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what constitutes as a porn addiction?

(39 Posts)
user999 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:02:40

I'm just wondering if you would think this sounds like a porn addiction?

I've been unhappy with mine and my oh sex life for a lot of our relationship. I'm a once every day or every other kind of person. For him it seems once a week or every 10 days is enough. I explain I'd like it to be more often but always met with excuses, tired/his weight/stressed etc. He stays up late most nights and seems to keen to pack me off to bed if i stay up late with him. "Aren't you tired?" Etc. I often wake up at 1 or 2am and he's still downstairs. After being him suggesting I go to bed the other day, I woke up as usual to him not being there. I could hear that he was masturbating downstairs. Something in me just snapped. I was unreasonable, I know. I confronted him, explained how I know he stays up late most nights to watch porn, that his lack of interest in me sexually is ruining my self esteem, and how sexually unfulfilled I feel. I did explode bit this has been an issue for a long time. He said he doesn't watch it all the time, made excuses said he'd try more. We had sex three times that week. But low and behold it's been two weeks since the last time. I have checked hos phone in the past (I know this is bad) and he rarely goes more then a couple of days without watching porn. I feel puts far too much of sexual energy into his own solo sexual release and not enough effort into our sex life. To top it all off when we do have sex he's usually lazy and there is little to no foreplay. At times its been obvious he's viewed porn and come with his erection from the porn and had sex with me. I caught him as he forgot to switch the telly off. Sorry to ramble. Does this sound like he may have a problem?

user999 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:03:42

Sorry for typos on phone.

SaggyNaggy Mon 29-Aug-16 17:07:49

Sounds like you're putting on lots of pressure for him to perform, he doesn't want to, ypu guilt trip him.

Whether or not he is addicted to porn is a separate issue, I'm curious as to why you feel he should be you're willing sexpartner when and where you say so and why his feelings are secondary to yours?

If he is watching porn every single night and he can't stop, then its an addiction. If, however, he's staying up because he does t want to come to bed because he doesn't want to be pressured into sex by ypu then its something different.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Aug-16 17:12:08

Well, you have a problem with it so yes, it's a problem

He sounds like a lazy pornhound, addiction or not. In fact, you calling it an "addiction" legitimises it. He chooses porn over quality sex with you, that is all you need to know

Walk away

user999 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:16:03

I think I didn't explain properly, these conversation have been over many years. I rarely bring it up. This explosion was the first time I mentioned it in years.

As for expecting him to be a sex partner when I feel like it its actually the opposite. My self esteem is so low I don't feel able to instigate sex. I wait for him too as I'm so used to being turned down. If I ever turn him down (its rare) he sulks and pesters me until I give in.

I told him sex is always on his terms in the last argument. He has full control of our sex life. We don't have sex for weeks sometimes but when he does want it he wont tale no for an answer if I don't want to. Often I will say no and push him away if I'm ill and he will continue so I just give in.

orangeistheonlyfruit Mon 29-Aug-16 17:16:25

Ok so he's not using the porn because you're not up for it. Do you think there is a secret sexual fetish he has, and this means the sex he has with you just isn't doing it for him? If you look at the porn he's watching is it just normal stuff?

If that's not the case I would say he's obviously got into a solo routine and can't wait to pack you off to bed. I'm not surprised you flipped out at him, does he not realise how damaging this is to your relationship?!

Sorry but there's no way I could be with someone like that. How unattractive!

blue2014 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:19:15

I didn't read this as pressure to perform at all. He seems really inconsiderate. If he didn't have a sexual drive then that's fine that he wants sex with you less than you do with him, but that's clearly not the case. I don't mind a partner masturbating in a relationship but not at the sacrifice of the relationship which he sounds like he's doing.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Aug-16 17:19:50

Oh dear. Things are worse than you originally said.

He is a sexual abuser

Even more so...walk away

user999 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:21:00

That's what I thought orange but the porn is very vanilla.

orangeistheonlyfruit Mon 29-Aug-16 17:24:02

Hmm well that's that off the list then.

Do you think he gets a kick out of saying no to you while you knowing he's downstairs with a pile of single socks?

How is your relationship otherwise?

WombOfOnesOwn Mon 29-Aug-16 17:27:04

He's lazy and entitled and can't be bothered with caring about you as a human being. Your sex life when you actually have sex is unsatisfying and all about his needs because in porn, women are just playthings that have no desire or agency of their own.

This is why I refuse to date men who use porn. Once women are just a fungible smorgasbord of holes to fuck, surprise, surprise, you get treated the same way. LTB.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 29-Aug-16 17:30:26

"He has full control of our sex life. We don't have sex for weeks sometimes but when he does want it he wont take no for an answer if I don't want to. Often I will say no and push him away if I'm ill and he will continue so I just give in."

Do you need a stranger to give a name to this for you?

So you can dump his sorry arse. No bloody wonder you've got self-esteem issues! They probably all stem from his vile behaviour.

smilingeyes11 Mon 29-Aug-16 18:25:58

I think porn is the least of your worries - even though that is bad enough. Many people would report him to the police for what he does. I am sure once you dump him your self esteem will be much improved.

Resilience16 Mon 29-Aug-16 18:36:05

I am sorry you are in this situation. Your partner is controlling, emotionally abusive and sexually abusive. The porn addiction is also a red flag.
You deserve better than this.
Please look at getting out of this toxic relationship, as it is unlikely to improve, and the longer you stay the more your self esteem will be worn away.
Contact Women's Aid for practical advice of exiting an abusive relationship.

neonrainbow Mon 29-Aug-16 18:49:01

I'm sorry to hear what he does to you. I think you should leave him. I would call it rape. He knows you don't want to have sex and makes you do it anyway.

TheNaze73 Mon 29-Aug-16 20:06:05

I don't think he's bothered at all. The porn is just part of a far deeper picture

WilLiAmHerschel Mon 29-Aug-16 20:09:54

The porn habits alone would be enough for me to end this relationship.

user999 Mon 29-Aug-16 22:36:39

We discussed the fact he doesn't seem to understand no and that I feel like I have to I the argument. He said he didn't know I felt like that and it won't happen again. hmm

user999 Mon 29-Aug-16 22:37:46

*in the argument

Melmelmel687 Tue 30-Aug-16 13:50:29

Leave him find a real guy who enjoys sex

adora1 Tue 30-Aug-16 16:47:17

He's never going to be your equal, he prefers porn to the real thing, how sad is that?

You can talk to your blue in the face, he won't change so you do it and find a man who wants to have foreplay and proper sex with you, not some lazy git who has to get aroused by watching porn to have sex with his partner, you are not being unreasonable, he is, in fact the way he is would ensure I would never want sex with him ever again.

adora1 Tue 30-Aug-16 16:49:47

Jesus just read the bit about him forcing you to have sex, this is beyond normal, stop allowing him to abuse you and stop accepting this is a normal way to live, it's not.

user999 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:55:21

The last time it happened was a couple of a months ago. I pushed him away and said no maybe 6 times. I had given birth about a week before so didn't want to yet. In the end I gave in. He asked half way through if I was ok, because it must have been obvious I wasn't. I said he might as well finish now which he did.

I thought that night I couldn't stay with him anymore but then he was being so nice to me and loving for a couple of weeks. So I just pushed it to the back of my mind.

I was in an awful relationship before, I think its warped my perception of what's normal.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Aug-16 18:09:33

Yes. That is very far from normal. He raped you. A week after delivering a baby. He should not be walking the streets.

user999 Tue 30-Aug-16 18:11:55

But if I let him, as in stopped resisting his advance, is it really rape?
I'm sorry if that sounds stupid, I know its a dickish thing to do but rape?

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