Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

AIBU to expect maintenance or more nights of caring for our DS?

(21 Posts)
Jac1970stone Tue 30-Aug-16 18:29:25

I split up with my ex after years of controlling and manipulative behaviour, which had increased to an intolerable level. He had put traces on my phone, wouldn't let me see family or friends, could t have people over and if I went out it was 20 questions when I got back. He finally left earlier this year, but since has been causing more problems with trying to turn friends and family against me, even some of my oldest friends, lying about me etc and now refuses to give me any maintenance or to see much of DS. We both work full time - he does shifts and he was supposed to have DS today during the day. He was in a mood, when I dropped DS off and before I could even say bye to DS, ex slammed the door in my face. I had only got out that he hadn't eaten yet as had only just woken up and didn't want to eat yet as DS went in the door. Then he messaged at the end of the morning to say I had to pick DS up early, (I was at work and in meetings) and I left as soon as I could but traffic was bad on the main road coming back so took longer and I said straight away traffic was bad as DS came out, DS gave me a hug then went straight to the car and I said to ex about has he had a look at dates to have him more in September and he said "well I'm having him Thursday night." (The only one he has agreed to for September so far) As if I should be grateful for that. I said I'd drop him off Thursday morning and he said no not until lunchtime. I said I'm supposed to be at work, he said well I've got the dentist and things to do, and I said but I have to work, and what other dates can you do. He said he couldn't. I said and what about maintenance? He gets paid I know tomorrow. He has only paid me £125 since he's left. He said that I had fucking caused all this and it was my fucking fault. I said that he needs to do more. And he said just fuck off. And slammed the door in my face again. So pleasant. DS also has difficulties ADHD, coordination and eating difficulties and it is hard work and I am exhausted trying to juggle everything and am now having to have checks with the doctor as I keep having stress related high blood pressure, blacking out and heart racing at times. DS has also said that ex has hit him twice recently and even that MIL slapped him round the face last time she was there. I don't know what to do to make it easier.

donajimena Tue 30-Aug-16 18:41:47

I'm wondering if your ex is my ex? wink
Mine was exactly the same. I think it gave him power over me when I asked for help/money and yes it was all my fucking fault too.
In the end I came to the conclusion that my mental health would be much better if I completely disengaged and stopped asking for anything. Financial or time.
I didn't have the option of the CSA owing to the fact that he was self employed (I did open a case but they never got a penny)
I'm not sure how the new system works but at least your ex is employed which is a start.
contact is another issue. You cannot force them to see their children. It sucks. I don't have those magical 'child free' weekends that everyone assumes lone parents had and I totally get that couples don't have child free weekends either but you can't even go to the bloody shop without taking your children with you. Forget a gym session or evening class!
I just wanted to sympathise greatly. But do consider lowering your expectations. I know it sounds glib but it helped me massively.
Obviously check out what your options are regarding maintenance payments!

QueenofFatAsses Tue 30-Aug-16 18:42:13

Go to CMS, that will hopefully sort out a regular payment scheduled
If people are hitting your child call SS and report it..

donajimena Tue 30-Aug-16 18:43:15

Sorry just re read your post! They are smacking him? Thats dreadful. Is contact the best option in this case?

Trifleorbust Tue 30-Aug-16 19:14:33

Definitely go to CMS for maintenance but I wouldn't be encouraging contact when your ex is hitting your DS, as this clearly isn't a form of discipline you accept and his grandmother slapping him round the face - just no.

Tipsywipsy Tue 30-Aug-16 19:22:15

You need to take control. He isnt paying maintainance so he will be fucked if he takes you to court. Phone cms, schedule up a timetable for him to stick to for seeing his son. Give it to him. Have your son ready at the scheduled times. Tell him you will wait half an hour either way, or you wont be home. Dont rely on him for childcare. Some people can not be reasoned with. He sounds like a dick

debbs77 Tue 30-Aug-16 19:40:08

I'm sorry, but do not send your son there!!!! Report them and get maintenance sorted. That's shocking xx

MatildaTheCat Tue 30-Aug-16 19:43:13

OP, are you getting all the professional and RL support you can with ds? Is he medicated or getting any other help? Please stop taking him to a man who cannot be bothered to be there and hit him, he will have far more problems.

Apply for proper maintenance and look at getting other respite. flowers it sounds very hard.

LumpyMcBentface Tue 30-Aug-16 19:47:07

Go through the CMS. Stop all contact. If he's desperate to see him he can go through the courts. There is no benefit to your DS seeing this spiteful, abusive man.

Frogers Tue 30-Aug-16 19:52:22

CMS to sort out maintenance and sort out separate childcare for him.

Do not rely on your ex for childcare in any circumstance and I'd be stopping contact given that your child has been hit. Deal with it through mediation if and when your ex starts it.

Disengage - change your phone number. Set up an email account solely for communication with your ex and give him that to contact you. Check it once a day or every other day and reply.

Mooey89 Tue 30-Aug-16 20:01:02

He is hitting your child. Is this fact?

You cannot send him.

Stop contact. Go to child maintenance. Regain control, safeguard your DS.

43percentburnt Tue 30-Aug-16 20:18:22

Get the hitting on record, GP or health visitor or school - you may need this in the future.

Go to csa or whatever it is now. He is giving you fuck All at the moment so help him by making it official.

I agree with a previous poster. He likes the fact you have to ask him to help you and then he makes your life difficult. Arrange alternative care ASAP, give him set times - weds evening and every other weekend. Collect at 9 am (or whenever) then at 9:30 go out and turn off your phone. Don't tell your son when dad is meant to be coming. Don't agree to take him to his dad's. Don't tell him anything about your life - your work schedule, days out, anything - he is a tosser.

If you don't take back control he will fuck you and your son around, because he enjoys making your life difficult.

Jac1970stone Tue 30-Aug-16 20:51:19

Thank you all so much. Such good advice. I have been so torn between hating him going there because he smacks him and having him go because I felt so desperate. I don't have any spare money as I had to take over all the bills for the house and can afford a babysitter about once a month at maximum for a few hours. DS is medicated for school but I don't give it to him during the holidays as normally I can cope with him and he is then free to express himself but ex can't cope with him. He has told me himself that he hit him. He doesn't deny it - good suggestion getting it on record though. I have an older son who has gone to him with him as well he's now 19 - he has completely turned him against me with his lies, even though I spent every day protecting older son. That's the problem- he is so manipulative and everyone else thinks he's wonderful - they don't see what went on behind the scenes. It was only when I became very ill from an infection four years ago and had multiple organ failure that I finally woke up and realised life was too short to take this rubbish and gradually got stronger and took more control and rebelled. It made life horrendous for a while but then I finally managed to get free. i have got in contact as well with a charity kids inspire who I met with on Friday last week - they helped go through things and it opened my eyes even further. She suggested he had narcissistic tendencies and I know that DS would be much worse in the long run if he had stayed. DS is already quite manipulative and attacks me. I hope the counselling offered by kids inspire will help him. And the school are in the loop too. Can't wait for him to go back to school so I can get a break and concentrate on work etc.

AstrantiaMallow Tue 30-Aug-16 22:39:15

I feel for you. Don't allow more contact than you have to. Keep a record of everything and tell people who can help you, and try to get everything formalised. Don't rely on him as he uses it against you.
Go through CMS for maintenance.

mummyto2monkeys Tue 30-Aug-16 22:58:55

Definitely stop contact, contact CSA and chase him for the money that you are entitled to. You can also apply for DLA for your son, this could help with funds and maybe pay for some respite. You can also self refer to social work/ children's services for respite for your son. You should get a carers assessment and they can fund carers who will take your ds to a club for children with special needs, or even just out to the park/ bowling/ anywhere to provide you with some respite hours. (I have a nine year old autistic son and am going through this process currently). Despite what your dh may have said to your eldest son, you could also ask your eldest son to spend some time with his little brother. I would be wanting to know if eldest son had witnessed violent behaviour from your ex during joint visits.

Jac1970stone Wed 31-Aug-16 02:58:08

Thank you all again very much. It is so helpful and such a relief for me that there is possible help out there. mummyto2monkeys How would I go about getting a carers assessment please? That would be. A great option as well as DLA. I do try to get eldest son to come over and see his little brother - I invited him for a BBQ two weeks ago and for a birthday dinner with DS on Sunday but he won't come. He said he would pop in this evening but didn't. So upset by this. I know he has been heavily influenced but I was always close to him as he was growing up, and protected him to the hilt, I regularly took verbal abuse and other abuse to protect him. He only comes to see me now when he wants something which has only been a couple of times and I repeatedly tell him I love him and am always there for him and not to believe everything his dad says and there are two sides to every story but he won't listen or let me explain at all. It is so hurtful.

I have been searching and found a club not too far away for children with special needs and have sent them an email - so a start! DS has great difficulty with friendships - he makes friends easily when we go anywhere but can't keep them as his behaviour gets out of hand at some stage or he is too controlling and gets others upset because he doesn't want to play their games, or their rules - can't imagine where he gets that from....

I am gradually rebuilding my friendships which took such a battering especially over the last few years when he wouldn't let me see people. It's good to feel I still have some friends.

FoofFighter Wed 31-Aug-16 04:26:19

He isnt paying maintainance so he will be fucked if he takes you to court.

This in not correct, courts aren't interested in the financial side of it. Contact and CM are seperate things and one is not reliant on the other.

OP - have you checked if you are entitled to child tax credits/childcare costs? Agree with previous posters that say don't ask or rely on him/his family for help - it'll be used as a way to control you, your work etc.

Jac1970stone Wed 31-Aug-16 07:20:32

I have tried tax credits but they say I don't qualify because I am full time on a reasonable salary with one child and they don't take into account your outgoings. Have got a solicitors appointment next Monday through the citizens advice. They did a maintenance calculator and said he should be paying higher level as he was having him less than once a week. I had no idea there were different levels before or how it was calculated. I do need to get on to child maintenance people and I need to get divorced to get the house properly signed over so he doesn't have rights and worry that he knows I am worth more dead than alive with the life insurance and my death in service benefit. So the quicker I get that all sorted I think the better. I know he is using it all as more ways to control me. He is trying to make life difficult it seems in any way possible. I heard last week that he was seeing someone else through online dating - two thoughts went through my head - one: poor lady to get involved with him, she won't see his darker side until much later, and two: maybe he will leave me alone more. Unfortunately number two doesn't seem to be happening.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Wed 31-Aug-16 07:34:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

43percentburnt Wed 31-Aug-16 19:07:08

Contact HR and change your death in service first thing in the morning. Contact pension provider and do the same. Write a will.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Wed 31-Aug-16 19:15:52

Stop contact or you can't accuse him of abuse if you give him the chance to abuse.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now