Feeling down after split

[LippyLiz]

Me and H split up this week, it's been a long time coming due to his affair over last 6 months. I've been ok but these last couple of days I've felt emotional and end up in tears every so often. I ended it, know I'll be / am better off without him. I know my house is happier. I know I will no longer face the constant insecurity and mistrust issues which I largely kept to myself. I know all of this. It's still not helping me mourn the loss of what could've been, or the fact that I miss the old him at the moment. Knowing he's 'missing us' does not help either. Sorting out finances at mo which makes me feel sick.

Think I should improve when I'm back at work on Tuesday (I'm on annual leave) and back in a routine even though I don't feel like it.

[ImenjoyingThis]

you don't say how long you were together for, but let me tell you their is life after a relationship but be careful that your experiences don't make you too fussy, please go and enjoy yourself

[LippyLiz]

Together 14 years. I've been doing fine until this talk of splitting assets. I'm sure I'll feel better when I get back to work but at mo I just feel tired, lazy and emotional. Thanks for posting.

[Catty2016]

Know exactly how you feel since I am going through it too. Some days I feel so angry and strong and then others feel so low and deflated. You know you are better off without them but that doesn't make it any easier. I seem to take massive steps forward then something he does or says sets me back again.

[LippyLiz]

It's awful isn't it. Two days ago I could've gone out for a drink and gone dancing, but since these 2 emails about assets, I'm just miserable. I hate feeling like this. I'm looking forward to managing my own money and home (which I always did but we had joint money), I'm just remembering the good times and I miss them and at this moment I miss him but I know that'll get easier

[Catty2016]

Know exactly what you mean. There are days were I know I almost feel smug about how things have turned out. That I was able to stand up to him and say I have had enough of your crap. But then the next day can be so difficult.
I had one of those moments last weekend where I was feeling like I missed him. But after talking to a friend I realise I don't miss him. I miss what we once had. We were happy until 3 months ago. It was him that changed and became a complete monster. Why would I want to miss who his is now?

[LippyLiz]

For me it was 6 months ago when I found out he'd fallen for someone else and he said he needed space, which I gave him but he just kept coming back again and again but all the time he was getting physical with OW. He wanted his cake. I'm so emotionally tired. Today has been a bad day, I just start to cry and I've never felt like this before in my life. I just want to either wake up and I've gone back a year or wake up to find I've no feelings for him.

[Catty2016]

There is nothing wrong with a good cry. I know it's not easy but try to let it all out & then pick yourself back up again. Try to find something to do to take your mind off things even if it's only for 30 minutes. Do something you always wanted to do but never had a chance before. Call a friend or family and have good rant. I find doing that gets me angry again and then I don't feel so low.

[LippyLiz]

Thanks Catty. I'm going out for lunch tomorrow then back to work on Tuesday, so will be around people which is good for me. Things will get back to normal then I'm sure. Thanks again X

[SandyY2K]

Liz

It's natural to feel this way so early in the break up. Time is a healer, but for now just take it one day at a time.

[LippyLiz]

Thanks Sandy, I just wish there was a quick fix. I know there isn't.

[talesofthevillage]

Time is the thing that will help the most. Also rest, exercise and box sets. Plus wine/gin.

Unfortunately you know that this is the shitty part where your head is scrambled, you are mourning the end of the relationship and you are angry at his lies. This will pass. You will get through it, I promise.

[talesofthevillage]

And I know alcohol is a depressant so my wine/gin comment is only lighthearted. Be kind and good to yourself.

[LippyLiz]

(Un)Luckily for me, I can't drink due to antibiotics for tooth. I know this is the hard part, the really hard part.

[Cary2012]

You have to accept that it is a sad time, an awful time, and don't try to 'be brave'. Accept it and go with it.

I found friends, family and colleagues to be incredibly supportive. The only people I put a front on for were my elderly parents who were totally devastated by the break up. Ex, for more than 20 years was the son they never had. They were also terribly worried about me and their grand children, so I would try and be matter of fact and bright and breezy. I didn't lean on them emotionally, it would have been too much. It was terribly hard and exhausting.

The hard thing is that when you're at a low ebb you want to curl up and lick your wounds, but you also have to start being practical, sorting out the legal stuff, phoning up tax credits, sorting out a lawyer and all the paperwork that stuff involves.

So when you're at your most broken you have to be 'together' more than ever.

I have no advice expect treat yourself as you would your best friend. Acknowledge that the sadness is a phase and go with it. Force yourself to be sociable, even when you don't want to be. Lean on others.

Day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time. Small steps.

It gets better. Promise.

[LippyLiz]

Thanks Cary. I need words of wisdom right now. I don't care if they're all the same, I just need them X

[12hours]

Liz, I always think Sunday's are the worst days in these situations. It's like they are eerily silent and the day takes so long to go through! On the plus side, you might be an X-factor fan, so that will sort you out between 8 and 9 😊 There will be days when you just want to pull the quilt over your head and sleep through it, but those are the days you need to get up and put your best foot forward, as that will give you strength. Of course, you must also allow yourself tine to grieve and be sad, better to do that than bottle it up. Once you are back at work, as awful as the thought of it is right now, you will be back in your routine and that will be good for you. Just do whatever you want to do and when you want to do it. See friends and family when you want to, only make arrangements with friends that you know will be ok with you cancelling at the last minute because you can't face it. Eat well if you can and try to sleep. As pp said, one day at a time or even an hour at a time. You are strong, you can do this! The day is nearly down now and tomorrow is a new day. Take care of yourself and feel proud of yourself that you have removed yourself from a situation that is unhealthy for you. Xxx

[12hours]

Ps: just saw that you are also on anti-biocides which can also make you feel a bit down, so don't be hard on yourself. X

[12hours]

Biotics even, predictive text! 😄

[LippyLiz]

Thank you, I think the antibiotics are having an effect, I'm also tired, a little dizzy with blurred vision, all are side effects. I've only got tomorrow left but I don't want another day like this so tempted to stop them. I really don't need to feel like this. I had plans to declutter this weekend and although I spent a bit of time in the garden yesterday, all I've done is watch all my friends 'checking in' to pubs with their partners. It's not a good feeling.

[LippyLiz]

And yes X Factor coming up

[12hours]

Yes that f'ing Facebook is your enemy when you are feeling this way. Just remember, they might be checking into the pub but they could also be arguing across the table! Maybe do finish the course of tablets or the tooth pain could make you feel even worse. That is actually caring for yourself. The best laid plans and all that....you will declutter when you are ready, you don't really want to be coming across loads of reminders when you are feeling this way, so probably best you didn't do this today? Going into the garden was good, fresh air is good. If you can get out for your lunch with your friend tomorrow, if that's the only thing you do tomorrow, that will be a positive step for you and you will feel much better and stronger. Keep going! Only a couple of hours til bedtime. X

[Shayelle]

Hi Liz. My situation doesnt compare to yours but I ended things with my partner of 4 years a week ago and I'm also finding it painful.
We will get through this! x

[LippyLiz]

I can't wait for bedtime, fingers crossed for tomorrow!

Hi shayelle, sorry to hear you're going through this too. It's awful isn't it. When I made my decision which I had to for my own peace of mind, i didn't realise how bad i'd feel. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.

[Shayelle]

We will feel brighter tomorrow. Like a pp said sundays can be the worst and most stagnant day. Tomorrow will be better :) x

[RedMapleLeaf]

I remember this phase so well Part of me knew that time is a great healer, but another part of me couldn't imagine ever being in a better place.
Things that helped me:

• reading. I recommend reading about the change curve and the book I can mend your broken heart (cheesy title, but a very quick, informative and practical read).
  
• living 2 minutes at a time, then 15 minutes, then an hour... working through a daily to do list.
  
• learning about self-compassion. Sometimes this meant treating myself like a fun best friend, sometimes like a hurting sister and sometimes like a date .
  
• filling my life with positive moments. Even now, over a year on* I start my day with a couple of feel good songs.
  

* over a year ?! Did I really just write that?