Taking flirting too far?

[user1472636564]

Hi.
I started a new account as I post on MN occasionally.
Some views on this please.
I’ve been with my partner for a year, we’re very much in love and happy together for the most part. I get on with her kids & friends really well, we enjoy our time together and have lots in common, support the same football team, things like that. There’s something that’s bothering me though.
She seems WAY too keen on chasing about with other men. I get that most people can see other people are attractive, fancy someone on TV etc and I don’t have an issue with that, but she seems to be drawn to men based on attraction and seems to see no issue in starting conversations with people on facebook etc, being very flirty and generally just giving off a vibe of being available. If we go out together it seems like she wants to put distance between us, she won’t dance with me or show affection etc. She openly admits to flirting with other people, but it does seem to go beyond harmless chat/having a laugh with someone.
Throughout the last year I’ve slowly found out the following things
She had an affair with a colleague (started flirting, then meeting him outside work knowing there was a mutual attraction etc, telling her husband at the time they were just friends etc then it got physical)
She told me she thought she was pregnant early on and it might not have been mine
She wants contact with a guy who she describes as “her weakness”, who used her (and also had a girlfriend and kids) for sex for along time. She told me he was amazing in bed (which I didn’t want to know, at all!)
She’s incredibly secretive with her phone
She blatantly checks other men out and if they approach is very happy to chat away with them. It’s not a cheeky glance, it’s “hey, come over here” eyes.

She tells me there’s nothing in it and it’s just harmless fun, but after only recently finding most of this stuff out (after completely falling for her) I’m starting to feel like I’m going to get hurt. Bringing it up isn’t an option, she instantly calls me jealous and gets hetty about it. I’m not jealous and I’m perfectly happy that she has male friends, I just think communicating physical interest in someone else is a massive red flag, especially so early in a relationship.

Is this the bad sign I think it is? It probably seems obvious from reading above but when you’re in the middle of a situation like this it’s hard to make a judgement. It feels like she wants the security of being with me (she was cheated on and knows I have little interest in other people) but wants the excitement of chasing other people.

[ElspethFlashman]

Run for the hills, mate.

[Darcychu]

As a woman i say Run, to be honest it sounds like attention seeking and she thinks she can have the whole brilliant relationship and also play around, not good news!


I wouldnt waste another day.

[SlowJinn]

She sounds as if she has low self-esteem, thus needs constant positive affirmations from other people that she is attractive and desirable. Not a good trait, I'm afraid and I join the chorus in advising you to run for the hills.

[MatildaOfTuscany]

Adding to the chorus of "The hills - they're over that way mate! Run!"

[Buzzardbird]

She sounds massively insecure and way too messsed up for you to have to put up with. She needs to grow the hell up and stop trying to make you jealous.

I would tell her to pack it in or sod off.

[TheNaze73]

I agree with Slowjinn

Sounds like she has self esteem issues & needs constant reassurance and attention. I wouldn't put up with that shit & doubt many others would either.

I'd finish it with dignity. She'll only get more high maintenance & cause you more angst if your relationship was to develope. It's only been a year & she's doing that already speaks volumes.

Relationships should help take away the stress, not be the stress. You don't need that, sounds like hard work

[Bogeyface]

What would her reaction be if you did what she is doing? If you said that there was a woman that you have never really got over and who is amazing in bed? Not good I suspect!

I agree with PP's, dont walk away. RUN!

[loveyoutothemoon]

She's either not that into you or she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous. Aside from that she doesn't sound trustworthy or grown up at all.

I'm sure you'd be happier without.

[user1472636564]

Thanks for the replies so far. I admit, it does seem like a massive red flag pointing towards the hills.

Bogeyface
She makes out she's not jealous but, and in her words, as the ex model I'm the attractive one. (she is too, but obviously she's got self esteem issues). She often talks about punching above her weight, which I find sad, because I think she's beautiful, intelligent, funny etc.
There's been a few occasions where I've been approached or she's seen a chat screen with an attractive girl (who was actually my niece) and she's clearly been very uncomfortable with it, but she'll quickly say something like "oh, that's fine chat to her, be friends if you like, I'm not jealous" I completely avoid contact with someone if I know they like me, I don't think it's fair to lead someone on.

Damn it. Everything seemed so good for a while. I might have one last talk about it and if she gives me friction I'm out of the door and back on the pile. Sad for the kids though. I think that's what's keeping me, if there were none I'd probably be out the door already.

[Justaboy]

Suggest a very serious talk and probably some professional help to see if she can get over her insecurity which i suspect this is.

Or else the hills are thataway ->>>>

[user1472636564]

Will do.

I'm honestly pretty terrified of bringing it up. I know it sounds silly but I do love her.

Love hey.

[SlowJinn]

If you think the relationship is worth persevering with, then maybe counselling will help her identify why she has such low self-esteem. There could be some underlying childhood trauma that can be worked through with professional help.

But if not, then..

[user1472636564]

Thanks. It's most likely that her husband wasn't physically interested in her and then left with another women.

But...she did have an affair herself first!

Meh. Sorry to be drama but reading this has just confirmed my fears, I'm really upset. I've got this feeling in my stomach that I haven't felt since I was a school kid.

[Buzzardbird]

Like I said earlier, it doesn't have to be the end, just tell her to stop doing it, you are not impressed and it doesn't make you want her more.

[user1472636564]

Thanks.
I think she'll probably get annoyed and make out I'm being over sensitive.
She admitted she's said some things to wind me up at the beginning, but if they're true (which they are) then it can only serve to make me suspicious of her.
I think I'm going to have to call it day.

[ElspethFlashman]

Look, if she's the sort of person who gets irritated, impatient and annoyed because you're legitimately upset.....then she's nobody you want as a life partner anyway.

[Buzzardbird]

Sorry OP, you sound really sad about it all :(

[user1472636564]

Yeah. I'm gutted. Despite what I've said here there's been so much to enjoy. A few years ago I came out of a physically and mentally abusive relationship that put me in hospital and on a safeguarding list with the NHS. I was very ill but still managed to care for my son on my own, with two jobs and no family to help, whilst dealing with a seriously abusive ex who had no interest in her son. Then I met this person and it felt like everything was finally falling into place.

I think I probably ignored a few red flags just because she isn't abusive..now I'm in this situation and I'm really scared of being on my own again. I know many would expect me to be a 'man' about it, but after years of being worn down I haven't got much get up and go left in me.

I know she's going to be hurt when i leave, but I know she'll hurt me in the long run if I don't.

FFS, as soft as I sound, I just want to love someone.

[HuskyLover1]

She had an affair with a colleague (started flirting, then meeting him outside work knowing there was a mutual attraction etc, telling her husband at the time they were just friends etc then it got physical)

So you know she's capable of cheating. To someone she was married to. Let alone a boyfriend.

She told me she thought she was pregnant early on and it might not have been mine

So, she cheated on you already.

She wants contact with a guy who she describes as “her weakness”, who used her (and also had a girlfriend and kids) for sex for along time. She told me he was amazing in bed (which I didn’t want to know, at all!)

WTAF?

She’s incredibly secretive with her phone

That's because she is speaking to/texting other men, and doesn't want you to know.

She blatantly checks other men out and if they approach is very happy to chat away with them. It’s not a cheeky glance, it’s “hey, come over here” eyes

And that's when you're there. Imagine what she does when you're not.

I'm sorry, but it's glaringly obvious that she's cheating or planning to.
If you need a final nail for the coffin, you need to get hold of her phone. It will tell you all that you need to know. If you can't get it when she's sleeping, then I suggest that the next time you go out, you "forget" your phone and remember that you need to make an urgent call and ask to borrow hers. Her response will be revealing.

[user1472636564]

I wouldn't want to check her phone to be honest. I doubt she'd leave anything incriminating on there. She has left her phone with me before though, and didnt' seem bothered about it.

As for the rest, yeah, you're right. I'd hate to know what she's like on a night out without me.

Can't believe I'd let myself get into this situation after my previous relationship.

[SlowJinn]

Chalk this one up to experience and move on, you don't need this kind of hassle - and from what you've said, it's a recurring pattern of behaviour and you will only end up having your heart broken.

Find someone who will cherish you for being who you are, and not some silly woman who thinks it's perfectly fine to flirt with other guys and tell her current boyfriend about a previous lover who was amazing in bed - that's incredibly disrespectful.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Sorry mate she's not the insecure one, you are! You actually think this partner is the best you can do?
What you like about her? Her loyalty?

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Can't believe I'd let myself get into this situation after my previous relationship.

I assume this means you went through this before? Do you find attractive these situations? Honestly take a look at yourself and see why you think you don't deserve better

[damngirl]

She sounds awful. Seriously you don't need to put up with her shit. She doesn't love or respect you if she's doing that.

[SoozeyHoozey]