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Family disowning me over boyfriend

(131 Posts)
LostConfused Thu 01-Sep-16 08:26:49

I have name changed for this as it is quite identifying

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I don't want to drip feed so I'll give as much background as I can without outing myself

I've been involved with a guy on and off for a few years, he was quite bad news when we first got together (smoking a lot of weed, spent a lot of money gambling and had a lot of dodgy friends, cheated once) which really broke me at the time but he has changed a lot in the last year or so (we haven't been together in over a year) and he recently came back into my life & we got together again.

My mum (Dad doesn't bother much, he still speaks to me) and a few of my close friends were obviously really unhappy that he was back in my life and my mum has actually stopped talking to me sad so has my sister, and 3 of my really close friends have basically ditched me and barely speak to me now.

He still has issues, he hasn't stopped smoking and he still has some pretty dodgy friends but he doesn't gamble anymore and he really wants to prove himself and make us work this time around. I believe in him and I am very much in love with him.

It's like my family are making me choose by icing me and not talking to me.

I don't want to loose my family or my friends sad what can I do???

Crispsheets Thu 01-Sep-16 08:27:59

Dump him.

Soubriquet Thu 01-Sep-16 08:29:36

Sorry. I agree with your parents

He isn't good news. He obviously can't give it up and would easily slip back into his bad behaviour

Longdistance Thu 01-Sep-16 08:29:56

I second dumping him.

ScarletForYa Thu 01-Sep-16 08:30:06

What makes you thick he's changed? confused

LostConfused Thu 01-Sep-16 08:31:28

It's easy to say just dump him but it's extremely hard.

Yes he smokes weed but that's not the end of the world, he has problems but he's very sweet and loving. The weed doesn't affect him like it used to it's been just over a month since he came back into my life and I don't think I could just up and leave him I love him very much

TheLastRoseOfSummer Thu 01-Sep-16 08:32:27

Yeah, he sounds like a real catch... hmm

Dump him.

BathTangle Thu 01-Sep-16 08:32:36

Your family and friends are probably really worried that you have got back together with this guy who they see as bad news. You clearly know they don't think he's good for you, but maybe they have reached a point where they feel that you can't hear them and they think that they have to let you make your own choices.

If it all went wrong again (and I'm not saying that it necessarily will, just that it sounds possible) do you think your family and friends would be there to pick up the pieces?

If you're friends and family are dropping you because of this, he's seriously bad news.
In most cases when a friend has got with a person I think is bad news, I say nothing and just wait to support them when needed. If your friends and family can't bring themselves to do that then you need to realise that this man is awful for you and you need to stop seeing him.

Soubriquet Thu 01-Sep-16 08:34:38

I'm afraid your blinded by love

He's ok. For now. Once he gets his feet back under the mat, he will return to his previous self

Thegiantofillinois Thu 01-Sep-16 08:34:52

Get rid. Wish my mum and friends had done this when I met knobhead all those years ago. Would have saved me 2 years.

Rainbowqueeen Thu 01-Sep-16 08:36:38

What kind of future do you want for yourself?
One with children and a kind loving partner? Stability, trust, security both emotional and financial

Love is not enough for a long term relationship it really isn't. Listen to your family and friends and save yourself years of heartache

TheLastRoseOfSummer Thu 01-Sep-16 08:37:11

Some women are so fixated on the, "but I love him!" that some men really don't have to try very hard, or offer very much at all, do they..? sad

Out2pasture Thu 01-Sep-16 08:37:12

Sounds like he needs to prove himself to your family and friends by being an honourable character.

senua Thu 01-Sep-16 08:38:08

I was going to say that it was a strange OP. You listed all his bad points. You said that several RL people are ditching you because of him. And didn't list a single positive about him.

You've now come back and said he's "sweet and loving". That's still not much to go on. There are lots of blokes out there who are sweet and loving without the rest of the negatives.

What's so special about him that it is worth losing family and friends over?confused

TheNaze73 Thu 01-Sep-16 08:38:36

The fact that both family and friends are dropping you, speaks volumes. You're already makng excuses for him.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 01-Sep-16 08:38:37

He has issues
He still has dodgy friends
He still smokes weed

What does he do?
What job does he do?
Does he own his own house?
Who does he live with?
What has been doing to 'change' in a year?
Because from what you say - not a lot!!!!

This one is a bad egg. Get rid and find yourself someone who isn't addicted to gambling and won't leave you with bailiffs knocking on your door.
One who doesn't smoke week constantly, because this will affect him and sooner rather than later.
One who has nice friends who are a good influence in his life.
Seriously, this one is crap! Throw him back.

LyndaNotLinda Thu 01-Sep-16 08:38:58

Why don't you find yourself a boyfriend without problems? There's lots out there.

This isn't a fairy story. Gambling and weed addicts don't just stop for luurve.

Does he work?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 01-Sep-16 08:40:00

Your question was: I don't want to lose my family and friends, what do I do?

The answer is: You dump your boyfriend and work on your self esteem so that you understand that you are worth so much more than this and don't need to settle for some wanker because you're afraid there is no one else out there.

The ONLY change he has made is that he is no longer gambling TO YOUR KNOWLEDGE (I suspect he still is). He still has dodgy friends, he still smokes weed, he still has issues - all by your own admission. Add in the fact that he cheated on you...

If you stay with this man, you are heading for years of unhappiness and anguish and isolation.

Your choice.

LostConfused Thu 01-Sep-16 08:40:32

I have no idea BathTangle, I hope so though

I always thought family and friends were meant to be there for you to support you through thick and thin.

OliviaStabler Thu 01-Sep-16 08:41:08

It's easy to say just dump him but it's extremely hard.

Yes it will be hard but you are blinded by love as another PP said and cannot see the true picture. It is highly unlikely your family and friends have taken this decision to cut you off lightly. To do that this guy must be seriously bad news and you need to understand that, while it may hurt for a time, your family and friends have your wellbeing at heart.

Dump him and do it now.

BombadierFritz Thu 01-Sep-16 08:42:06

can you afford counselling to talk about why you think you love him and why you want to be with him? it sounds very self abusive and I wonder why you would let him back in your life?

ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis Thu 01-Sep-16 08:43:58

I always thought family and friends were meant to be there for you to support you through thick and thin

Well yes, but there comes a point when you're kind of not as interested in the drama as the person creating it and, for your own sanity, and just because you want to get on with your own life in peace, you have to say, "no more".

Thegiantofillinois Thu 01-Sep-16 08:44:14

But they are supporting you-by trying to force you into seeing g sense. Closing your mouth while a friend makes a massive mistake is not supportive.

LostConfused Thu 01-Sep-16 08:44:54

These responses are hard hitting.

I don't know why I can't break away from him. I understand why they think he's bad news and he has bad moments but the good moments are so amazing.

We do have a child together, I didn't want to mention that as I thought it would alter the responses but it looks like it wouldn't have mattered much

My son absolutely adores him

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