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I need help and advice!

(9 Posts)
user1472648398 Wed 31-Aug-16 14:18:36

Here's my story and I need help with this - because I can't figure out what to do Help!

I met my OH 16 years ago - we fell in love immediately and moved in together. After about 2 years - we had been thru alot together (OH suicide attempts from depression and traumatic past), OH was pregnant but we were still in love and both really happy about pregnant. One day whilst pregnant OH said she's moving back home (abroad) and her dad bought her the flight tickets and she moved back home. I was gob smacked - I think she probably did tell me - but I felt like we didn't discuss it properly. OH moved back, I couldn't go with her because of visa restrictions. I went over for DS birth, but had to come back because of visa. I got some high $$$ contract work and worked out of my country, we sent occasional emails but communications became dreadful, eventually OH split up with me via a email to my mum at xmas time(I was devastated). I finished up my contract work - then travelled for a few months (to recover from split up - I had no closure on it - so I was very very confused). Then I went to visit OH and DS, OH wanted no contact and made me visit DS via friends I did not know, all communications were via her dad. On the last day when I had to leave and go back home - OH turned up to see me - we had sex e.t.c. and said we'd try again. I said I'd would visit at xmas. I moved to a adjacent country ( because of work and ease of visa), and we emailed e.t.c. I eventually got round to planning out xmas visit, and OH told me I couldn't visit on the dates I planned because of some reason (she bought some tickets or something - never explained properly). Things got out of hand and that was the last time we ever communicated.
(all the above are old memories - so they get distorted over time)

I spent the next 12 years working around the world and living a life - in the back of my mind tho - yes I had this black hole of doom that I never accessed. I had always thought DS will probably get in touch when he's around 16 and that was ok - he would always be welcome in my life.

roll forward 12 years:
One day a few months ago - I found a message from OH - in a hidden FB inbox, I was reluctant to reply but we got back in touch and both realised we still loved each other deeply after all this time and we had a amazing DS (even tho I don't know anything about him). And caught up on the last missing 12 years it was FANTASTIC - hard to believe what was happening. I proposed to her, she accepted and we planned to get married. I would move over (when I could) and we would become the family that had been missing for 12 years - it's everything we both wanted. We had "Dates" on skype and chatted everyday. until a few weeks ago - comm's got less and less and less, messages were ignored and emails not replied to. OH is busy doing a degree so I know she is super busy with degree and DS, but it feels really awful having messages ignored and little comms. And currently we havn't chatted for 9-10 weeks, things seem bleak and I have no idea what is going on. What should I do - I'm so confused at the moment - it's killing me. Should I end this relationship (if you can call it that), should I ride it out and wait? (we've waited 12years so far!)

Iamdobby63 Wed 31-Aug-16 15:13:26

Have you also been communicating directly with your son?

Your story reads like she picks you up and drops you when she still knows you are available and willing. Like her fall back guy. Sorry.

plutoisnotaplanet Wed 31-Aug-16 15:15:11

You need to separate being a father from being in a relationship with this woman.

Your poor son flowers for him.

adora1 Wed 31-Aug-16 15:18:11

It sounds like an extract from a Walter Mitty book, I mean seriously, no she is not the love of your life, she's a user and neither of you really put the effort into having a proper relationship which says it all really.

As for your son, why did you stop contact, you will never get that back, what a waste of years, welcome in your life, he's your child, you should have tried to have some kind of relationship with him, not her, she sounds mental, in fact the whole story just sounds made up.

Sorry but no I don't think things will work out.

DaveX Wed 31-Aug-16 15:44:24

Thanks for the replies - yes I know this story probably seems unbelievable - but I assure you it's very very real and it's absolutely killing me - that's why I posted here for help and advice. It's really good to hear different perspectives on this - since I only have have my viewpoint.

I suppose I could be that "fallback guy" I've never thought about that - and that really hurts.

We were very very close in our relationship, we lived together for 2-3 years - we had been thru a hell of a lot together (real suicide attempts e.t.c.) - she has mental health problems - she has counselling weekly and is on medication and always will be for the rest of her life - I was ok with that - I loved her to bits and vice versa, and I could live with the problems and the all reasons behind it (previous traumatic past). I didn't keep in contact with my son - because he was very young and I felt I had been messed around so much that I couldn't risk that going bad (if that makes sense). I do contact him now after 12 years - I email him and I'm trying to help him with his schooling and interests, but he's 12yrs so he doesn't reply and I'm guessing his comms skills are just not there yet. I always will be available for him when the time is right. I still love her to bits (even after all this time and all the past) and always will - that's the difficult thing - it's something that I cannot control - so I'm really really confused and upset at the moment. I have no idea what to do or who to turn to - because of the distance involved there's a huge info gap and a huge lack of control of anything - it feels like I'm floating in space untethered - drifting away from planet earth - if that makes sense?

Iamdobby63 Wed 31-Aug-16 17:47:04

Fallback may be harsh but it seems that she picks you up, makes sure you are still there and then dumps you without explanation. Do you know what she has been doing relationship wise over the last 12 years?

Stay in contact with your son even if he doesn't reply, hopefully he will appreciate it later. Don't ask him about his mum though.

Personally I would send one more message to her stating you are fed up being messed around and that unless you hear back from her within 48hrs she is never to contact you again. There is nothing you can do to help her with her MH.

And then you have to walk away and accept that this is toxic and damaging to your emotional wellbeing.

DaveX Wed 31-Aug-16 18:27:06

Thanks for the advice/ideas!

I did just send a message a to her saying that(before I read this reply), I find the lack of acknowledgement of emails and messages disturbing, rude and that I can't live like this. I did not put a ultimatum tho. I just explained how I felt. I do not know much about the last 12 years - but what she has told me - she has dated a few but nothing worked out. I don't know if she got into a steady relationship, it doesn't really matter to me at all and I never though to ask? I don't know if DS has been exposed to another person? I don't know if that's a good thing to ask really? I'm guessing from what she has told me - that she didn't have a relationship. My take on the whole step-dad/new boyfriend thing from DS's point of view - is that it doesn't matter to me at all - because I will always be DS's natural Dad - and kids see thru all that crap if it were to get difficult.

I'm ok with the MH thing - I understand it - and despite all the crap we went thru in the past - we did have awesome times and good memories for the most of it.

I also plan to stay in contact with DS regardless - I never ask about OH - and I only ever say good things about her if she needs to be mentioned in any comms. And OH has told me that she only ever says good things about me also. But like I say DS doesn't reply - because he is too young (he has slight aspergers also - so I think that doesn't help). So the whole comms with DS is super difficult - no replies - it just feels unreal like I'm a radio broadcaster chattering away to myself! But will keep on broadcasting - hope I get a reply on day! I email DS via his school email - so OH can't get involved - but that's not why I do that - it's because he reads his school email more than his home email.

It's really weird - over the last 12 years - I eventually got happy and lived my life - everything was good - I never thought I would hear from OH again - until I got that message and we got back in contact randomly then all of a sudden I felt so alone and unhappy. Most of the time I'm ok - but every once in a while this whole situation just doesn't feel real - it's a crazy situation I know, it feels like I'm trapped in some kind of cheesy messed up movie!

Iamdobby63 Wed 31-Aug-16 18:35:33

I was just wondering on the relationship aspect as to whether a relationship had ended and that had spurred her to contact you. I'm not suggesting you ask, it's not really relevant to now anyway.

You did the right thing to message her straight to the point, if/how she replies will tell you all you need to know.

DaveX Wed 31-Aug-16 18:44:33

I do know why she contacted me - her traumatic past unloaded on her mentally and she fell apart and she wanted to get in touch - she told me this. I remember seeing this happen to her in the past when we lived together - she just fell apart in front of my eyes - it's a terrible thing to witness - so I understand it. She sent the message about 1 year ago - but I only picked it up by accident because it went into my hidden FB inbox. It was published in april 2016 in some major newspapers about the hidden FB inbox and how to access it, I decided to access it and bam message from her in there!

Yes I can't wait to get a reply from her - I'm hoping sometime today!

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