mum (at husband's instigation).
I still felt very shaken by the experience and raised my feelings with him and I tried to raise it in a calm way explaining how I had felt. His response is that if I felt that way "we had no where to go" He said that since he has never been physically aggressive to me it's my sole issue to deal with. Over the next few days his response has hardened "If I don't feel safe then the marriage is over". I had hoped he would be reassuring and we could discuss how not to let the rows get so angry.
My friend has said she understands my husband's response as hers would be similar. It has caused me to genuinely question if I am too sensitive and emotional?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 01-Sep-16 18:55:41

I sort of agree with your husband and friend. Sort of.

This is him. He is an angry bully. You can't feel safe with him. This is how he argues. If you don't like it that's your problem. It is his personality, he can't change it.

The way he behaves is not acceptable to you, so the relationship is over.

You are not too sensitive. You are probably not sensitive enough of you've been letting him carry on like this for some time.

HandyWoman Thu 01-Sep-16 19:31:25

OP I would have felt exactly the same in your position. In fact I left a man who was aggressive and intimidating in non verbal ways - he could get unbelievably angry and the red mist would descend. He would flare up so bad he had no idea how he came across and would deny the inpact and the behaviour.

He grew up in an abusive household and was intimidated by his own dad.

I grew up in an outwardly functional home where, in general, negative emotions were suppressed. I don't tolerate massive angry displays at all.

Two people from such different backgrounds will be potentially incompatible and hurt in times of conflict. Perhaps that's the case with you.

You aren't being over sensitive though. It's perfectly OK to have a standard where people aren't aggressive in tone/manner. Perfectly acceptable.

hermione2016 Fri 02-Sep-16 10:42:11

Thankyou. I have tried to explain to h that we have different emotional responses.I do get angry so can't say I'm always calm but I feel my anger doesn't last for a long time down and then I seek understanding so that we can move forward.

H seems to get angry and then after a few days of not much speaking he expects us to get back to normal. No issues get resolved and there is no opportunity to make up for any hurt caused.
In the last argument he was spectacularly angry (mocking, belligerent, sarcastic), I felt at times he deeply hated me which I think is the root cause of why I felt scared

He expected me to not discuss it and since I raised how I felt, the marriage is over.

We have children and after years of financial stress we have turned the could be good if only we were able to resolve conflicts.

Resilience16 Fri 02-Sep-16 17:46:50

Verbally aggressive and belligerent=red flag
Minimises his actions=red flag
Blames you=red flag
Scares you= red flag
Refuses to discuss problem =red flag.
This is an emotionally abusive relationship. If he comes from a physically abusive background he probably sees verbal abuse as not really abuse which is why he minimises it.
If he can't accept he as a problem it ain't never going to change and will probably escalate.
Your options are either to suck it up or get out. It won't get any better.
Having been in the same situation and putting up with it for four years (no kids together luckily) I'd take the opportunity being offered to get out now.

Isetan Fri 02-Sep-16 18:45:09

You're not over sensitive or unreasonable in wanting to discuss how his behaviour impacts you but.... given his response, you're unrealistic in expecting him to be different.

This is who he is and he's pretty much said take me as I am, or leave.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now