Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Brassneck? Flowergirl needed, answer me this...

(180 Posts)
marybrian Thu 01-Sep-16 07:10:47

We're getting married and we have a modest budget. We decided to have one bridesmaid only from each side to keep costs down and keep it fair and simple. My fiance's niece has accepted the role on his side, she's about 10 and we're delighted. On my side the only children are step-relatives. I asked the parents of one lovely girl we see often (also 10) if she'd like to be our bridesmaid/flowergirl & make up a 'matching pair' ( I stupidly thought the two girls could enjoy each others company for the day). Well the girl on my side, her parents said to me it was 'unreasonable' that I ask only one of their dds (the other is 4). That I take them both or have nothing at all! shock How can other people be so rude as to dictate like this? I think they're being totally unreasonable. I had no choice but to withdraw my offer saying we only had a budget for one child from each side and that we'd have to regretfully withdraw our offer as we couldn't fulfill their wishes and we've now asked someone else instead. Tell me you agree with me?

loveyoutothemoon Thu 01-Sep-16 07:14:25

I would be the same, would feel very sad for my other DD.

EarthboundMisfit Thu 01-Sep-16 07:16:21

loveyou, seriously? They're being ridiculous. Their loss.

WordGetsAround Thu 01-Sep-16 07:18:10

I totally agree with you. It's fine to ask one sibling and not the other. Pleased you stuck to your guns, or these things get out of control. Just ride it out knowing they were out of order.

NotSpartacus Thu 01-Sep-16 07:18:58

I agree with you. Surely it's part of life that sisters don't always get exactly the same things?

GeneralBobbit Thu 01-Sep-16 07:19:45

I agree with you. The 4 year old wouldn't notice they weren't involved and if they did it's obviously time to learn they do different things.

Or are the parents going to prevent the older one from driving lessons cos the 11 year old wants to play too. hmm

Groovee Thu 01-Sep-16 07:20:34

I have lots of nieces and nephews an asked my eldest niece and only nephew! No one was offended.

TheOddity Thu 01-Sep-16 07:20:36

I think them saying it was unreasonable for you to ask is a bit rude, but I have a four year old and they are definitely old enough to feel snubbed at that age and also would probably be far keener to wear the dress than the 10yo. She knows her kids and probably knew the only thing to do was ask you to take both or decline for the sake of family harmony

OhTheRoses Thu 01-Sep-16 07:21:37

I'd have explained the budget and asked if they could have bought the dress as it was both or none.

I don't think it was unreasonable to ask just the ten year old; but although the parents were Imo unreasonable I don't think I'd have had the heart to walk but might have depended upon whether the other ten year old had a younger sibling.

With a limited budget just stick to the one now.

SprogletsMum Thu 01-Sep-16 07:22:52

My dd is going to be a flower girl next year, I think it's great and there's no need for ds or dd2 to be involved.

YouMakeMyDreams Thu 01-Sep-16 07:23:40

While in theory I agree with the sentiment that it's up to you and ok to ask one. I can't help feeling if you'd asked for the other way around it might have been less of an issue. It's far easier to explain to a 10 year old why they weren't included than a 4 year old. I personally wouldn't have asked on sibling and not the other full stop. It would be different if you asked one of several siblings and not the test but one and not the other does seem a bit off.
The family didn't react very well and we're rude about it but I can see why they did as well.

cosytoaster Thu 01-Sep-16 07:24:12

I agree with you. I was a bridesmaid when I was about 7 for my Aunt and Uncle, my four year old sister wasn't - I really don't think it's done her any lasting harm!

JaneA1 Thu 01-Sep-16 07:25:47

Both sides have a reasonable say. Put yourself in the shoes of that 4 yo and try to explain her why she doesn't get to be bridesmaid.

Coconutty Thu 01-Sep-16 07:27:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MephistoMarley Thu 01-Sep-16 07:28:26

But she didn't want a 4 year old she wanted the 10 year old
Fuck sake are we raising a generation of entitled kids who don't understand that some kids get stuff and others don't get the same stuff and that's life?

MessyBun247 Thu 01-Sep-16 07:29:18

Your wedding your choice!

Are people actually serious here, siding with the 4 year olds parents??! The 4 year old would be fine unless everyone made a huge fuss.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Thu 01-Sep-16 07:29:23

I can see your point but at 4 the child might dream about being a bridesmaid, whereas the 10yr old not so much. I own a nearly 10yr old who would at 4 have knocked children out to get to the front of the bridesmaid queue, now she would roll her eyes, say 'Do I have to? I'll only do it if I can wear leggings.' If it is just about money could you say that you can't afford another bridesmaid but if they can divide the cost - ie fund one child then she is welcome to walk in front of you down the aisle.

Frogers Thu 01-Sep-16 07:32:24

Sorry but if I were you I wouldn't have asked one and not the other. And my daughter is 5 and this would a actually upset her so I'd have politely declined.

They were rude how they worded it.

sandgrown Thu 01-Sep-16 07:33:16

The OP said she wanted two bridesmaids of a similar age . It is her choice and siblings need to learn they will not always get to do the same thing. Would you stop an older child going on a fabulous school trip because the younger one could not go?

BigGreenOlives Thu 01-Sep-16 07:34:54

I'd have explained to them why. The only time my dds were bridesmaids we got the dresses at BHS.sad.

SoupDragon Thu 01-Sep-16 07:38:36

Put yourself in the shoes of that 4 yo and try to explain her why she doesn't get to be bridesmaid.

the same way you say "no" in every other situation.

OP, You were entirely reasonable and they were exceptionally rude and entitled.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Thu 01-Sep-16 07:38:53

I think it's reasonable for you to only ask one. It's your wedding.

I think it's reasonable of them to say, thanks but no thanks, we'd rather the youngest wasn't left out. 4 is too young to understand any lessons about sisters not being involved and young children take this sort of thing, particularly when it comes to getting dressed up at a wedding, very seriously. I have a 10 year old who was a flowergirl at 4. I wouldn't fancy telling either of those girls that their sister was doing it but not them.

I think it's reasonable for you to say, ok, that's fair enough, but we can only afford one, so we'll choose someone else.

Surely, you issued an invitation for the eldest to be a flowergirl, and not a directive, so it was fine for them to decline.

It's a non issue really. You've asked someone else. Problem solved.

Terrifiedandregretful Thu 01-Sep-16 07:39:03

Yanbu at all. So the 4 yr old might be disappointed. They'll cope. My sister was a bridesmaid when I was about 4. I have never been a bridesmaid. I am not psychologically scarred.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 01-Sep-16 07:40:14

I think you are using people as accessories. Surely you ask people because you are fond of them, not because you want matching bookends. I'd say this is shown by you rapidly moving on to a substitute bridesmaid.

I would think about your relationships with people, rather than roles.

MoreCoffeeNow Thu 01-Sep-16 07:40:24

They were very rude and precious.

DSis and I have been bridesmaids together and separately and neither of us was in the least bothered when the other was chosen. Our parents brought us up as individuals.

Fine for them to decline but downright rude to try and push another bridesmaid on you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now