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Trying to find the strength but it seems non-existent

(5 Posts)
MissSJM Mon 29-Aug-16 12:40:52

This may be long but I'll try to keep it as short as I can.

I am 27 yo with 2 children (ds turning 3 yo and dd turning 1 yo on Sunday). My children's father and I are not in a r'ship but we are great at co-parenting and get on well...until yesterday...

Since dd has been born I have been struggling quite a bit with managing both kids (I had a slight bit of PND when dd was born). I feel exhausted and emotionally/mentally drained. I very rarely have any 'me' time and rarely have time to rest apart from when the kids go to bed. My children's father does not live with me but does stay with me from time to time as he works in the area, so will drop the kids off to the childminder and is extremely helpful with the kids which does take the pressure off a bit. But as he works full time and goes back to his house every couple of weekends, I'm looking after the kids on my own for most of the time.

So anyway about yesterday...ds stayed with his grandmother and auntie over the weekend (dd stayed with me as they felt it would be too much work to take both kids as they were also looking after another granddaughter). They also mentioned this reason a while back which I told my children's father I wasn't happy with but as dd was only a few months old I let it go.

When my children's father returned with ds I asked him if they would be taking ds again and he said they would be taking dd next time and not ds, leaving him with me. I was not happy and said that I refuse to continue having my kids being separated like that and said it's either they take both kids or none of them (DD had never met her auntie before until Friday and was crying as she was not comfortable, and is a bit hit and miss with her grandmother). I also said if they want to come to the house to see them then I'm happy for them to do that (they don't see the kids often, maybe once every 6 months or so). I asked if they keep taking only one child then when do I get an overnight break, and he told me to stop moaning. I broke down and went to my bedroom as I felt like I would never get a break.

Children's father came into my bedroom and asked me what was wrong and when I told him how I felt he became aggressive and pointed his finger in my face and shouting in my face "either stop moaning or shut up!" When I stood up to leave, he stood up and blocked my way and aggressively told me to sit down whilst pointing at the bed. I then said I'll go the other way and climbed over the bed and he ran towards the door to block it and exclaimed that I never listen to him, and I told him why would I want to talk to him when he's acting in that manner.

Not too long after, he said he was going home and I said no I want to go and get some air and he can stay with the kids, and he said no he's going. He said goodbye to the kids and basically went.

I feel like I've been made out to be a bad person for stating that both kids should stay with their father's family and not just one. I've hardly had any sleep and feel like I'm running on zero energy. My mother could look after the kids but is severely partially sighted and has arthritis, so is in a lot of pain at times and struggles. I don't know what I want from this I just needed to talk as I don't have many friends.

Thank you for reading x

MissSJM Mon 29-Aug-16 15:25:57


Resilience16 Mon 29-Aug-16 21:32:55

I'm sorry life is feeling hard at the moment. Looking after going kids is hard, especially when you are feeling exhausted and low.
Have you had any treatment for your PND?
I can understand why the aunty and grandmother might feel they can't cope with both kids together, but why can't your ex look after them both? It may be you need to formalize access arrangements so at least you will definitely know when you will have a breather.
Your daughter isn't going to get used to her aunty if she never spends time with her. Would it be possible to maybe take her over there to visit and hopefully their relationship will improve.
The aggressive shouting and storming off are concerning tho. Has this happened before? Is this why you split up?
Would it be possible to put the kids into nursery for a few hours each week to give yourself a bit of me time?
Be kind to yourself, you are doing a hard job in difficult circumstances.
Hug of support for you.

RedSquirrel24 Mon 29-Aug-16 22:42:20

I do feel for you,

Their fathers aggressive behaviour is very concerning, has he been in touch since he left?

With refused a to being a full time single mum, it is hard and it sounds though like you are doing a great job. I have three kids and Split with their father when 2,3 and 5, he had very little to do with them for the first 8 months, think he saw them 5 times, though contact has now increased, but at the time it was hard, loud music, dancing and being silly helped me cope with the complete exhaustion I felt daily.

I also felt that I didn't want them split up, I considered and still do that they are a little unit, I'm certain they got support from one another when they did and still do go for over night stays, though it is completely understandable that relatives feel that it is too much for them, that was also the case with me, though now they are a bit older my mother has had them for a sleep over this summer, just one night but she has offered again, small steps but steps non the less in the right direction.

I guess that at the moment you can't see this phase ending, but I promise it will, and it does get better, things will get easier, do you do any playgroups with them? That also helped me and I made some good friends whom I'm still in contact with and see regularly.

Mrsrochesterscat Mon 29-Aug-16 22:57:01

Oh sweetheart!! I know the endless exhaustion well!! It does get better I promise!

Re splitting the children up - I too had this issue. Very few family around to help, but would only take DD1. It's a mix of needing a proper break, and knowing they have each other when they are missing me that I found difficult. Now they are older, I understand that people were afraid of taking care of two. Especially when DD2 was a few years younger - this made it difficult to entertain both with the same activities.

Perhaps get back to exP and explain you are exhausted. That you understand aunt can't take both at one, but that he needs to take both overnight at least one a week.

That said, I don't like the sound of his aggression. I'm not sure I would feel safe with him around again.

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