Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
It can't just be me is it???(49 Posts)
I've never posted on here before but hopefully someone will be able to help me work through this
My DH has always been stressy and has a very stressful job (own business long hours but his own company and what he's always wanted to do)
Every so often we will have an episode ehere he is stressed and doesn't say anything til over something trivial he explodes and says all kinds of horrid things (which he later admits he doesn't mean, just says in heat of the moment)
Then afterwards he thinks nothing of it and carry a on as normal, but I always remember everything and can't help but worry about next time
We have 2 DC, 4 and 6 mths. Since no 1 it has been ocaddionslly stressful as I went part time at work and work a bit for DH company (something I've never done before and don't completely know what I'm doing but thought was doing ok, there are somethings outstanding but need him to help me with, but get told I can't do things and should get sacked, which might be better but I want to contribute and be part of it)
I like the house to be clean and tidy, washing done, home made food etc, so try my hardest to stay on top of things and usually do unless we have a bad day. The house has always been an issue that I get nagged about, DH does nothing but that's fair enough as he does long hours but I just wish I could mKe him see that looking after two children is a job in itself and can be hard, yes I get to go out and do stuff with them and take to groups etc, but I don't do anything for myself really and am always on 'duty'. He is mega stressed at the moment but bottles it all up and shouts about things like cleaning rather than talk about the problem, telling me I'm not organised and incapable of helping him by managing the house. There is now extra stress as relative has got to have emergency operation next week and is all uncertain til we know results of that
Trouble is anything I say goes on deaf ears or starts an argument. This morning resulted in him throwing things and breaking stuff, while I was BF little one and just before other one got up
The more I try and talk the more it's like putting fuel on the fire , it's like he needs to burst into tears and be told it's alright but that just isn't his style
I feel like I have turned into a doormat and just take any threats thrown at me, maybe I should have said years ago ok then I'll go when he threatens to leave, but I know ultimately that isn't what he'd want and when things get ok again it's all fine and he starts talking about next years holiday etc, as if nothing happened, plus we have two lovely children and are generally happy together, it's just that I'm the only person he lets see the cross side unless he's really on one, so can't get anyone else to tell him he's got things out of proportion without making him more angry about having told people his business
I know people may just say LTB, but that would be the worst thing at the moment with everything that is happening, I just need a way to get him to see things from my point if view that I am constantly looking after everyone, cleaning, tidying etc
After having DC2 things went back to normal overnight with me doing everything and probably too much, and if I ever asked for help I was told I wSnt coping, when actually I was Coping really well as my family is miles away
I think we could do with some kind of counselling, but he would never go, hates anyone else knowing his business, plus if no one else knows it's like it justified the explosions. A few years ago I called his bluff about divorcing and arranged to go somewhere earlier than planned in my own with dc1, then he said that by telling someone is made it 'real' as he didn't mean it was just ranting
I can't keep doing this but don't know what to do, I just wish I could have a conversation and make him see what I can see and he's being unreasonable and that I do try so hard to do everything,
I think you know that your partner is abusive and that you're walking on eggshells by trying to keep in everything in order as much as possible. You can't teach a person with little empathy to be more empathetic, in my experience.
Counselling for you to have a safe space would be a good place to start, but definitely not together.
He's abusive. Throw him out or leave him. I can imagine (in the nicest possible way) that you sort of know this already.
You're not his employee, you are supposed to be an equal in the relationship. He sounds horrible TBH.
This is what domestic abuse looks like: making you walk on eggshells to 'prevent' his behaviour. if he had a problem with 'anger management', it would be obvious to everyone. He doesn't treat other people the way he treats you because he knows it's wrong. His behaviour is controlling and violent.
Do you want to live the rest of your life with a man who makes you feel like this?
You can't 'make him understand' or it would have happened already
He sounds vile, I don't know how you've put up with him for so long
It is never advisable to get counselling with an abuser and why should you - you don't need someone else to tell you that this is an abusive relationship do you, not really?
OP, I feel for you I really do. I've wasted over 20 years of my life on a man exactly like this. Thinking I could change him, make him stop being horrible. I deeply regret not ending it sooner as the emotional impact on my DC cannot be undone. I have just ended it and he is moving out. Please see the light now before you waste your life on him. Look at what future you want to have, and if it involves him in it, but just being nice to you, then it is an unrealistic fantasy. Only he can change himself. He doesn't want to or see the need. You cannot fix him. Be brave and have the strength to leave or kick him out. Good luck.
My mother did this to my dad when I was a child... It's very frightening you don't know where you are of course I'm going to recommend LTB but you won't as everything is fine most of the time.
I wish my dad had scooped us up and left the house when she was in one of her moods, is there any way you could do that, stay away a couple of days?
He needs a short sharp shock. Don't say anything, just go, protect those kids and tell him you'll be back when he's calmed down, you are not prepared to be on the receiving end of this abuse. Stay strong, don't get into s conversation, just go
God this sounds like such a hard position to be in my lovely! He sounds quite scary if you ask me and it would be awful for the kids to see him in this light too... but I understand that u want to keep your family together, however I'm not sure if you can ever change his behaviours if he's not willing to get help together or on his own. It's easier for us to say 'u should leave him' but I get that's not a solution you're looking for. I think you need to try and get some distance which i know might be hard but you might find some clarity and it might open his eyes too. I also think u should not work for him and try to stand independently if you can to show him you ARE equal. But again this can no doubt be difficult too I'm sure. Remember u brought those babies into the world, you are strong and fierce and should not be used as a doormat!!!
He's either 1) an abusive wanker or 2) in the throes of a stress-related breakdown. A lot of what you describe suggests 1) but the tears and volatility say it could be 2)z
Only you and can work out which. But either way you need to tell him it can't continue as it is. It is making you utterly miserable and will damage the children.
IMO he should be told to leave and get some space, time off and ideally a good therapist, until he can get his moods under control.
Wow, that got a lot of response quickly!!
I really don't know what to do, I think deep down he knows he has a problem, and is embarrassed what he does, it's like a side of him that comes out 2% of the time and is horrible but the rest of the time isn't, I know if our 4 yr old behaved like he does he'd be horrified and I think I'm going to point that out and see what happens, he has a stress/anger problem and does do it to other people but perhaps not to such extreme, I usually manage the situation and turn it round later but it does seem to be worse. I'm still on maternity leave but didn't really have any from his company's stuff.
One main problem is communication
He's so worried about loads of stuff at the moment (like his DF operation etc,) it's not the time to do anything drastic, might try and ride it out for a bit, it's so close to Dc1 starting school etc too
He really does do all he does to make sure we are ok and look after us, in his strange way of thinking I think he really does think he's in the right
I just don't want to do anything too drastic at the moment as ultimately I don't think it's as bad as it seems, he knows deep down I do a good job looking after everyone and tells other people how good I am with the DC etc, just not me.....
I just wish he'd open up more and let me help him be a team rather than trying to manage everything and having to be in control
Time off is needed but impossible this time of year, things will calm down hopefully but there is a lot of uncertainty with business and operations etc, is very stressful time usually without any extras
We've had huge arguments in the past about now and got past them.
One thing is he never ever says sorry, it's just how he's built. He does other things out of character that I know is a form of admitting being in the wrong
Op, you're making excuses for him. He doesn't sound nice
I know people may just say LTB, but that would be the worst thing at the moment with everything that is happening, Happening for whom? Are you saying you won't leave a man who is abusive because it wouldn't be fair to do that to him?
I just need a way to get him to see things from my point if view That will never happen, partly because you are looking to see the reasons behind his behaviours and, the ones you can't take the blame for, you are finding excuses for.
What do you want the rest of your life to be like?
With everything that is happening with poorly family and school starting and I wouldn't want to give other family members any more stress than they already have
I posted on here to try and see if there was anyone who could empathise and give me advice, not have a go about what I do, it's easy to say just go but that is very drastic
I usually handle the situation but it all seemed to have come together at once and I needed to vent a bit, it feels like people think I'm stupid, I wouldn't have had a second child if it was that bad, I think the dynamics will change a bit more once they are older too
I can't be the only SAHM who feels taken for granted and unable to make people realise wgAt I do all day?
Ooh! I hope ypu didn't take my post as 'having a go' You sound as though you are reaching the far end of your tether. Not stupid at all, just used to finding ways to make your situation feel normal.
Your previous posts make so very many suggestions as to why he behaves as he does why his life is stressful, why he doesn't mean to do what he does/be like he is. You sound as though you are drowning in everyone elses needs.
That's why I said STOP!!!
STOP thinking about everyone else. Take some time for yourself and try to work out what you want to happen. When you know you might be able to find a real life way to make changes happen.
In the mean time, vent away! And, again, I am so sorry that my post made you feel anything negative or of your choice
Leave him. You'll have more time to yourself so you can actually have a life and won't have to walk on eggshells in your own home anymore.
What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours does this man meet re yourself?. Think about that very carefully. What do you think and feel about him when you look at him now?.
re your comments-
"Every so often we will have an episode where he is stressed and doesn't say anything til over something trivial he explodes and says all kinds of horrid things (which he later admits he doesn't mean, just says in heat of the moment)
Then afterwards he thinks nothing of it and carry a on as normal, but I always remember everything and can't help but worry about next time"
That is really the cycle of abuse being played out here. You're on edge waiting for him to kick off again, this is really a continuous cycle.
"Trouble is anything I say goes on deaf ears or starts an argument. This morning resulted in him throwing things and breaking stuff, while I was BF little one and just before other one got up"
Breaking stuff and throwing things amounts to domestic violence.
"I just wish he'd open up more and let me help him be a team rather than trying to manage everything and having to be in control"
That will never happen. You need to get away from this man before he really does ruin your life along with your children's childhoods. They cannot afford to grow up in a home where violence be it verbal or throwing things is just beneath the surface. You have likely modified your own behaviours over time so as to try not to antagonise him. He sees you as a domestic appliance; he does not value you or any opinions you have. He feels entitled to act like this and feels he is doing nothing wrong here. Look at his parents; what sort of an example did they set him, he in all likelihood learnt this from his upbringing.
Your eldest child will now notice all of this at home and perhaps even worse blame his/her own self. Your youngest will soon pick up on all the vibes as well.
It is not your fault your DH has decided to conduct his own private war against you; this man is out and out abusive towards you. This is really as bad as it seems.
Do not minimise this from him any more, you are doing that anyway because you have basically become conditioned to his abuses of you. Abusers are not nasty all the time to their chosen victims and they can also be very plausible to those in the outside world. He never apologies nor accepts any real responsibility for his actions does he?. What you have done and tried is not working and the dynamics as your children get older will change, it will become worse for them. What do you want to teach them about relationships here; that their dad abuses their mother and there is no consequence for his actions towards her?.
Abuse is about having power anc control, it is not about a lack of communication. If discussion and compromise could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. The victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.
Womens Aid are well worth talking to and they can and will help you here. 0808 2000 247 is their number and I would urge you to call it.
I can't be the only SAHM who feels taken for granted and unable to make people realise wgAt I do all day?
You're not, but his refusal to see how much you do and his insistence that you're 'not coping' if you have a bad day with the kids and things aren't quite 'up to scratch' is far from normal.
I think the only way you have a hope in hell of changing the things you don't like in your marriage is to get some counselling (or do the Freedom Programme) so you can reaffirm what a healthy relationship looks like.
Once you've done that and established firm boundaries in your own mind for what is acceptable to you within your marriage you can attempt to communicate that to him. Whether he will listen is another question but the idea is to get it clear in your own mind (difficult to do without the help of counselling whilst you're in the middle of it all) and, hopefully, get strong enough to walk away if he refuses to meet your (very reasonable) expectations of a mutually respectful relationship.
I don't think you can just carry on as you are though OP, aside from what it must be doing to you to have to walk on eggshells all the time what damage is it doing to your DC's view of how relationships should work?
If you Google the Freedom Programme there's a search facility to find a course in your area and it can really help you sort out in your own mind what's ok and what's not in a healthy relationship, which in turn can give you the strength to make a stand about what you're prepared to accept within your own marriage.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.