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I have a crush !! Im 48 and unhappily married ...help going crazy x

(13 Posts)
Lucky68 Tue 30-Aug-16 16:20:56

Hi all ,just been overthinking my situation and keen to know if anyone else has experienced similar.I have been unhappily married for 25 years to a violent,aggressive,possesive, abusive man ,had 4 children young and then he switched on me into a monster ,ive learned to deal with that situation and now it has no affect so doesnt happen much these days ,he knows i dont love him and never have so basically enjoyed punishing me for it ,made my life hell for many years ,now the kids are all adults would be perfect for me if he left and found someone else but he wont as i am the breadwinner ,he is an alcoholic too ,i wont leave my family home either everything in it is mine what i have earned.Im in my late 40s now and slowly realised i have never been in love , never had a loving relationship, never had a healthy sexual relationship either .About a year ago i suddenly started noticing men again ,hormones craving attention ? Me craving normality ? At the same time my nails grew nice ,my hair condition improved,my skin looked good ,my weight decreased ,is this coincidence ,wasnt by choice just happened. I started noticing men looking at me more and yes it felt nice , a guy my age moved into a flat nearby,he seemed to be outside his when i passed a lot ,my husband chats to him occasionally ,i never took much notice of him really ,recently i glanced his way and he was just staring and didnt look away when i looked at him ,he didnt move ,didnt break his stare either ,thought it might be a one off but it happened a few days later again ,i looked back and carried on walking by.The next day it happened too but we locked eyes across the road as i walked near ,i didnt break my stare neither did he ,it shock me i felt it , something happened , something was there i hadnt noticed before , i went to the shops very distracted and forgot most of what i wanted because of this look . So 2 weeks have passed this kept happening ,i can see his front door from my house and if i see him going in or out he always stares across at my house without fail,i have been going out on purpose if i see him outside just to test if he looks at me and he does every time.Hes always alone ,just him and his dog ,no women around ,occasionally has 1 friend over .I find myself now very attracted to him .Recently i was coming home and he was talking to a neighbour i had to walk right by them ,he looked my way saw me approaching and with a very well timed calculated turn as i got right next to him he turned full body looked straight in my eyes and nervously said hello ,i could have died i just rushed by said hi ,grinned and looked at the floor ,i could have dropped to the floor i dont know how i managed to walk ....i thought instantly ,he looked so nervous doing that no smile just a scared expression .I have since seen him and hes gone back to staring and not been close enough to talk ,whenever ive seen him hes speaking on the phone so i cant even instigate a hello ,he does get distracted looking across at me when hes on his phone and does double take looks at me if i appear suddenly.

So ive established writing this that im interested in him , i think hes very handsome ,others probably wouldnt ,im fantasising sex with him and would really love to kiss him and hold him .I know this is dangerous with my situation but is it a lot to ask to hope for some future happiness and love ?

My dilema is do i need to be the one to make the first move to make friends with him now so he can see my home situation as it is as i feel he might just keep his distance assuming im happily married and not approachable ? Surely if he does like me i shouldnt just ignore it because my homelife isnt ideal now ? Should i make it obvious ? Help !!!!!

Sorry if ive rambled but i dont have anyone i can confide in about this as all family and friends were pushed away years ago by my vile husband .
Appreciate any advice ,suggestions that might help me as overthinking this is driving me crazy x

MakemineaGandT Tue 30-Aug-16 16:28:41

Why are you still with your husband?

adora1 Tue 30-Aug-16 16:29:07

No idea why you have remained in such a miserable relationship and your kids have had to suffer it too.

Are you sure he's not looking at you because YOU keep instigating the looks, it sounds like you are very desperate for attention and I think he's probably noticed?

Nothing to gain here, I doubt he wants to mess with the neighbour's wife across the road and tbh just get out your shit marriage and then you are free to stare and do whatever you bloody well like, you do have choices.

Lucky68 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:03:19

Nothing every happened in front of the kids ,ive hidden it well , hes been looking at me for months ,its only the past month ive looked back ....being in a controlling marraige is very hard to get out of ,option 1 leave and go very far away and lose seeing my children who i help daily ,option 2 just wait until he dies for me to be able to live ?

adora1 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:08:06

Up to you OP but it is very possible to leave a miserable relationship, you just decide and you go! I'd be amazed if it didn't have a negative effect on your kids, just horrible.

I think the looking at each other like you are back being a teenager is just a symptom of your brain trying to tell you that you deserve and need a person that will love and care for you; it's not him personally, you don't bloody know him - your kids are grown up no, how does that stop you seeing them, very lame excuses, I think you are just used to your life with him and probably can't imagine it being different so you either carry on and put up with his crap or you go out and make a life for yourself by yourself.

Lucky68 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:09:43

My house ,my income ...he wont leave ,tried to have him removed once when the kids werecat school ,he smashed 4 windows kicked my front door off ,stabbed my settees to bits threatened to do the same to my mums house and my brothers house !!! Police took him andcreleased himvafter 2 hours as he convinced them he thought i was having a breakdown and needed help !!! I also gfeel a sense of duty hes my kids dad im not an evil person he is now an epileptic and an alcoholic .....hard situation to get out of !

adora1 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:09:54

And I doubt anyone on here is going to advocate you having an affair with the neighbour.

adora1 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:12:41

Being an epileptic doesn't mean you need 24 hour care, not does being an alcoholic, his choice.

he smashed 4 windows kicked my front door off ,stabbed my settees to bits threatened to do the same to my mums house and my brothers house

So how was that kept from your four kids?

OP, until you take the control yourself then I don't see how having a bit on the side with the neighbour is going to change anything, surely that will make you feel crap too no, it's not exactly romantic, hey do you fancy a jump, I have a shit husband but I'm up for some Jiggy? Just no.

Lucky68 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:13:06

Not looking for permission from anyone ,just anyone thats been in similar situation may have advice not judgements thanks .......

JacquelineChan Tue 30-Aug-16 17:21:16

i don't know why everyone is having a go at you OP, you sound like you are in a desperately sad situation. You are fantasising about strangers because you are just so unhappy , be careful , someone could take advantage of you.

I think what everyone on here is trying to say is that the 'crush' is a symptom and not the problem. the problem is your very unhealthy situation , I really hope you somehow find the strength to break free. I do understand that it will be very difficult but maybe you could find out some practical stuff that could help you, I really think you and your children deserve a happier life

thestamp Tue 30-Aug-16 18:29:24

You need to get away from your husband, you are just wanting happiness but he will end up killing you if you step out of line.

Of course you want to be loved. But you can't be as long as your husband is in your home.

Have you ever phoned Women's Aid? I really think you should. You have more options than you think you do.

Please don't make your own life even more dangerous by having an affair... I know that in your head you feel that the way you've chosen to do things makes sense... (eg staying with husband and just putting up with it for the kids) but it doesn't. Your children have probably suffered a great deal from the atmosphere in the house and how you and your husband have behaved (e.g. children will be very aware that mum has put up and shut up... which means that they are likely to allow others to abuse them too... or, to expect that they be within their rights to abuse others). By phoning Women's Aid and making a plan to get this man out of your house, at least you can show your children that there are other choices besides quietly condoning violence.

Forget this other man. He is just a drug you're using to distract you from your real problems. You NEED to get shot of your husband. It's not impossible. Do it now. Give yourself a chance to live in dignity and to be happy.

MakemineaGandT Tue 30-Aug-16 18:50:23

thestamp is spot on

It's unlikely the neighbour is the man of your dreams, but I can see why you've allowed yourself to daydream about him

Put that energy to good use getting rid of your abusive husband and then you can go on to do whatever you wish with whoever you choose!

Good luck

MatildaTheCat Tue 30-Aug-16 19:40:10

48 is so young, in your prime. Don't muddy the waters with an affair, use your energy in getting advice on losing the deadweight husband. He has conditioned you into believing you are stuck but you truly are not.

Even letting go of possessions is as of nothing compared to gaining your freedom. Then you can have a shag fest with whoever you chose.

Take the advice of the wise ones here who have escaped sad marriages and found a new, better life.

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