Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I being a bitch?(7 Posts)
Hi I just wondering if I am being a cow or I have valid points? These are just some examples of me and partner falling out over our LB who is 10 weeks.
Tonight I changed our LO and put him in a vest. OH said leave him in nappy and I said no he kicks the blankets off and the temp drops in the night. Then when i fed him,OH wanted cuddles which obviously is fine. He laid LO in bed next to him both laying on their sides. OH began falling asleep. I just said please don't fall asleep like that, you could roll abit and suffocate him and he's meant to be on his back. Well all hell broke loose!! Apparently I'm selfish, think I know best, stupid etc just for saying this. Even though I said cuddles were great but don't fall asleep.
Another example was when LO was 2 weeks old he was throwing up all the time and not well. Apparently I was over reacting saying there is something wrong with him. Turns out he has a milk allergy and reflux.
I just feel like he tries to make me feel stupid and like a cow when in fact I think I have valid points and wouldn't want harm to come to my LB. there are more examples but this thread would go on forever! Am I being a cow? Would be good to see what other people think as I feel bad now!
It sounds like you are more concerned than he is. Neither of you is 'right' per se. Falling asleep in bed with a baby for example is perfectly OK with some parents, not with others.
The way he speaks to you is more of an issue. Selfish and stupid aren't words I would want my partner to use. Does he use nasty words a lot?
OP I am with you on this one.
I'm not sure where you live, but in the UK baby sleep guidelines are for babies to sleep on their backs, feet to the bottom of the cot. My DGS always sleeps in a grow bag, so no need for blankets or quilts either.
Your DP does not sound either kind or caring. I would be pulling him up on using this language to me, every single time. It is not acceptable.
I had a disagreement with how far open the window should be. My husband has a weird notion that any draft is terrible for a baby. I am slightly obsessed with the temperature of our bedroom and sids. My husband is in a strop about it STILL! This is not helped by the fact that he forgot to turn his 5.30am alarm off and it woke our 11 week old. I am in trouble because I took the opportunity to ask if he'd tried to turn the alarm volume down in settings
like I have asked every single morning!!! Sorry, I went off on a personal rant there! Husband is now downstairs clattering around making himself a cup of tea and won't come back up I'm sure. Nob.
Anyway. New parents are often exhausted and can be quite snappy with each other. Mix that in with having different approaches to parenting and you have to communicate thoughtfully. Easier said than done when tired. we weren't there to hear how you phrased it or what your tone was like. His response sounds ott and he shouldn't be speaking to you like that. Could you try and sit down with him today to discuss it?
Tell your DP that if he ever calls you stupid again, especially in front of your child, that you will be seriously rethinking the relationship. That is completely disrespectful and needs to be stopped before it becomes worse.
Next, remember that you're probably both sleep deprived and a bit exhausted from having a teency baby so do try to be a bit gentle when discussing raising techniques with parent.
This is s hard time for new patents and tensions are high. It's a really common period for a relationship to break down. Talk to each other and make sure he knows you know this, and that you will both try to be open and understanding in the months to come (but that name-calling is not ok).
Get a sleep suit for the baby, and look up safe-sleeping guidelines. Look up any other government advice that you think may have an impact on your parenting in the near future. Show these to your partner as a whole, in a non-confrontational way. If he argues with clear statistics about how to keep babies safe then you have a bigger problem...
I don't think you're a "bitch" at all for giving him the advice you gave him, but did you say it in a bitchy way? Still wouldn't excuse is tantrums but worth thinking about how your delivery might make him feel when he's already exhausted and possibly feeling a bit pushed out if you're breastfeeding etc. I think some fathers can feel a bit marginalized given this is a special mum's only bonding moment.
It's all in the delivery and if my DH spoke to me like that then I'd be pissed off too. You're entitled to your opinions but your being doctoral and short with your DH. It would help to soften the way you speak to him about things the first time, and only get snappy if it's a persistent issue.
Re the nappy, you could have said, 'I'd thought about that but he's so wriggly the blankets get kicked off and he then gets cold'.
Likewise with the sleep incident. 'DS is so lovely and snugly you're falling asleep, pop him back to be on the safe side'.
If you're short and snappy with him from the start you've got to be more than that if things happen again. Likewise I certainly switch and lack respect for anyone who can't be civil to me so it damages communication and relationships going forwards. Fine to be snapped at if its an ongoing issue with me, not as an opening gambit.
Of course it's hard being a new parent, you are both tired and adjusting to a new life and new roles, but try to see the changes as a shared challenge because of your precious new baby and to be talked about, rather than starting to dictate and turning it into sides of a battle.
If this is both your first baby you are both on exactly the same learning curve, you're equal parents and equal partners in this so you better team up and stop trying to tell each other what's best when you're both winging it. It's normal. Try not to be condescending with each other and you'll get through this bit.
Join the discussion
Please login first.