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Has anyone been to marriage counselling etc?

(16 Posts)
LippyLiz Wed 31-Aug-16 07:13:27

or couples therapy. Not sure what it's called these days. I'm Interested in whether it helped, especially if it was attended due to partners affair.

I've ended my relationship with DH over his continued contact with OW. He's now asked me to attend counselling with him, this is very much out if the blue. I don't think I want to try to resolve things as he's hurt me so much so I'm just curious to hear about any experiences. I've no idea what to expect if I did agree.

RealityCheque Wed 31-Aug-16 07:35:49

Not due to affair, but been to two lots, one of which was relate.

If you enjoy wasting time and money for the opportunity to be treated like a child then go for it...

Longdistance Wed 31-Aug-16 07:44:13

We had counselling as I was very close to divorcing my Dh. Our relationship after coming back from Oz was absolute dire.

It helped us, but what helped was airing everything and letting it out. We individually saw the counsellor, but neither of us had an affair.

But, tbh I wouldn't have seen a councillor if he did as I'd be divorcing.

Sorry I'm not much help.

Hope you get the answers you want flowers

LippyLiz Wed 31-Aug-16 07:59:21

Thanks. He wants me to meet him to talk about our relationship and going to counselling. I want to talk but not sure if I'm ready and really only to get answers at the moment which some may say are irrelevant seeing as we've split up, but I may never get the chance to ask again, although I'm not sure ill even get full answers or whether he'll be answering with damage limitation as he's lied so much.

OkLumberjack Wed 31-Aug-16 08:59:35

Me and dh went after he had a 'sexting' affair with OW.

It helped us. Some sessions were better than others as I felt our counsellor didn't quite get our situation. For instance she'd say that we should just find anyone to look after our children regularly do we could be on our own more (I live 5 hours away from any of my family).

However we did talk much more openly whilst we were having counselling. The thing that helped me most was a small thing when she asked us to write down 10 things we loved about each other. It was a good to hear.

Don't go if you're not ready, but it could help to get some answers which may help you to heal more in the long run?

LippyLiz Wed 31-Aug-16 09:21:55

I'm not sure I could think of 10 things to be honest but yet I still love him

OkLumberjack Wed 31-Aug-16 10:31:24

Haha, I can imagine it being hard if you've already split up!

I think it helped us as dh and I wanted to try and stay together. Our counsellor did say they often work with couples who had split up but wanting to talk things over for their own 'peace'. Obviously I gave no idea how successful they are in that.

LippyLiz Wed 31-Aug-16 10:44:38

We've only been split up a week but over 6 months he's repeatedly pushed my trust by seeing OW and more recently staying in touch with OW when we were meant to be working it out and I can't do it anymore. I don't know if I want to save my marriage anymore or whether we can possibly get it back

OkLumberjack Wed 31-Aug-16 11:19:09

It's very possible to start counselling (if you decide you'd like to) stating that you're position at the outset is you are totally unsure if you want to try and work it out or leave. Counselling may help you come to that decision. It may help to have separate sessions yourself and also with your dh.

Or tell your dh you're not ready to consider counselling yet. You're in charge. Hope you find you're way out of the fog soon xx

LippyLiz Wed 31-Aug-16 11:21:58

Thanks very much. I don't think I've ever been so unsure of anything in my entire life. Thanks for listening

Melmelmel687 Wed 31-Aug-16 17:26:24

Yep. Individually he made out he suffered abuse from me she helped him leave 3 weeks later he spent all my money left when he got paid broke my car and left his son with no baby milk, some councillor.

adora1 Wed 31-Aug-16 17:32:00

Is he now with OW?

Mummydummy Wed 31-Aug-16 18:43:57

I kicked my ex out after his affair and we then went to counselling to decide what would happen next. I think with hindsight he thought it was to get us back together and 'mend' the relationship whilst I really saw it as the means to make up my mind. I found it very helpful for us to discuss the issues in our marriage, why he had the affair etc and it really helped us to communicate better and hear each other. After 3 months I decided it was over (he was very shocked). But I still think it was a good thing for me to understand better what had happened over our 20 year relationship and how poor our communications had been, the patterns of behaviour we had got into. You dont get closure but you are better able to understand what happened to your marriage and your life. He probably thought it was a failure, for me it was worth it.

LippyLiz Wed 31-Aug-16 18:59:37

Thanks. I don't think we'll be going to counselling now. I agreed to meet him tomorrow so that he could answer the questions I had on his latest betrayal but he rang me as he wanted to get it off his chest. After listening to him I've told him I don't feel there's anyway back for us. He too was shocked and I suppose I was surprised I'd actually said the words. I'm a bit sad but I know it's for the best.

Runoutoftime16 Wed 31-Aug-16 19:08:53

I would get over and get under if I were you. Your too good for him flowers.

Mummydummy Wed 31-Aug-16 19:30:33

Yeah maybe its not on the cards anymore. But I think you will find lots more questions without answers coming into your head and it can be helpful to really find out what happened... Not just the when and where.. Mine wasn't telling the whole story at the beginning but more importantly we got to the heart of what went wrong in the relationship - not just 'he could so he did'...Affairs are symptons of something, they have deeper roots. Also, I got him to really listen and to take full responsibility and to be challenged by the counsellor... It helped me. A little bit of justice? If that makes sense..

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