Family disowning me over boyfriend

[LostConfused]

I have name changed for this as it is quite identifying

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I don't want to drip feed so I'll give as much background as I can without outing myself

I've been involved with a guy on and off for a few years, he was quite bad news when we first got together (smoking a lot of weed, spent a lot of money gambling and had a lot of dodgy friends, cheated once) which really broke me at the time but he has changed a lot in the last year or so (we haven't been together in over a year) and he recently came back into my life & we got together again.

My mum (Dad doesn't bother much, he still speaks to me) and a few of my close friends were obviously really unhappy that he was back in my life and my mum has actually stopped talking to me so has my sister, and 3 of my really close friends have basically ditched me and barely speak to me now.

He still has issues, he hasn't stopped smoking and he still has some pretty dodgy friends but he doesn't gamble anymore and he really wants to prove himself and make us work this time around. I believe in him and I am very much in love with him.

It's like my family are making me choose by icing me and not talking to me.

I don't want to loose my family or my friends what can I do???

[Crispsheets]

Dump him.

[Soubriquet]

Sorry. I agree with your parents

He isn't good news. He obviously can't give it up and would easily slip back into his bad behaviour

[Longdistance]

I second dumping him.

[ScarletForYa]

What makes you thick he's changed?

[LostConfused]

It's easy to say just dump him but it's extremely hard.

Yes he smokes weed but that's not the end of the world, he has problems but he's very sweet and loving. The weed doesn't affect him like it used to it's been just over a month since he came back into my life and I don't think I could just up and leave him I love him very much

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

Yeah, he sounds like a real catch...

Dump him.

[BathTangle]

Your family and friends are probably really worried that you have got back together with this guy who they see as bad news. You clearly know they don't think he's good for you, but maybe they have reached a point where they feel that you can't hear them and they think that they have to let you make your own choices.

If it all went wrong again (and I'm not saying that it necessarily will, just that it sounds possible) do you think your family and friends would be there to pick up the pieces?

[NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown]

If you're friends and family are dropping you because of this, he's seriously bad news.
In most cases when a friend has got with a person I think is bad news, I say nothing and just wait to support them when needed. If your friends and family can't bring themselves to do that then you need to realise that this man is awful for you and you need to stop seeing him.

[Soubriquet]

I'm afraid your blinded by love

He's ok. For now. Once he gets his feet back under the mat, he will return to his previous self

[Thegiantofillinois]

Get rid. Wish my mum and friends had done this when I met knobhead all those years ago. Would have saved me 2 years.

[Rainbowqueeen]

What kind of future do you want for yourself?
One with children and a kind loving partner? Stability, trust, security both emotional and financial

Love is not enough for a long term relationship it really isn't. Listen to your family and friends and save yourself years of heartache

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

Some women are so fixated on the, "but I love him!" that some men really don't have to try very hard, or offer very much at all, do they..?

[Out2pasture]

Sounds like he needs to prove himself to your family and friends by being an honourable character.

[senua]

I was going to say that it was a strange OP. You listed all his bad points. You said that several RL people are ditching you because of him. And didn't list a single positive about him.

You've now come back and said he's "sweet and loving". That's still not much to go on. There are lots of blokes out there who are sweet and loving without the rest of the negatives.

What's so special about him that it is worth losing family and friends over?

[TheNaze73]

The fact that both family and friends are dropping you, speaks volumes. You're already makng excuses for him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

He has issues
He still has dodgy friends
He still smokes weed

What does he do?
What job does he do?
Does he own his own house?
Who does he live with?
What has been doing to 'change' in a year?
Because from what you say - not a lot!!!!

This one is a bad egg. Get rid and find yourself someone who isn't addicted to gambling and won't leave you with bailiffs knocking on your door.
One who doesn't smoke week constantly, because this will affect him and sooner rather than later.
One who has nice friends who are a good influence in his life.
Seriously, this one is crap! Throw him back.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Why don't you find yourself a boyfriend without problems? There's lots out there.

This isn't a fairy story. Gambling and weed addicts don't just stop for luurve.

Does he work?

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Your question was: I don't want to lose my family and friends, what do I do?

The answer is: You dump your boyfriend and work on your self esteem so that you understand that you are worth so much more than this and don't need to settle for some wanker because you're afraid there is no one else out there.

The ONLY change he has made is that he is no longer gambling TO YOUR KNOWLEDGE (I suspect he still is). He still has dodgy friends, he still smokes weed, he still has issues - all by your own admission. Add in the fact that he cheated on you...

If you stay with this man, you are heading for years of unhappiness and anguish and isolation.

Your choice.

[LostConfused]

I have no idea BathTangle, I hope so though

I always thought family and friends were meant to be there for you to support you through thick and thin.

[OliviaStabler]

It's easy to say just dump him but it's extremely hard.

Yes it will be hard but you are blinded by love as another PP said and cannot see the true picture. It is highly unlikely your family and friends have taken this decision to cut you off lightly. To do that this guy must be seriously bad news and you need to understand that, while it may hurt for a time, your family and friends have your wellbeing at heart.

Dump him and do it now.

[BombadierFritz]

can you afford counselling to talk about why you think you love him and why you want to be with him? it sounds very self abusive and I wonder why you would let him back in your life?

[ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis]

I always thought family and friends were meant to be there for you to support you through thick and thin

Well yes, but there comes a point when you're kind of not as interested in the drama as the person creating it and, for your own sanity, and just because you want to get on with your own life in peace, you have to say, "no more".

[Thegiantofillinois]

But they are supporting you-by trying to force you into seeing g sense. Closing your mouth while a friend makes a massive mistake is not supportive.

[LostConfused]

These responses are hard hitting.

I don't know why I can't break away from him. I understand why they think he's bad news and he has bad moments but the good moments are so amazing.

We do have a child together, I didn't want to mention that as I thought it would alter the responses but it looks like it wouldn't have mattered much

My son absolutely adores him

[JedRambosteen]

Perhaps your family and friends have already been through the wringer watching him treat you badly & supporting you through it and can't face doing it again. I was in the same position with a very close friend at uni whose boyfriend treated her abysmally. When she got back with him, I took a step back as it had been exhausting (for me) first time around and I couldn't understand why she would put herself in harm's way another time. She eventually split with him for a second time but our friendship did not recover, it had tainted everything. Last I heard he was still sniffing around trying to reel her back in, despite her being married with kids. Once a dickhead user, always a dickhead user....