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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Overbearing DM and crap ex or am I being unfair/immature?

31 replies

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:00

Long story short, DM is very opinionated and still sometimes tries to talk to me like I haven't got a clue about anything/a teenager. Despite having a 5yr old DS and being an adult myself.

DS's dad moved about 3-4hrs away recently along with his mother, both knowing they would be much further from DS than originally (they lived in the next town over/10 mins away before. Now he is expecting me to drive to meet him halfway for contact weekends (twice a month at the moment). I have a slight issue with this as it's a horrid area to drive in, I've been struggling with my mental health all summer (chronic depression/anxiety) and to be honest I feel annoyed that they moved and presumed I'd pick up the slack when I'm a full time student myself and single parent (petrol is NOT cheap).

My DM rang me up twice in the last three days to tell me I'm being an unreasonable bitch and making life really hard for DS's dad, who's "worked harder than yo/ (I) ever have", and I'm being difficult to get at his dad. I'm not, I just feel frustrated with how complicated things are now they live so far away. DS's dad has not been that involved anway even when he lived close by so to me it just seems like another crap decision on his dad's part.

I want to do what's best for DS but DS says he dislikes the drive despite loving being there etc. I'm really angry/hurt that my DM has come out with the stuff she did. I doubt myself and my decisions all the time as it is what with the mental health issues and being a single parent/first time parent. I'm starting Uni again very soon and I just wish life was a bit easier. Am I being an idiot to be upset about her approach to the situation?

OP posts:

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CannotEvenDeal · 01/09/2016 08:02

Did she actually call you an unreasonable bitch??

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:03

Yes. She said it calmly & in the midst of the conversation but she still said it.

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Trifleorbust · 01/09/2016 08:05

Tell her to butt out of your personal life.

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:05

DM was a single parent herself (though with no conact at all with our dad) and in some ways we're very close, or at least were. But it goes the other way sometimes and she's too close/interfering.

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MrsBertBibby · 01/09/2016 08:07

There's a way to describe our mum. It's on the tip of my tongue...

Oh that's it. Unreasonable bitch.

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:07

I did feel like telling her it was none of her business. But I'm not sure myself if I'm being unreasonable. I just feel like the drive is another demand I DON'T need when I'm trying to be a good parent, good student, good partner (I live with a partner) and healthy generally. I commute 30-40 mins to uni each way as it is then pick DS up and do dinner etc then it's late before I know it.

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MrsBertBibby · 01/09/2016 08:08

Gah, your mum. Although she sounds like she has a bit in common with mine!

ptumbi · 01/09/2016 08:09

Anyone who calls you an unreasonable bitch has lost the privilege of advising you on anything to do with your life.

Either tell her to butt out (in so many words) or ignore. I know what I'd do.

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:10

I appreciate that his dad works full time too but I didn't make the choice to move so far away. I wish it was different myself but it just IS tricky. I really don't want to have to add driving overall for 2 hrs (to meet halfway) after driving to uni and back etc (it's an intense healthcare course).

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MissMargie · 01/09/2016 08:11

Stop telling your DM this stuff

CannotEvenDeal · 01/09/2016 08:12

The next time she calls you, tell her "Sorry, I can't talk now. I'm far too busy being an unreasonable bitch!"

And hang up.

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:13

Thanks for the replies. I feel like a really shitty human after those phone calls this week. I get stuck in a guilt-cycle pretty easily as it is...

I do appreciate it's a hard situation all around but there's no maliciousness on my part. I just don't feel like it's my responsibility to pick up his slack if that makes sense?

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MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:14

I will MissMargie

Need it like a hole in the head this week.

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LineyReborn · 01/09/2016 08:17

Your ex chose to move. Let him do the driving. His choices, his consequences.

My ex did this too, and I stood firm on him doing the driving - and a court agreed with me, interestingly enough.

And detach from your mother. She's upping your anxiety levels. She sounds deeply insecure and is playing games with you.

AstrantiaMallow · 01/09/2016 08:18

I think you should see less of your mother, or talk to her less. I have a mother who discusses things with my exh and it's awful. Awful feeling. Sounds like she's doing the same, she has no right to interfere.

I don't see why you should have to drive that far to take DS for contact either. Has this been formalised? If not then it needs to be. His move, his choice, his drive, his petrol costs. He might see less of his son but then he can't have been that bothered to move in the first place.

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:25

I'm a bit relieved to hear some replies that are in line with how I feel about the situation. Nothing has been through the courts. I personally would have never moved so far away if I knew I had a child in a certain location. They chose the place at random and could have chosen anywhere, he has told me this before. It's pretty and near the sea etc.

Part of me feels guilty he has to drive so far but I feel that adding yet another stress to my own situation/routine is risky MH wise.

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LineyReborn · 01/09/2016 08:26

Just keep repeating, 'His choices, his consequences'.

GloriousGoosebumps · 01/09/2016 08:35

Of course you're not being unreasonable, never the less, I'm curious about what he said to you prior to the move. Did he let you know that he expected you to meet him half way between the two homes or did he just assume that that is what would happen?

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:38

I will Liney

I've been adjusting to new medication, prepping for uni (moving on from college so I'm a bit anxious about how I'll handle it), prepping DS for school (buying uniform etc) so things feel a bit tense already at the moment and I feel quite angry that she's rung me at 7am to tell me how hard DS's dad's life is and how I'm making it harder and she feels really sorry for him

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MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:40

Glorious he just assumed.

My DM said she felt so sorry for him she was considering driving DS down there herself after work. (Not that I'd let her, because it's not her business, and she has a habit of doing martyr like things and then making me feel ungrateful and awful about it, even though it wasn't my decision in the first place etc but that's a really long, other story).

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MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:47

She seems to mean well and cares a lot but in this case it's just not her place really. I'm trying to make the best of the situation and make DS feel as secure as I can (he's been a bit funny about it himself as it's a big change for him).

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hellsbellsmelons · 01/09/2016 08:47

He decided to move far away from his own DS.
So he does the driving.
Does he pay full maintenance for his DS?
You do NOT have to meet him half way.
If he wants to see his son HE makes the effort.
Don't stress about it and don't speak to your mum about it.
I'm sure it's really hard, but a short sharp, 'mum, I'm discussing this with anymore, it's ruining our relationship so this is not up for discussion from now on' Then leave it there.

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MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:50

I'm going to tell her something similar when we next talk. I don't want to discuss it with her at all. He pays full maintenance ( £200 a month which is a big help as a student/LP).

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 01/09/2016 08:53

I'm not so sure she does 'mean well'. I think she sounds quite controlling and undermining of you, and is making things all about her to the detriment of the welfare of you and your child. I'd be careful what I told her in future.

Meanwhile, massive good wishes to you as you start university, and to you DC for the start of school. Focus on these priorities and you won't go far wrong

MilleniumTalcum · 01/09/2016 08:55

Thank you Liney

I'm very excited for the next few years, for DS and I.

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