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My story of being addicted to a man(6 Posts)
I don't even know where to begin.
I started going out with this man, who i'll call Simon, last year and I can only descbribe the relationship as one long fucked up mess.
If by sharing my experience gives just one person a lightbulb moment I will be happy.
I had worked with him for 5 years and I have learnt that just because you think you know someone through work, doesn't mean you know them at all. At work Simon was laid back, funny, always sharing innuendoes of funny parts of his life etc. He was married then, though for the latter couple of years things were breaking down (they had a son together) and he didn't speak of her in a good light. Knowing what I know now, she was probably sick of him and he was playing victim.
She was his 3rd wife and their son was his 5th child (his other children were grown up in their late teens to early 20s.)
I would describe Simon at the beginning of our relationship as extremely loving, very passionate (I've never experienced passion like it,) understanding of my emotional problems such as depression and anxiety, fun, and a breath of fresh air as i'd just come out of a marriage myself like he had. We fell in love really quickly.
Just writing this makes me cringe because now it all seems so text book and obvious. The emotional angst I have suffered since this has almost drove me to suicide. I can only describe it as being hooked or addicted to a person.
It wasn't long before Simon started to show his true colours but I was in too deep by then and couldn't let him go. He was extremely possessive, very controlling and he had me under some sort of emotional spell. The first time he hit me he was really sorry and said it would never happen again. I know i'm a fool.
At the time I was going through my divorce. My mum didn't like him, I guess she could see he was possessive. I was buying my own home as part of my divorce settlement (luckily I had the sence not to let Simon go in with me on the house as he had some money from his own break up/house sale.) Instead he was renting somewhere and sort of bullied me into moving in with me and my 2 children when the house went through in January by being all loving yet at the same time forceful in his words.
I was scared of him, I was walking on the most fragile eggshells you can imagine watching what I said. He was very touchy and the humour I thought he had when we worked together somehow disappeared. He wanted me all to himself, he put me above his own kids, which I didn't like because I think he wanted me to do the same. One day he came in the lounge and I was on the sofa with my kids hugging watching tv. He sat down, then walked out the room in a sulk because I hadn't made room for him on the sofa with kids.
He would use my past against me, asking odd questions about people I had been with intimately. In the end I made him believe anyone I had slept with had been in the dark, silent and rubbish just so he wouldn't get funny with me.
He would use my depression against me, making me think i was weak and needed looking after because i wasn't strong enough. Things i confided in him with at the beginning were now being used against me. He would constantly Gas Light me and i thought it was me going crazy.
At the same time as all of this, he was very attentive towards me, very helpful, good with my kids, loving.
He described his exes as neurotic, selfish, weird etc. It was never his fault, yet the stories of them leaving (one packed up in secret and left without telling him one day.) Red flags i know!
It was around February time where I started getting sick of it all though in a way I hadn't before. He used to make my mum feel uncomfortable when she came round, like she was taking my attention away from him. I had to phone him before work, after work, text constantely which was exhausting but if i didn't he would sulk or we would argue.
I think it was because I knew I had my home and he couldn't take it away from me which helped me to get a bit braver in little ways (normally I am a strong person which is why I don't recognise who I was.)
I had put on over a stone because he drank every night and he encouraged me to do the same. I decided to weigh myself one day and was so shocked in how much I had put on I decided I would see if the local area had a slimming world. When I told him about the group I had looked up, which would be for an hour on a Wednesday, he got funny and said I didn't need that and it would be taking away "our" time together.
Something in that made my head start to click and change and it really started to bother me that I couldn't even go to an hours group for myself without him getting funny (my children would have been at their dads.)
So instead of Slimming world I started helping myself by drinking water, not drinking, not eating sweets etc and soon found the weight falling off. I started decorating the house which he didn't like. One day he came home from work and I gave him a kiss then carried on painting. He went and sulked in the lounge because I hadn't stopped what I was doing to focus all my attention on him when he got home. But at this point, I almost didn't care and part of me wasn't scared of him leaving.
. I had started telling my mum a few things (she never know most of it) and advised me to just be me and stop pandering to his sulks. She said things will either improve or he will leave, either way it will be better than it is now. So I stopped pandering to him and he left, within DAYS. The thing is he didn't take all his stuff, like he was hoping I would run after him and he would just slip back in and rule the roost again.
He never moved back in but things didn't end there. Everyone thought it was over but it wasn't totally. I had got stronger and I did start getting myself back and decorating the house but the problem was I was still addicted to this person. He left in April and it took me until last week to get him out from under my skin.
Everything was weird when he first left. I would do things like walk around the house calling his name, then obviously when he didn't answer I would panic. Soon though I started getting used to him not being there, I got used going to bed alone, got used to watching the tv again (he rarely watched the tv and when I wanted to sit and watch it he would say I was ignoring him.) I actually enjoyed getting into a series again such as House of Cards. I'd sit and enjoy Sunday politics again like I always used to before him.
Then one day I started getting terrible pains in my side all weekend and bleeding. I went to A & E and it turned out I was pregnant (I think the condom failed because we never had unprotected sex.) I stayed in for 2 nights as it was ectopic and I was miscarrying. I was sent home to miscarry there.
The next couple of months were just a pattern of we would make up for a few days then fall out. I really wanted to be free of him, I hated myself for it. It was when the kids were at their dads and I would sit there and end up texting him like a drug addict needs a fix. He'd say at first we would see each other when I didn't have the kids (he hadn't seen my kids since he moved out as I don't want them mixed up in our fucked up mess of whatever it was at this point,) yet a couple of days in he would be getting shitty with me because he felt I hadn't stayed in touch enough and was trying to be too full on again. So we'd fall out then the cycle would start over again.
Each time it did though I would almost roll my eyes at it. I had learnt that actually by now he would come back at the drop of a hat, he didn't actually hold any power over me anymore. It got so pathetic it was almost ridiculas. I had learned how to get along without him, him leaving forced me to which was good. I realised I didn't actually need him for anything.
I got in touch with a couple of old friends and saw them on my weekend the kids were with their dad. It was the first weekend i hadn't contacted him, which to me felt like a breakthrough. Unfortunatly i caved that week and saw him twice then we fell out. HOWEVER, i haven't contacted him since. This weekend the kids are with their dad and I've spent it alone and haven't contacted him. I've enjoyed my own company. Last night i had a low moment (i have no more tears) but i fought it, read my book and went to sleep. I actually feel like he's out from under my skin.
I would describe him as "Mr Sensitive" from Lundy Bancrofts book "Why does he do that".
The thing is, from the outside he just looks like a normal, caring man. He has a full time job which he is good at and comes across very helpful and charming.
His family appear blinded by this, they thought i was neurotic. I dread to think what stories he's spun them. The never believed me and said he's done so much for me and say i'm evil.
I am sorry this is long. I needed to get it down and share it and i'm sorry for any spelling mistakes.
I saw this episode of Loose Women and it struck such a chord with me.
Well done on having the strength to end it. It is a really hard spell to break with a man like this. My ex was similar and I felt, very much, like you describe. He got totally under my skin in a way I'd not experienced before. Like you, I'd known my ex for years before we got together and I thought I knew him well and I thought what a great bloke he is. How wrong can you be!
I'm having counselling - loads of issues - but I mentioned a few things my ex did and straight away my counsellor said he's narcisstic and sounds awful. Why the hell I couldn't see it before I don't know.
My life is miles better without him in it and yours will be too. Don't give yourself a hard time for having a wobble last night. It's perfectly normal and the wobbles will be less and less. You stayed strong too and that is the hardest point.
I daresay writing it all down must be quite cathartic, hopefully it helped.
How are you feeling today?
Well done for getting out of that toxic relationship. Writing it down makes it all more real. Go back to your post if you feel a wobble, but you have definitely done the right thing.
NC is definitely the way forward. Onwards and upwards.
Youve described so well what my ex was like and how it is like something you need to go cold turkey on eventually! Well done for getting out. I did similar as in went back for a while but on my terms. He made me feel sick by the end of it cos I knew it was wrong and he was a very mentally unwell sick individual. Well done, it really gets better.
Very brave of you to share your story. I hope it helps someone else.
I hope you are out of the woods now, but I suspect you are still vulnerable, sadly. If you feel at a low point, text friends or come onto Mumsnet. For your own sake, do not contact him again and block all his access to you
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