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Going back on previous future plans?

(18 Posts)
FindersKeeperz Tue 30-Aug-16 23:03:21

Ok bear with me. NC as previous was obvious to anyone who knows me.
Me and OH have been together 7 years always said we'd have kids and get married. Perfect, what I always wanted. Fast forward to when I got pregnant after actively trying and he freaks, we break up and eventually he gets over his meltdown, steps up to the plate and has become a great dad to our now 3yr old DS.
Been engaged for 5 years apart from brief split (when pregnant) lived together for 5 years (1 year we were away travelling the world together)
He is now dead set against having any more DC which I can just about deal with (hurts but have ds who I'm blessed with)
And has now after a convo this eve has admitted he doesn't want to get married, doesn't see the point etc.
I'm gutted... I don't know if I can go through life without being married (I know people do, but I've always had a picture of what my life will be and marriage is a part of it)
I resent him big time ATM.... Not allowed to have anymore dc or get married, if I knew from the beginning what he really felt then I probably wouldn't be here now 7 years on.
I don't know what to do, I can't force him to marry me but he can't force me not to get married IYKWIM
Well done for getting this far, anyone been in similar and have any advice??
I don't want to finish with him but don't want to end up resenting him either down the line.

pocketsaviour Tue 30-Aug-16 23:05:17

And has now after a convo this eve has admitted he doesn't want to get married, doesn't see the point etc.

So he's saying he's aware of the legal protections that marriage gives to you and your child, but doesn't want to give you them? Why?

FindersKeeperz Tue 30-Aug-16 23:11:23

Because he's an arse confused
I think the attitude he has is 'we're absolutely fine as we are'
Which we are fine... Obviously otherwise wouldn't be together and I wouldn't want to marry him but I may have old fashioned views but if you love someone that much then the next step is to get married?

Darcychu Tue 30-Aug-16 23:12:12

im afraid it doesnt sound good, wanted kids and marriage but now doesnt? why? you don't Suddenly up and change your wants like that there has to be a reason.

and the point? my most fave point of it is that i know if someone marrys me then they are in it for the long run, if my partner didnt want to then it shows no commitment, they are most likely already thinking about divorce before even proposing causing them to panic and just decide not too marry. i know that if a man Truly is in love with me then he wont mind having children or marrying me.

RandomMess Tue 30-Aug-16 23:24:20

Hmmmm I nearly split with my now DH over having more DC. In my heart of hearts I wasn't "done" I wanted to have more DC and I didn't want to be with someone who didn't "get" how much that meant to me...

So you have a child together and isn't prepared to marry you? Honestly I would walk - you are likely to meet someone else who does want to marry you and who does want DC with you. Life is too short for you to make ALL the compromise.

DH did stress/freak out about have DC (pregnancy wasn't planned) but he stepped up. Didn't want a wedding but did want to be married so he had to compromise!

FindersKeeperz Wed 31-Aug-16 09:15:24

This is exactly it Random. I just feel a bit selfish throwing my toys at the pram because I can't get what I want even though Ive always made it clear right from the start the way I wanted my life to go. And up until a couple years ago he was in full agreement with me.

Trifleorbust Wed 31-Aug-16 09:20:27

Obviously you can't force someone to marry you, but it is a pretty bad sign that he is refusing when you are so obviously wanting to do it. Most people who weren't keen on marriage would be more neutral about it and would probably do it if their partner felt strongly about it. He says you are 'fine as you are' but you are making it clear that that isn't the case. Is his response to this to refuse outright? Deal breaker for me, I'm afraid.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-Aug-16 09:28:33

Why do you not want to finish with him?. Are you staying now simply because of your son?. A bad idea if that is the case. Women also write the "great dad" comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

I would consider walking away from this man. The fact that you've been engaged for 5 years is not great either; he has never had any real intention of marrying you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 31-Aug-16 09:36:13

I agree with Attila

As soon as I read eventually he gets over his meltdown, steps up to the plate and has become a great dad to our now 3yr old DS

I thought, ah, so, he is a twat but you hung on to him because you wanted marriage and babies and didn't want to risk not finding someone else better in time.

He is being a shit. Not allowed to have anymore dc or get married Wrong, yes you are allowed, but not with him.

FindersKeeperz Wed 31-Aug-16 22:38:03

Not at all. I'm not just with him because we have a child. Granted I don't think I'd have the first clue about getting into the dating game again but I truly do love him and we get on great.
Trying to imagine my life without him is nigh on impossible (although sometimes I think it'd be easier.... Washing, messiness etc grin)

category12 Wed 31-Aug-16 23:07:28

What does he say to your "if I knew from the beginning what he really felt then I probably wouldn't be here now 7 years on"?

GingerbreadGingerbread Wed 31-Aug-16 23:12:16

How old are you?

To be honest from the outside I think you should leave him. He's a "messer", messing you around and everything's on his terms. What makes him think he's suck a prize he can call all the shots?

Go and be with someone who wants the family you want and thinks it's an honour to be your husband, not this waster. The fact he freaked when you were pregnant would have done it for me. He's what I'd call a "nothing".

adora1 Thu 01-Sep-16 14:08:57

If he feels ok about basically changing the future of your life when in agreement beforehand you should do the same OP, think of you, he's not. Massive insult to run off and leave you when pregnant and now an other slap as you're not worthy of him being your husband?

This is huge, you need to really consider your future now, I'm afraid he sounds pretty unimpressive; I'd go find a man that does actually want to marry me and protect me, plus you have a child, another good reason to get married, he sounds dead set against it, doesn't mean you have to go along with him.

FindersKeeperz Mon 05-Sep-16 17:04:51

Thankyou all for your comments.
I'm 28 and in my head have always wanted to be married and a mum by the time I'm 30.
OH knows this so we shall see what happens. I don't want to leave him just because I can't get my own way (my mum thinks I'm being unreasonable too)
It's out there now, he's aware of how adamant I feel about it so its up to him to pull his finger out if he wants to. Ball is firmly in his court.

category12 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:02:48

I'm perplexed by your last post. So basically you've decided to wait until he "pulls his finger out, *if he wants to*"?

Despite him explicitly telling you he doesn't want marriage and more dc.

How long do you intend to wait? 30? 35? 40?

How important is it to you to have marriage and more dc?

tribpot Mon 05-Sep-16 18:13:48

so we shall see what happens

So you're not prepared to give him any incentive to consider your wishes? He's told you flat out what he wants and that your only choices are to accept it or leave. There's no seeing what happens to do, this is it.

Seems to me he's figured out he's financially better off if you're not married. How does he propose to give you and your ds the same protections you would have if you were married? Or is he not so bothered about that?

As to having another child - unfortunately you will have to make a decision about whether you want that more than you want to be with him. He's entitled not to want any more children and you're entitled to want more.

Hidingtonothing Mon 05-Sep-16 19:08:58

For me this would be about the fact that he led you to believe one thing and is now saying the opposite. Yes people are entitled to change their minds but there would have to be a pretty compelling reason to go from believing in and wanting/planning marriage and more kids to categorically not wanting either. If he can't give you a definitive reason I would have to conclude he either never wanted those things (and has lied to you) or no longer feels sure enough of his feelings for you to want that kind of commitment with you. Either way I couldn't stay with him, why should you stick around when he's either a liar or is not that bothered about you? And why would you give up on the things you really want out of life for someone who's either been deceitful from the outset or doesn't love you enough to want to commit to you fully?

IonaNE Mon 05-Sep-16 20:01:42

OP, you're still young. If you still want to be married and a mum to more children, I think it's time to walk away. But now, not in 5 more years' time.

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