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I've made a list....

(19 Posts)
PamelaFlitton31 Wed 31-Aug-16 09:47:56

Hi, first time I've started a thread. I tend to lurk.

I'm struggling, currently on holiday, should have been with DP but we split up about 6 weeks ago & I am moving out when I get back. I'm spending the last few days of holiday alone (family were here for first 10 days) & it's difficult to stop the thoughts whirring around my head - the trouble is the thoughts are tending towards 'I love him' 'I miss him' 'Maybe we can work it out' (although he doesn't want to).

So I've made a list of all the lies and all the shit things he has done. I have also been horrible to him at times, there is no doubt about that. But it has tended to be as a reaction to things he has / hasn't done.

Here is a selection;
- told me when me met he was divorced - he wasn't (although is now - because his ex organised it all & nagged him for months) - I should add that they were separated when we met & he was living in his own place.
- lied about where he went to university confused
- has lied about his whereabouts at different times
- compulsive use of porn
- virtually no sex after 3 months of relationship (after telling me he had a really high sex drive) - this was a major problem & one which I tried in so many ways to address
- contacting escorts - don't know if it went further
- excessive alcohol- to the extent of continence problems
- being shit about health problem I've had e.g. refusing to come to the hospital when I was having a procedure & was supposed to have someone to accompany me home
- and then finally, of course, the OW. No idea how long it's been going on but he has admitted & then denied it confused Says nothing has happened (although he was absent for 3 nights with an obviously bullshit excuse) etc etc. he is a compulsive liar.

But of course he has a lovely side too - I know it won't sound like it, but we've had some great times & I will really miss him.
Ugh - tears now.
Thanks for reading.

FlounderingWildly Wed 31-Aug-16 10:20:38

Oh you poor thing. I'm sure you have had some great times however I don't see how there can be any trust in your relationship after all the things you have listed and that, for me, would be what killed it. Keep your list, and look at it when you need to be strong. If he is a compulsive liar then it will never change and you will always be wondering what he is not telling you.

Good luck, it's ok to mourn the loss of something you thought would be different x

FreeFromHarm Wed 31-Aug-16 10:54:46

So sorry you are going through this, hope you have somewhere to go ?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 31-Aug-16 10:59:53

Yeuk - he pisses himself.
Just hold to that little gem and never go back.

Confusednotcom Wed 31-Aug-16 11:04:16

There are heaps of lovely men out there who treat themselves and would treat you soooo much better. Try reading, watching a film, anything to help the time pass as with time this will get easier and you'll be ever more sure you're doing the right thing. Lots of luck

PamelaFlitton31 Wed 31-Aug-16 16:36:09

Thanks all.
I've been for a HUGE walk today which exP & I had planned to do together this week. I'm not a big long-walk fan but I thought I'd give it a go.
I'm back now & glad I did it. Had a bit of a cry on the way back but on the whole it was fine.
freefrom yes thanks my accommodation is all sorted. Just got to move my stuff which I'm dreading. No idea if he wil be there or not. I suspect not because he's a coward.
There seems to be so many people going through this sort of shit. You all have my best wishes flowers flowers

adora1 Wed 31-Aug-16 16:40:42

Not just a coward by the sounds of it and nothing to miss surely, my god I don't know how you put up with all that crap; he's definitely not the one OP.

Blushingm Wed 31-Aug-16 16:47:44

Me and stbxh split about 7 weeks ago too so I know how you feel

I told him to go but I just couldn't go on

Keep writing here - I've found it's helped immensely

PamelaFlitton31 Wed 31-Aug-16 16:58:52

Thanks adora1 I'm not quite at that stage yet but have no doubt I will get there.

Sorry to hear that blushing sad
How are you feeling now?

Blushingm Wed 31-Aug-16 17:04:33

I'm concentrating on getting my house sorted. I've hired a skip and sorted the cupboard under the stairs and the kitchen - he was lazy and kept saying he'd do stuff and never did, he started our bathroom 11 years ago and it's still disgusting! So I've decided to sort stuff myself. Keeps me busy and stops me thinking!

Ex is being v difficult in wanting contact but DC want it on their terms and ex doesn't like it. I've got a mediation appointment tomorrow and I've already submitted my divorce petition to court.

PamelaFlitton31 Wed 31-Aug-16 17:33:56

Sounds like you've been really busy & getting on with stuff blushing
This holiday came at a very inconvenient time (or the split did). I wish I could have moved out before the holiday but it couldn't work like that.
Anyway, it'll be done by the weekend. sad

FreeFromHarm Wed 31-Aug-16 17:37:41

Take someone with you OP, and do not engage with him if he is there.
You are not alone, same to you Blushin.

Blushingm Wed 31-Aug-16 22:09:46

Got to keep busy - it's very therapeutic seeing the skip fill up!

Tbh DC seem happier at the moment - it's a lovely atmosphere in the house, like it's sunny instead of grey and cloudy

Blushingm Wed 31-Aug-16 22:10:33

Pamela - you'll prob feel so much better once you're in your new place - it's the uncertainty I find difficult

PamelaFlitton31 Sun 04-Sep-16 17:56:25

I thought I'd add an update. I've moved in to my new place. Move day was sad but relatively quick.
He was very upset in the morning & asked me to change my mind - I had an internal battle because my instinct was not to leave - but I told him that I had to and that if I stayed nothing would change.
What did help was that I found his 'second phone ' while sorting out my stuff. What really rankled about that was that he told me that his phone (the official one) is broken. So I can't contact him apart from email. Presumably the OW is free to phone him whenever she likes. That hurts.
I didn't tell him I'd found it because I couldn't bear to hear another pack of lies. I wanted to leave without there being shouting and arguing.
So there we are. It's sad and I feel lonely and miserable and despite his faults I miss him.

StickyProblem Sun 04-Sep-16 18:03:53

Well done Pamela flowers things can only get better now you are away from all his lies and disrespect. What are your plans for the new place?

aLeopardanditsSpots Sun 04-Sep-16 18:04:36

So sorry op. I've dealt with a similar type of arse hole who I now believe to have a personality disorder. Normal people don't tell lies like that. Cheating also, it hurts I know it does and i was broken when I found out about ow and then all the other shitty things he's done but time really is a healer. Maybe Google trauma bonds? Might seem familiar. He sounds like bad news all around just be glad you're out of it now x

missmoz Sun 04-Sep-16 18:07:45


He might love you but he doesn't value or respect you. Cliche I know but you deserve so much better. You have no idea what the future without him holds and that's scary. But you do have an idea of what a future with him would hold; more lies, more selfishness, more distrust. Even now when he should be begging for your back he still can't be honest with you, remember that. Also remember that he pisses himself when he's drunk because that's really gross.

Enjoy you new place, enjoy putting yourself first, and enjoy building a life with only people who treat you well in it. You won't be lonley foever. Best of luck. x

PamelaFlitton31 Sun 04-Sep-16 21:18:12

Thanks people. I know I will start to feel better & believe that it was the right decision. (Not that the decision was wholly mine).
The new place is ok but it might be a temporary solution- I'll see how it goes.
Back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks off- dreading that, a lot has happened in those 2 weeks.
Thanks again, I really appreciate the advice &'support that is available here.

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