Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Got my decree absolute today - am gutted

(17 Posts)
Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 31-Aug-16 17:51:06

I thought I would feel okay. A bit sad maybe. But I feel like I've been knocked sideways. It was the right thing to do, I know it was, so why on earth do I feel this way.

hesterton Wed 31-Aug-16 17:52:37

Because it wasn't what you ever wanted when you made those promises originally. It's hard. But you know if it was the right thing so onwards and upwards.

Bobochic Wed 31-Aug-16 17:54:01

Because when you marry, you do so believing it's forever.

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 31-Aug-16 17:59:26

I was married at 20. I utterly loved him, hero worshipped him. He was my escape from an abusive childhood and I thought he was saving me. We were married for 21 years. 18 of those I was unhappy, the last 5 desperately so. I tried very very hard to make things work, to be the family I had always dreamed of. Ultimately he treated me like crap and still hasn't got his head round the fact I had the audacity to leave him.

Yet I feel broken now.

Bobochic Wed 31-Aug-16 18:09:32

Oh gosh.

My DP has a (distant) cousin who married very young to escape a terrible childhood. She is now in her 50s and hates her marriage but cannot leave her security. You should be proud of yourself. Well done for being brave.

Mummydummy Wed 31-Aug-16 18:23:51

Dear Strawberry

I'm so sorry. I didn't have your background and had very different circumstances but I never ever regretted ending my marriage after his infidelity. When the decree came though it still felt awful even after so much time had passed and it being my decision. It does knock you sideways, its finality, a bereavement, the end of a picture of the future, a feeling of loss and failure, that you are completely on your own. Its awful. It will take a little bit of time to pass, but it will get better I promise you. Much sympathy. A large glass of wine and a favourite movie for distraction. Be kind to yourself.

Hillfarmer Wed 31-Aug-16 18:41:03

Well done you. You've been incredibly brave and determined to get out of a long-term abusive relationship. You did everything you could to make it work but obviously you can't make a happy family all on your own and when someone else is working against you.

You're not broken, but - as anyone who has been through this will know - you will have some shit days.

Good news is, you're only 41! I'm much older and five years down the line. Give yourself time to get over such a traumatic experience. You will go round and round memories - you're probably still processing just how horrific he managed to be. Also, now you're out of the relationship, you'll probably see what was abusive behaviour much more clearly - so you'll retrospectively discover more of it unfortunately. Have you read Lundy Bancroft? Very useful when you're 'in recovery'.

And him being even shittier in the face of you saying 'No' and leaving him is entirely predictable. You've taken away the bully's favourite plaything. How dare you? He's a bully and a coward. Try to block any means of communication (you don't say how old your children are - the older and more responsible they get, the less you'll have to see/hear/read of your ex) - you don't have to read or hear his lies and abuse any more.

You've done very well. You are not a tragic figure. You are a survivor. Be proud of yourself.

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 31-Aug-16 21:00:57

It's taken 18 months to get this. And cost me an absolute fortune in solicitors fees. I thought I would feel elated.

Dowser Thu 01-Sep-16 09:05:05

Oh strawberry I've often posted my story on here . I got divorced in 2008 after 33 years of marriage. We had great times, good times, awful times. Despicable times, abusive times it was all there.

He had many affairs but just two I got to know about . The First one as we approached twenty nine years of marriage. The one that really gutted me. The one he lied and lied about. By the time he had the second one I was glad to see the back of him and couldn't care less.

Our divorce cost somewhere in the region of £20,000. I think I paid £7,500 and he will have paid more. He found great joy in dragging me through the courts. Every time we argued and things didn't go his way, he would snarl ' see you in court' like he was some shl .

On the day the absolute came through, I felt sadness for what could have been. He was shacked up with ow at this point , (thankfully, as I got all the house) and had been for about 18 months.

The following month I went on a dating website and met the man who has to be my second husband.

I now know 8 years later what it's like to be truly loved.
We've had the most amazing 8 years. I don't have one instance where I've felt, wretched, gutted or cried heart rending sobs at the state of our relationship.

We got engaged about 4.5 years ago and are approaching our first anniversary. We've had two more grandchildren born in that time and had to he happiness and joy spent having lovely family times with my children and grandchildren. My dh never had children.

We haven't travelled the world but we've had a couple of holidays in America and many in Europe and the U.K. My husband took early retirement 5 years ago and we've had a blast.

If my first marriage hadn't broken up I would have been a widow now. He died nearly two years ago of a very aggressive cancer. He was living in Dubai and had to come back here for his very aggressive treatment.

Dh and I are off to Cyprus next month to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. I've never been, neither of us have, so am very excited, then in October we've got three weeks in the canaries, which we love.

So, it's sad now and by all means grieve for what you've lost but then open your eyes to all the new opportunities that are going to come your way.

It's a funny old world. Never thought I'd be a bride again at 63 especially with such a lovely man .

Carpe diem ;-)

Dowser Thu 01-Sep-16 09:05:57

I've done it again. Really sorry for such a long post.
I'm sure there's a book in me somewhere.

Dowser Thu 01-Sep-16 09:07:59

Good post hill farmer.

There's a lot of strong woman here.
I didn't find mumsnet till about 2 years ago, what a comfort it would have been at the time.

Strawberryshortcake40 Thu 01-Sep-16 09:26:27

Thank you.

I think I had just expected to feel differently, lighter somehow. But I don't. It's becoming ever more obvious how he has come out of this so much better than I have. Financially without a doubt (hiding his money helped with that), but to have been the one who i divorced means the sympathy has gone to him in spades. I am struggling emotionally, physically and financially. Dead on my feet with so many responsibilities and so much to do. He wants to see me fail so badly at being alone and I can't give in.

My children are badly damaged by everything they saw. I have to try and put them back together again while he takes every opportunity to destroy that. Buys them things they have only dreamt of, that have to stay at his house. There are no bedtimes, no chores, no rules. Just anything they want at any expense. He tells them he gives me "a fortune" and I must be spending it on myself. It covers the essentials, that's all. I can't afford meals out and endless fun.

He's screwed me over. Even now. And I should be glad to be free. But I feel utterly lost. If I'm not a wife what am I now? I moved in with him at 18 (met him at 17) so I went from being a child to that. I don't know who I am.

Strawberryshortcake40 Thu 01-Sep-16 09:26:42

Sorry for that.
Having my own pity party here!!!

TwoKettles Thu 01-Sep-16 09:36:50

Morning Strawberry - congrats on your new freedom. If you were unhappy for 18 years that's a bloody long time. The only way is up. The hard work is done. Enjoy!

totty12mum Thu 01-Sep-16 14:44:33

**If I'm not a wife what am I now?
Anything you choose to be grin

Mummydummy Thu 01-Sep-16 20:36:20

So sorry. Gloria Gaynor got it right, I will survive. You will. Becuase you are brave and strong. But in order to really enjoy your freedom, your future life and the many adventures it contains you have to properly let go and feel the loss of the past. It will work its way through your system, you will grieve and feel failed and crappy. And then when you've grieved properly, you will be entirely free. You will have finally let go of that past life in order to go with full gusto and passion into the future...To drink a cuppa in the middle of night or watch a movie when you cant sleep, get up when you want, eat snacks in bed, see your friends and make new ones, have weekends away, there are so many new paths ahead. The only person you will have to please is yourself. Its there, its waiting, its yours. Soon.

Cary2012 Thu 01-Sep-16 21:20:53

First time I've read your story Dowser, very heartwarming, glad you found happiness.

Strawberry, you will feel better. I remember receiving my absolute after a long bitter divorce which went on much longer than it needed to, after twenty years of marriage and felt very said. The relief and sense of freedom followed a week or two later x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now