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don't know what to do. Oh has been violent

(279 Posts)
Dannii6 Tue 30-Aug-16 11:18:40

Hi everyone. I posted a thread last night with the full story of what happened between me and my dp the other night and someone suggested starting a new thread on this board for more advice.
Cutting a long story short my dp thought I'd cheated on him when I went out for my birthday with a person I had previously cheated with 5 years ago.
He tried to choke me and hit me across the face with a controller.
A lot of people have told me to leave him but I'm finding it difficult more on a practical level than anything else.
We've been together 10 years. Getting married in a few weeks.
We have a joint bank account but I don't really have access to it as I'm not to good with the financial side of things.
I have no where to go with my 2 dc and he's constantly crying and begging me to give him another chance.
What should I do. My heads all over the place sad

0dfod Tue 30-Aug-16 11:24:03

He tried to choke me

This is just about one of the biggest red flags that you can have.

You should report this to the police.

I would be very unwise to continue this relationship.

You may end up looking your life.

That is the bottom line.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 30-Aug-16 11:28:05

Oh my god, not this is huge.

You we're getting married in a couple of weeks. You can't marry this man.

You must gain access to the joint account. Who said you were no good at the financial side of things?

Do you have family? Friends? A neighbour you know to say hello to? Anyone you can approach?

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 30-Aug-16 11:28:39

Gah sorry, were not we're! Dur.

0dfod Tue 30-Aug-16 11:28:48

Losing not looking

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 30-Aug-16 11:30:00

Do what they said on the other thread, Leave.

No trust.
Violence
and varied other abuse.

ring womens aid 0808 2000 247

Protect yourself and your children

Dannii6 Tue 30-Aug-16 11:38:41

I don't even know where to begin to leave. He's left the house and is staying at his mothers to give me 'space' I think I'll give citizens advise a call and see what they suggest.
I'm reluctant to call women's aid as I feel id be wasting their time. At this moment I don't feel threatened or scared and he's agrees to leave for a bit.
My children are going to be devastated. They worship him sad

category12 Tue 30-Aug-16 11:39:10

Toddle down to your bank and order yourself a card. You can also withdraw money etc while you're there. He cannot keep you from accessing a joint account unless he freezes it. And then it takes the two of you to unblock it.

For the rest, please contact domestic violence services - you need help. flowers

Dannii6 Tue 30-Aug-16 11:43:55

I have my own card but we have different accounts so my pay goes into the one I have a card for and we use that on bills etc. Then the rest he transfers to our savings account.
At them moment we are skint. I don't even think there's money in the account right now. We're sorted for the month in regards to food shops been done. Bills have been paid. Ds new uniform has all been bought etc. But now there's nothing left. Not enough to move out on anyway sad

0dfod Tue 30-Aug-16 11:46:09

My children are going to be devastated

Op your dc would prefer you to be alive.

QueenofFatAsses Tue 30-Aug-16 11:46:39

You wouldn't be wasting anyone's time speaking to women's aid, it is what they are there for.
I definitely think it is important to log the incident with the police. x

SandyY2K Tue 30-Aug-16 11:49:31

What happens if he thinks you're cheating on him in the future?

Whilst it was totally wrong for you to go out with the person you cheated with, choking you and hitting you on the face are signs of his inability to control himself.

He could have decided to end the relationship because you went out with the person who you should have been no contact with after the affair (whether individually or as part of a group) instead of resorting to violence.

He could have killed you in his rage even if he didn't intend to. What if you fell and banged your head.

I think this is a clear case of the mistrust that is forever present once infidelity has occurred. He isn't over it and he probably never will be. Getting married would be a disaster and a divorce down the line.

From his side you shouldn't get married because:

● he doesn't trust you

From your side,.you shouldn't get married because:

● He's been physically abusive/violent

People shouldn't get married with no trust and with a violent partner.

There's no excuse for such violence.

Has he ever been violent before?

category12 Tue 30-Aug-16 11:50:29

Is it his savings account or joint?

You aren't wasting anyone's time - choking you is really bad - it's very easy to kill someone or cause brain damage by cutting off their air supply. Please take it very seriously. Please don't minimise.

Squeegle Tue 30-Aug-16 11:53:44

He is being nice to you at the moment because he thinks you will leave.
You need to leave. This is totally unacceptable. Can you go to your parents?

Heirhelp Tue 30-Aug-16 11:54:36

You need to ring women's aid. You would not be wasting your time. Trying to choke you is a sign that in future he will kill you. I am not being alarmist, this is the truth. Every week two women in the UK are killed by their partner or ex partner. How would your children cope without a Mum? You need to get specialist advice now.

DoreenLethal Tue 30-Aug-16 11:56:44

If it is your savings account then go to the bank and find out how you can access it.

If it is your savings account then you can withdraw money.

And what they all said. And what was said on the other thread. You cannot marry this man.

What is the house situation? Rented, mortgage?

Dannii6 Tue 30-Aug-16 11:58:46

It's a joint account. But I don't have a card for it.
I can't go to my parents. My mother passed away two years ago and me and my father haven't spoken in about 10 years.
I just don't know how I'm going manage on my own. I work full time but not on a mega salary. I've never claimed benefits so have no idea where to even start there. Could I privately rent? Or would I have to get a council house. How would I afford the rent? And will I have to move areas. There's no way I can disrupt my ds life more by making him move schools

Runoutoftime16 Tue 30-Aug-16 11:58:55

Do not marry this man, your future self will thank you for it I guarantee flowers.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Tue 30-Aug-16 12:01:50

Sweetie, normal, safe people don't try to kill their partners. It doesn't matter how angry they get, it doesn't matter how much you do to provoke them. Choking someone is trying to kill them. It isn't something anyone could swear they will never do again, because if they have done it once they have a core belief that trying to kill a woman is a fair enough response if they're angry. Safe people to be in relationships with don't do this .

Your children will be far more devastated and damaged by their mother being beaten or murdered by a man they love than they will by any consequences of you leaving and staying safe. You must be shocked out of your mind. Please ring Womens Aid and let them decide if you're wasting their time.

category12 Tue 30-Aug-16 12:03:11

If it's in joint names, you can access the money. Go to your bank with id, apply for a card, find out what the balance is, you can withdraw money too if you're ready to make that move. He cannot stop you accessing joint funds.

MoreCoffeeNow Tue 30-Aug-16 12:04:11

He tried to choke you.

All the problems you are seeing are nothing compared to what may happen to you.

category12 Tue 30-Aug-16 12:04:47

There's an online benefits calculator that will give you a good idea of what you would be entitled to.

dailyfailnotgoodenoughforchips Tue 30-Aug-16 12:06:34

He's agreed to leave because he's trying to seem reasonable and keep you sweet. If he stayed in the house, in your face and angry, you'd leave him for sure and then be more likely to tell everyone he strangled you.

Strangling is the biggest red flag. He could have killed you. Maybe he was actually trying to murder you and changed his mind/got tired. Think about that.

You need to call the police. You need to tell someone IRL. Call Women's Aid. I can't imagine standing up in front of everyone smiling while my would-be murderer said vows to be with me forever.

Have you got any friends/family you could open up to and ask for somewhere to stay? For support? By not telling anyone, you're giving him more power over you.

If the house is jointly owned/jointly rented, and you went to the police, you maybe wouldn't have to move - he may be the one who has to stay away and let you live there. You won't know your options until you become really brave and call the right people.

You need to protect yourself and your children, I'm so sorry that he has done this to you flowers

RandomMess Tue 30-Aug-16 12:07:42

You don't need to move out.

LauraMipsum Tue 30-Aug-16 12:10:29

If he thought you were having an affair then the reasonable and proportionate reaction would be to be upset and / or leave. NOT attack you physically. There is no justification for that.

You know you can't stay in a relationship like that.

People think domestic violence is something committed by a drunk man in a dirty vest top with a can of Stella in one hand. It's not, it's committed by men like your partner who justify their behaviour as a "reaction" to something you did and then turn on the crocodile tears afterwards, and two women a week are murdered in circumstances like these.

If you are working full time then you should be able to rent somewhere, you may need a top up from housing benefit / council tax benefit / working tax credits / child tax credits. Citizens Advice can tell you where to start for these.

In the meantime do you have anyone else you can stay with temporarily?

Can you go to the bank with your passport and get a card, or transfer some money into your personal account from the savings account?

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