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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Sex after 3 children

22 replies

Harriet81 · 30/08/2016 07:33

Can anyone help? We have three children (5,3 and 1) and most evenings I don't want sex as I'm too tired. I still love and fancy my husband very much and if poss would happily make love more frequently in the afternoons, I just don't want to at night when I could be sleeping. This means we are down to having sex about once a week or less and he is v unhappy about it. Whilst I want to make him feel better I don't want to have sex when I really don't want to. He asks about doing other things but it's not the act it's the staying awake that I don't want to do.
Any other women in the same situation? Please help

OP posts:

Report

LyndaNotLinda · 30/08/2016 07:39

Is there any reason why you're exhausted and he isn't with 3 kids Of 5 and under? Do you do all the night wakings?

I suspect you do. Any man who doesn't understand that his wife is exhausted when she's doing the lion's share of the work needs to grow up.

When you say he's 'very unhappy about it' how is he showing that unhappiness?

Forgettheworld · 30/08/2016 08:26

What an idiot! Tell him he's got 2 hands if he's that unhappy

Harriet81 · 30/08/2016 09:13

There aren't many night waking and he does do some too. He is exhausted but it doesn't affect his sex drive, infact I think he simetimes tries to use sex as eacapeism when he is tired and stressed. He shows his unhappiness by arguing, getting cross or going to the spare room/living room to sulk (I use that time to sleep). He then is more tired in the morning.
A large number of occasions I have had sex anyway and faked enthusiasm to avoid upset but I hate doing that. I love have I got sex with him when we both want it.
When say I'm going to bed, he'll ask if I'd like him to come too and this question translates to me as 'are you going to put out'. I tend to respond with i'd love you to but I'm shattered and just want to sleep. This said he then doesn't come up.
If he didn't ask this every time i think I might be more inclined but being put on the spot like that really annoys me.
The rest of our relationship is great it's just at night time.
What can I do to feel sexy at night time?

OP posts:

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 30/08/2016 09:18

Would you be able to have a bath with candles and a glass of wine?

Will kill many birds with one stone. You get to wash the day/kids out of your hair; you get to relax; you can 'relax' yourself a little in the bath; he can meet you in the living room/bedroom afterwards whilst you're all wrapped up in a fluffy towel...

orangeistheonlyfruit · 30/08/2016 09:23

Earlier bed times? You can have sex any time as long as the children are taken care of. If the children are in bed for 7.30 then 8 can be sexy time, building up an appetite for dinner together?

Harriet81 · 30/08/2016 09:24

That sounds good, thank you.

OP posts:

Harriet81 · 30/08/2016 09:27

Good idea, boys all in bed before 7 so this is doable. It's just difficult sometimes to go from mother mode to sexy mode. I think I need to go shopping for underwear I feel sexy in. Thank you

OP posts:

GruffaloPants · 30/08/2016 09:30

Are your younger kids in childcare? DP and I used to pop home before nursery pick up.

Now DD1 is in school we work round DD2's naps - but it is easier because DP is self employed. Any chance of your husband nipping home at nap time?

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 30/08/2016 09:30

If the boys are all in bed and asleep before 7, then you actually have plenty of time!

It's just a case of being motivated and getting your head into the mood and your body will follow

Yes you do. And you might find it helps to think about it. Think about whether you're going to tell him about the underwear, think about whether you're going to let him know you're going to do it, or whether you're going to 'seduce' him. Not in a 'manpleasing' way, but just in a way that makes you feel like a sexual being again. Because that's all that's happened. Harriet has got lost in Mum.

GruffaloPants · 30/08/2016 09:31

Didn't realise they are all in bed at 7! 7.01 would be a good time..

orangeistheonlyfruit · 30/08/2016 09:33

Sexy underwear/nightwear is always a good idea. And don't over think it, just throw the phone out of your husbands have and kiss! :D he'll get the message ;)

Wildberryprincess · 30/08/2016 09:35

I'd hate to feel forced into having sex to stop someone sulking or getting cross, that's bullying you into having sex with him. Once a week with 3 small children is doing great I would have thought.

GruffaloPants · 30/08/2016 09:37

The OP says she wants more sex too.

softboiledeggs · 30/08/2016 09:41

When I started to read your thread I thought it would be once a month or less frequent but once a week with children or not seems fine to me and also there's no bigger turn off than someone sulking for more than the other is happy with surely

DoinItFine · 30/08/2016 09:42

It's OK to be too tired for sex.

It's not at all OK to sulk and carry on because your partner is too tired for sex.

He is coercing you into sex you don't want.

That is grim as fuck and not something you fix with baths and sexy knickers.

He needs to accept your absolute right to say no to sex without him behaving luke a petllulsnt little prick.

Wildberryprincess · 30/08/2016 09:42

She doesn't want to be pestered very night. She's tired and doesn't want to have sex then. It would be fairly normal to want less sex with 3 small children. Having to have sex when you don't want to is not good for a relationship.

MatildaTheCat · 30/08/2016 09:54

To stop the cycle of him pestering you then getting sulky can you tell him that if he leaves you to it you will instigate sex but when you feel like it.

Then try some of the suggestions above and surprise him at different times. The frequency may not even increase but the thrill element definitely will and you may end up in some different locations and situations.

The regularity of sex isn't the only factor, adding some suspense and thrill may give him as much satisfaction as more regular but equally boring sex. And you, obviously.

GruffaloPants · 30/08/2016 09:56

Fair enough, he does sound like he is acting like a prick. Not much of a turn on!

BlackVelvet1 · 30/08/2016 10:09

One a week, he should count his lucky stars really!
He doesn't have any rights to sex or to your body, of course you don't want to have sex when you are exhausted.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/08/2016 10:12

I read this on another thread and it's so true: there is nothing as unattractive as someone sulking for sex. You need to talk to him and reset this pattern, if indeed you do want more sex. But if you don't, then that is totally fine too.

BlackVelvet1 · 30/08/2016 10:15

Just to add, DD is 7 months and we haven't started sex again.
I would like to sometimesbut with a baby and a toddler and no family/close friends, we just don't have any opportunity and am exhausted most of the time.

LyndaNotLinda · 30/08/2016 12:30

I think with small children all day long, you can feel so totally touched out that by the time they've gone to bed, all you want is your body to be your own for a few hours.

And I agree there is nothing more attractive than sulking when you don't get sex. Please OP don't ever have sex unless you want to. That crosses a very dangerous line

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