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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

OH trying to turn my mother against me??

61 replies

Peachyfizz · 31/08/2016 09:39

This is quite a long one so sorry please bear with me.

Been with OH 2 years and we have a 10 week old baby.

Me and my family are very close especially me and my mum. I normally speak to her every day.

I've just gotten off the phone to her and she informed me that my OH had messaged her last night trying to put me down but trying to do so in a jokey manner. Saying he thinks I let our baby fall asleep on me so it's an excuse to not do anything. Obviously my mum stood up for me and said well it is hard having a baby, just give her a break. I just find it odd that he would text her saying stuff along these lines. She's obv going to tell me!! But he isn't that close to my mum anyway so I find it even odder!!

Us 3 and my dad went to the beach Sunday and my mum said name 3 things you love about her. He couldn't do it. He really struggles to show any emotion especially being soppy weather it be just us two or in front of people. He moaned the whole time we were at the beach.

He finds it easier putting me down than to express love. He's even started telling our 10 week old "men don't cry" which I had a go at him and said if he wants to cry so be it. He's a bloody baby! He snapped back saying I don't want a sissy boy.

In an ideal world I would leave him as there are other things too. But I'm just so scared. I don't earn enough financially, I dont know where I'd go. It's tough enough now and I think how would I cope alone. I have a feeling he would try take my baby away if I left him.

What would you do? Any advice? X

OP posts:

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PurpleVauxhall · 31/08/2016 09:53

He sounds appalling. You know what you need to do.

Helloooooooo · 31/08/2016 09:55

Men don't cry to a baby! That's horrendous.

Nuggy2013 · 31/08/2016 09:57

Jesus wept. Telling a 10 week old not to cry?
Cut your losses, here is my first ever LTB.

Branleuse · 31/08/2016 09:57

keep your wits about you and watch for any more signs that hes trying to alienate you and fuck up your self esteem. He sounds like a really negative person. Im glad your mum stood up for you x

ohfourfoxache · 31/08/2016 09:58

You know what you need to do. Please don't be scared, it sounds like you have a lovely family who will support you no matter what.

This is bad enough in itself, but if there is other stuff too then I would advise getting out asap

Haggisfish · 31/08/2016 09:58

Why would you have a child with such a man? Just leave.

missyB1 · 31/08/2016 09:58

This guy will grind you down. Its awful living with someone who struggles to show love and likes to put you down, I've got a friend in a very similar situation it has seriously affected her self esteem. Have you told him how unacceptable his attitude is and that its threatening your relationship together? spell it out to him that you aren't prepared to put up with it long term so he needs to shape up.

ElspethFlashman · 31/08/2016 09:59

Well it sounds like your mum would be supportive if you were to kick his horrible ass to the kerb. She's certainly got the measure of him.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 31/08/2016 10:01

Christ. He sounds awful tbh...

SpaceDinosaur · 31/08/2016 10:10

You let a 10 WEEK OLD BABY sleep on you

And he thinks it's to be lazy?

Erm... Fuck the fuck off springs to mind for him.

"Men don't cry"
Erm, yes they do you prick. Babies and children also aren't "men" so fuck the fuck off.

Get out of there. He's damaging.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2016 10:13

TBH with a man like this one you are pretty much alone now. This man is very much a product of his own (cold hearted) upbringing and he will not change. He's already starting on your son and telling him "men don't cry" so what is he going to be like by the time your son is say 5?.

What do you know about his familial background?. There are clues there.

Given how he is already towards his son do you really think he would want a child to look after full time?. Some men use the, "I'll take the child away from you" line or a version of as a threat. Its ultimately an empty threat done to maintain power and control over what they see as their woman aka possession.

You have already sated that in an ideal world you would leave him. Your parents sound supportive and I am certain they would support you and your son further. No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable. You can make a better life for you and your son, it does not have to be like this.

Peachyfizz · 31/08/2016 10:15

I did leave him last year, then 5 days later I found out I was pregnant. When I left him he threatened to kill himself and cried. He was a state.

I've tried sitting and talking but he gets angry and starts an argument as a way to avoid talking about feelings.

Deep down I know what I need to do, I can just imagine he would make my life tough and don't know how I would cope. I am very lucky to have a great family and a few good friends

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2016 10:22

Peachy

This man knew all too well how to manipulate you what with the tears and threat to kill himself when he knew you were leaving him. It was an empty threat to keep you in line. You are not also responsible for the actions of another person.

You do know what to do deep down and you need to leave this man before he ruins your life further as well as your child's. You have fmaily and friends to support you; use that resource.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships?. You really do not want your child to become a carbon copy of his dad.

Peachyfizz · 31/08/2016 10:23

*Attilathemeerkat
*
He comes from a broken family. His mum and dad hate each other. Father moved up north when he was lil. Dad never tried with him or his sister. He reached out to him and has some kind of relationship but his dad has a family of his own and his mum remarried and they had a kid. So I think he felt alone. He was a very naughty child and his mum couldn't control him. So I do think his background plays a massive part.

Yea I guess he couldn't look after him full time. He struggles with just a few hours alone to look after him! Yet I'm lazy! Ironic

OP posts:

LittleCandle · 31/08/2016 10:24

I seldom comment on threads like this, but you don't need this man's dead weight. Don't let his threats convince you to stay. Alert his family that he is saying he is suicidal, but for your sake and your baby's sake, you need to get out. It sounds as though your parents are well aware of what he is like and will be more than willing to support your through this. I don't want to go into details, but I know where your mother is on this. Please don't waste your life on someone who treats you and your baby like this.

ChinUpChestOut · 31/08/2016 10:24

...........I can just imagine he would make my life tough and don't know how I would cope.

This.

At least if you leave him, and he makes your life tough, you have a great family and some good friends. You have a mum who has already got his measure and by the sounds of it will support you.

Do you really think leaving him would be worse than staying and letting him get angry with your baby?

Or staying, and watching him try to manipulate and damage your relationship with your mum?

I've not said this before, either, but seriously........LTB.

notapizzaeater · 31/08/2016 10:26

He sounds a real peach !

Id be making my feelings clear and getting an exit plan together. He 10 weeks old FFS - course he cries. I had all on getting dressed by 10 weeks !

Peachyfizz · 31/08/2016 10:26

That is what I'm scared of, that my son will turn into him. I want him to have morals and respect. We were both brought up in completely different ways.

I don't even know where to start. How to pluck the courage up to leave

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ohfourfoxache · 31/08/2016 10:28

You can cope and you will cope. You've already been so brave leaving him once, I promise you you can do it again.

You do realise you deserve to be happy, don't you? That your life can be so much better than this?

You can't fix him. No one can, it has to come from within him. He has the power to change himself, and you have power and control over your future happiness with your beautiful son

RitaConnors · 31/08/2016 10:31

You have a mum and a dad who already do love;y things with you like spending the day at the beach. So, you won't be on your own. And you have your baby. Who deserves a nice life and not one living with someone who gets angry with him because he is a baby.

What do you think your OH is going to be like when your ds cries because you cut his sandwiches in triangles instead of squares when he is two, or because he is a shepherd in the nativity when he wanted to be a donkey at five or when he falls out of a tree at a new year's eve party at ten? (I am looking at you dd....)

Your ds is going to be walking on eggshells in his own home.

ElspethFlashman · 31/08/2016 10:33

Talk to your mother first about leaving. She might have good suggestions.

Oh and when he threatens suicide the next time (cos he will, it worked before so he'll try it again) respond that OK, you will call an ambulance. And call them!!!

There was one woman on here whose ex threatened suicide and she called an ambulance and when they came theysaw through the window that he was playing video games! He went mad of course at being found out - but that was the last time he threatened suicide to her!

0hCrepe · 31/08/2016 10:33

It starts with a decision. You can do that right now. I would then talk to your parents and tell them what he's like so they can support you through the split. Maybe you can live with them 'for a while' to avoid his histrionics.
It sounds like you feel sorry for him but it's your ds you need to prioritise, as well as yourself.

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Whooptydoo1 · 31/08/2016 10:35

I think you need to have a good long heart to heart with your mum, can u get out of the house and go to hers, talk about next steps, could u move in with her? It may be that he needs help to be a better parent (person) and to be a better partner to you, u def can't stay with the way things are. He's threatened to kill himself out of desperation and to control u, it is extremely unlikely he would do this, u are not responsible for him, u are not his carer, I hope things get better for you, it's good that u have a loving supportive family

Whooptydoo1 · 31/08/2016 10:37

I should also add that whilst he may need some help being a better parent etc, it is not down to u to provide this help, he's an adult, he needs to do it

Peachyfizz · 31/08/2016 10:51

Thank you for all your responses. I don't know how I got here. I used to be a very outgoing social person. Least there is one good thing and that's my son.

That's a very good suggestion elspethflashman he probably wouldn't do it again.

My mum has said she loves us but wouldn't want me to live back with her otherwise I'll struggle to leave and stand on my own two feet. Obviously if I couldn't go no where else she would have me I know she wouldn't let us go homeless.

Ritaconners he has little patience with anyone or anything so I can imagine him getting angry and shouting at my son which makes me sad. I don't want him growing up thinking its normal

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