Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationship with xh after divorce

(45 Posts)
grassisgreenerwhereyouwaterit Mon 29-Aug-16 20:01:08

For all those who are divorced from their husbands but with children involved, I was just wondering what your relationship is like now with your xh?
I am recently separated (not my decision and have been devastated!) but we have three children together (9,5 and 1). There was another woman but now he just seems to be sleeping around! I think I will always love him and it hurts me just to see him at the moment. I was hoping one day we might be friends but I just seem to be getting angrier by the day at how he's treated me!
How did anyone else handle things?

CRazzyyAce Mon 29-Aug-16 20:02:49

I dont think you can ever be friends when there infidelity but I think once things aren't as roar then you can be civil

intheairthatnightfernando Mon 29-Aug-16 20:41:42

It's tough and it's horrible. I started out sure we would be friends. Now I loathe him. I hate having to see him at handovers...feels like a life sentence that these meetings will unfold forever. He left out of the blue, so was all guilty and trying to be pleasant at first...his true colours have come out now and I feel I dont know him at all.
Sorry you are going through this. It isn't easy and no-one can make you believe how hateful your own husband can be until he makes you live through it...my only advice is detach, detach, detach. And be sceptical of all he says.

Cassawooff Tue 30-Aug-16 06:30:24

I'm watching this with interest. I am in the same position (though H still with OW). I flip between trying to get on with him and be nice (and try to please him) and but am still so hurt and angry that I then say things I later regret. But I am so angry and hurt still. It's been a long time since he left but we were together a long time. Having to deal with him because of the DC is so hard. I have realised that him being a friend is not going to happen and am trying to detach. It is hard and so sad.

So I can't offer advice as I'm in the same place. Sending flowers as I know how hard it is.

Lostin3dspace Tue 30-Aug-16 06:37:25

Yep, mine started out 'amicable'....that was over two years ago and the financial settlement is still not resolved, and if he had not been such a grasping liar, perhaps a civil relationship could have been salvaged, but as it is I wish I'd never met him.
I cope by realising that the man I fell in love with does not exist, probably never did exist in fact.

LineyReborn Tue 30-Aug-16 06:38:58

I can't stand the man. He left for OW but lied to both our families about me 'being mental' to get sympathy for himself. When that unravelled, he tried control and nastiness from a distance.

I tried to be civil at first for the children's sake, but after years of his utter crap I had had enough and I closed it all down.

It's quite a common pattern, apparently.

I think men like this (my ExH) become very odd and needy in the end, but find they have alienated everyone around them.

pullingmyhairout1 Tue 30-Aug-16 06:41:13

It is very difficult. My ex told the world I had an affair when it was actually him. He believes his own lies so I have chosen to ignore and maintain some dignity, although there are a very select few who know the truth.

ConkersDontScareSpiders Tue 30-Aug-16 06:51:53

What pp have all said...we started out at the beginning of the separation as friends. But more stuff has come to light since, and it's made it all incredibly difficult. I guess all the things I didn't like about him when we were married are now traits that are magnified, because he is no longer making any effort to hide them. I haven't behaved perfectly at all and as the situation is hurtful to me, my behaviour has been reflective of that. I have been angry and upset and that's come out at times.He then paints me as being unreasonable and will use it as a stick to beat me with. All of which doesn't make for an easy time of it for our lovely DD's who are always going to be stuck in the middle.its all very sad.

Pinkjenny Tue 30-Aug-16 07:08:39

I come from the other side of this fence in that I'm the one who cheated. 4.5 years later, exdh is now remarried, and dp and I are still together as well. We are both far happier than we ever were together.

But, despite that, I have come to terms with the fact that it will never be anything more than mildly civil, he'll always hate me for what I did.

Just the way it is.

Planetmuff Tue 30-Aug-16 07:20:07

We broke up 19 months ago as he was cheating. Relationship with OW broke up soon after. I think he would love to be sleeping around but I'm not convinced he's getting any action <<ugly>> 😂

We are civil but will NEVER be friends. I am much better after being to the depths of despair and have seen lows due that man that I didn't know were possible. My anger peaked at Christmas last year but has gently dissipated.

We are cooperative related to the children but it is always icky and uncomfortable. Much more so for me, but he was planning to leave me for 12 months plus and is well ahead of the game. He looks confused occasionally that I'm still upset but then he was like that the day I found out. Couldn't understand why my family breaking up and losing my 'soulmate' was difficult. I suppose this will change as time passes and I 'get over' it.

Neither of us have new partners so that will be difficult for both is, I assume when (if) that happens.

CRazzyyAce Tue 30-Aug-16 07:23:08

I do feel that I share a child with acohol eye stranger, it has been over 7 years since we split up.

ravenmum Tue 30-Aug-16 07:31:37

Two and a half years here. The end of the relationship was very unpleasant and the split definitely not amicable. After a while he stopped just giving me grim faces and apparently decided that we were now friends again. I just want to have as little to do with him as possible, as I can't reconcile this friendliness with his total lack of interest in my feelings at the end. We sent our daughter off for a year as an Au pair, then he sent me a text about how "our baby" was all grown up now. All I can think of is him telling his OW that he didn't really want to have children with me. So that brief encounter with him just sends me straight back a couple of years. If I don't have any contact I can just forget him.

Cassawooff Tue 30-Aug-16 08:08:04

It's completely understandable that you are hurt, you still love him, it's hard to turn those feelings off, but then the man you love and thought loved you behaves so badly and it's so hard to adjust and no wonder you are angry where he has left you.

My current relationship with my STBXH is awful, we cannot communicate, we just seem to be unable to agree on anything, we both upset and wind each other up. I hate it, I still love him, but the pain and hurt and anger I still feel when I see him have me being unpleasant or self-pitying or bitter. It's destructive and is not helping me get better. So whilst I still want to see him, I know for now I need to have as little as possible to do with him. I'd urge you to not let things get as bad as I have.

I'm not sure we can ever be friends, i agree with PP it's hard when there has been infidelity involved. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him for this. But maybe that will just continue to hurt me even more - I have real fear of becoming a bitter old woman over this...

hellsbellsmelons Tue 30-Aug-16 08:25:49

He is not your friend.
It seems hard but you need to get practical.
Get legal advice and don't believe a word he says about it all being amicable.
Like previous PP's mine was fine to start with.
That soon stopped and I was left to sort everything out with no maintenance and no way of getting any.
He lives in another country so it's been easier as there are no handovers and I don't have to see him.
That may all change soon by DD is now 18 and able to sort it all out herself.

housewifedesperate Tue 30-Aug-16 08:48:32

I was with my stbxh for 24 years, married 15 (although still technically married 18 months after break up) with 2 teenage children.
He had an affair and tried to cover it up. Luckily I discovered evidence of his yuk duplicity and was able to change my behaviour so as not to be the walkover he expected me to be.
It's because I'm not just giving in and playing nicely that he hates me.
I don't know the man that I was married to. You doubt that you ever did. It's not just the way they treat us, the ex partners but their children as well, that, in my opinion hurts more.
Like other people have said, the person you thought you knew has gone and is no longer on your side. Fight for what's legally yours for you and your children. It's not at all easy (far from) but you'll get through it and be stronger. Good luck

grassisgreenerwhereyouwaterit Tue 30-Aug-16 09:04:30

Oh no I was hoping for some positive stories ha ha I think I'm being a bit naive sad we are going to do some counselling together to help us to try to stay amicable, did anyone else try that?

MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 30-Aug-16 09:08:08

I'm 4 years on. There was no infidelity, but there was EA. We get along ok as long as we don't need to discuss money, or one of the dc doesn't mention my dp (met after the divorce was final) as that starts him off ranting about how he's going to punch his lights out. Sigh.

Crispsheets Tue 30-Aug-16 09:12:44

I divorced 2 years ago after 20 years of marriage. My idea after years of EA.
I think he is seriously unhinged...he can be nice one day, then I will get abusive texts the next.
I have blocked him on my phone and told him unless it's a child welfare issue or a financial one, he does not contact me.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 30-Aug-16 09:22:01

I'm sure there are many separated and divorced couples that get on fine.
The issue is when OW is involved it can get messy.
Just make sure you know what you are entitled to and ensure you don't sign or agree to anything before having it checked out first.
The issue is they start to resent you and what they have to pay you.
They don't think about the fact the kids are theirs as well and they have to pay for their upkeep.
They just see the money disappear and get very bitter.
Just keep your wits about you and you may well be able to do this amincably.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 30-Aug-16 09:22:57

amicably

MollyBloomYes Tue 30-Aug-16 09:28:49

Mine isn't exactly positive but I suppose it's the best it can be. STBEXH left me four weeks before birth of second child. 'New' girlfriend surfaced very quickly. I'll probably never know the full truth but had suspected at least EA.

It's been bloody hard. We have a toddler and baby so I have to keep seeing him. Baby was ebf and wouldn't take bottle so for the first few months I had to be there on his time with them! It's better now I can drop them off but I still veer between rage, sadness and a sort of acceptance. To compound matters he doesn't have a car that'll take the car seats and isn't able to afford much more than a bedsit, so it's me doing all the running around for a relatively short amount of time as the toddler needs to get home for a nap!

I'm just hoping time will help. We're civil, he doesn't make things awkward (at the moment, we'll see if that continues once the shame has worn off) but it can be very confusing because despite it all I feel sorry for him, even though his whole shitty situation is his doing!

It's so hard because the no 1 rule in a breakup is to go NC and you can't do that if you have children together! Civil is good, I don't want to be his friend and I don't want to feel sorry for him and I just have to hope that detachment will continue to happen.

Your ex shouldn't be your friend, but it can be easier to hope for that so that nothing has to change too much. You can still have an effective relationship in your parenting without having to be friends. After all, why would you want a friendship with someone willing to hurt you when there are so many more people out there who deserve your time?

mrsbrightside3 Tue 30-Aug-16 09:41:15

Me and my exh have been separated for 4 years, divorced for 2. We had a reasonably amicable split after 15 years of marriage and 3 children. Although the split was instigated by me. We ended up living together for a a year after we separated due to us selling the family home. The first six months was hell, but then we slowly started living separate lives and drifted into housemates, this really helped a civil relationship form. By the time the house was sold and we had bought our new places we were quite good friends. We have shared custody of our 3 kids who are now in their teens. We love so close that we don't have 'handovers' as such as the kids walk the two streets between our houses, but when we do see each other we always have a coffee and a catch up. We do all school events and family occasions together, including xmas. He and his new dp also came to my wedding to my new dp last year. We don;t always see eye to eye and we wouldn't hang out or choose to be friends if it wasn't for the kids, but I think we have become more like family now - and we all know you can't choose your family! smile

FreeFromHarm Tue 30-Aug-16 10:43:51

Lostinspace, it's the lies and reputation destroying xh has told people to cover his tracks of dv, you are right our marriage never really existed and it is the with the dc, ow has no idea she is living with a narcissist ! Our financial affairs now have to go to court because ow has moved into marital home ( up for sale) she obviously has no idea every month he gambled half of his wages ... So it drags on . Abusive and controlling from a distance as we escaped his dv... 21 years and I have no idea who this man is !!! flowers

FreeFromHarm Tue 30-Aug-16 10:45:45

LineyReborn... your last paragraph , ' they become needy' is so right .... It's all to convince others they are the victim !

breezybeach Tue 30-Aug-16 11:22:43

I do know of people who have good friendships with their ex after divorce . It's a highly preferable situation if you have DC yes of course . I think it takes a while though to get there .

But I am not with my own Xh . Can never visualise it happening either . He has behaved appallingly at times since we seperated

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now