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Boyfriend is stalking his ex

(100 Posts)
toogoodtobepoo Sun 28-Aug-16 12:07:06

I felt like I needed to name change for this one. Sorry this is long.

I found out something awful about my lovely, lovely boyfriend and I can't get my head round it. I can't face talking to anyone in real life.

For what it's worth I'll give the background first. We've been together 2 years. He moved in three months ago. It's been wonderful, and I'm not looking at that with rose tinted glasses. It really has. He's considerate, so loving and affectionate. Yeah we have our rows but we've both come from shit marriages and we always talk everything through and we support each other with everything. My hard-to-please family thinks he's amazing. My friends all think I'm so lucky. Most importantly he loves my 4-year-old DD and she loves him. I honestly have been so inlove and happy. But it was just too good to be true.

When we met, we were both separated - him for 6 months and me for 12. We were both pretty bruised. He'd found his ex sleeping with someone else. She had a child (not his) so he left and continued to pay the mortgage (she couldn't afford it, his name on mortgage etc). In the end, he, his friends and family had all come to the conclusion that she hadn't really loved him and broke up with him as soon as they bought the house shortly after they were married. I knew he had become was very bitter and hurt but I thought he was over it.

But about a week ago we were driving while on a weekend away and we wanted to look up somewhere to stop on the way. My phone was dead so I reached for his phone to use Google. His reaction was really bizarre. He pulled over and started waffling and took his phone off me and I knew he was trying to prevent me from looking at his phone.

For the first time ever I was suspicious and the next day I got an opportunity to look at his phone. I was dreading finding messages to a girl but instead what I found was really strange and I couldn't work it out at first.

Basically, when he and his wife split, he set up a FB profile using some of her pictures but with a different name. He's sent hundreds of message to girls from this profile, telling them they're beautiful and stunning and basically propositioning them. As her.

I had it out with him. He said it's been a form of revenge. At first, everytime she was horrible to him he did it to get back at her, he wants to sully her reputation as it was always so important to her.

From the dates on the messages, he was really active 2.5 years ago and is less so since then. But every few months, he's been logging in and sending the messages again. The last time was last month.

He said now every time he's alone or bored or feeling bad he does it. He said it's like a bad habit he can't break. He said he would do anything to prove to me that he isn't obsessed with her and he loves me and DD and doesn't want to lose us. He's deleted the sick account and has made an appointment with a counsellor for Tuesday. He let me look through his entire phone.

I told him to leave and he has but he wants to try and work things out. I just think it mustn't have been real if was still thinking about her so much even if it was bad. And even though I have no love lost for this woman, I can't believe he would do this. And he could have got into trouble too. All for revenge??

I really miss him and feel so so so so so so sad. But it's just so weird. I don't understand how he could do this and why.

MoreCoffeeNow Sun 28-Aug-16 12:09:58

Too creepy to stay with. Could be your turn next.

toogoodtobepoo Sun 28-Aug-16 12:13:10

I know. I just don't think I can get past it. I can't believe it has come to this. All our plans and our lovely home we've made. And it's been thrown away.

ElspethFlashman Sun 28-Aug-16 12:14:06

You've gotten a glimpse into his innermost heart and its a cold vengeful place. Beware.

ThatStewie Sun 28-Aug-16 12:18:04

A man who does this isn't a good partner or father to children. He's deliberately setting out to destroy his ex-girlfriend because he believes he has the right to publicly shame her. Do you really want a man who believes women deserve to be punished around your DD?

SleepFreeZone Sun 28-Aug-16 12:18:27

Terrifying. Not so much that he was vengeful initially but the fact that he is still doing it 2.5 years later when they no longer have any ties. Is he still paying the mortgage on the property she is living in? Assuming he isn't then he has no reason to still be trying to hurt her unless he is still in love with her of course 😕

Mintychoc1 Sun 28-Aug-16 12:18:56

It's weird and nasty but if he's prepared to have counselling to sort out these abnormal revenge thoughts, and he can prove that it's you he really loves, then I could get past this. Give yourself a bit more time to think about it.

CalmItKermitt Sun 28-Aug-16 12:20:31

He's a creepy weirdo! You've dodged a bullet there. Ugh.

magoria Sun 28-Aug-16 12:22:07

You think his ex didn't love him and basically they split up very soon after buying together. Is this his story?

Three months after moving in with you you find out he is a crazy, stalker harassing wierdo.

There is a common person here and it is not you or her. I would be very careful as you have a child too.

LovePGtipsMonkey Sun 28-Aug-16 12:23:19

I wouldn't be sp harsh as to paint his whole character as bad! FWIW he never sent insults or anything scary but complimented these women on her behalf - weird obviously but not black or evil. I think it's much more his reaction to a traumatic event, a bit like post traumatic stress disorder that became a compulsive habit - out of hand!

I really don't that it's 'who he is' and as he's very willing to go for therapy, he must see it as a mental disorder (similar to OCD). I would definitely give him a chance with the therapy, see how it goes. His mistake is not tackling it earlier - probably as he was ashamed.

stitchglitched Sun 28-Aug-16 12:24:10

I wouldn't want this hateful prick anywhere near my daughter. He's no different to any other nasty misogynist who uses the internet to harass and abuse women and he has been keeping up his hate campaign for over 2 years. Kick him out.

toogoodtobepoo Sun 28-Aug-16 12:26:31

I've been thinking all the things that have been said in all your comments. But I can't tell you just how completely the opposite he has been.

I think "he must still love her" but then I think it's not possible because I KNOW he loves me.

Then I think he must be hiding his true nasty dickhead self but one of the things I've loved about him is his kindness and I know it's not just a show, I know his mates think of him as one of th enicest people you could meet.

Then I think "he's a secret woman-hater" but he's so tolerant and staunch about equal opportunities in everything, that doesn't make sense either.

I think that's why I am finding this so heartbreaking, because you know, when you love people, you know what their faults are and their traits but you love them anyway. I loved my EX but when he cheated, I could see he was someone who might have done that. But now, I just can't fathom why HE has done THIS. it just makes no sense

LovePGtipsMonkey Sun 28-Aug-16 12:27:12

Sorry but how would this 'destroy' the ex? Presumable these people don't know her at all and probably have completely ignored it. She has another real account, and if she had any trouble for the last 2 yrs with this, she would have found this account and reported it. It's not like this account portrays her as an escort.
Yes it's still weird but it's been tailing off and now he's off to therapy which should deal with the issues.

toogoodtobepoo Sun 28-Aug-16 12:29:53

I don't know PG. I think as far as revenge methods go its pretty abstract

stitchglitched Sun 28-Aug-16 12:31:40

Many men are 'staunch about equal opportunities' until it becomes about a particular woman who they feel has wronged them and that woman then becomes fair game. I'm sure he'll say 'but I'd never do that to YOU.' Not good enough, I'd want a man who'd never do that to anyone.

TurnipCake Sun 28-Aug-16 12:32:12

Fecking hell, OP, what a horrible shock to you.

He can 'work himself out' on his own time, but it sure as hell wouldn't be on mine.

FreeFromHarm Sun 28-Aug-16 12:33:21

His behaviour is alarming, you have done the right thing for yourself and your dd

SkydivingFerret Sun 28-Aug-16 12:33:52

Well it's not even just his ex either is it? He's sending unwanted (i presume) harassing messages to random women. It doesn't matter if he's complimenting them (like they should be grateful or something, pp), it's unwanted sexual contact and he sounds like a slimeball

stitchglitched Sun 28-Aug-16 12:35:26

This man has been stalking and harassing another woman on the internet, wanting to 'sully' her reputation. The OP has only been living with with him 3 months and has a young child to consider. Yet some are bending over backwards to defend and excuse him. What exactly does a bloke have to do to deserve being dumped?

ThatStewie Sun 28-Aug-16 12:35:52

LovePGtipsMonkey Thankfully, the law disagrees with you. If this were reported to the police, he would be prosecuted for stalking and harassment. It comes with a 5 year sentence.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Aug-16 12:37:24

Ugh, what a creep

You are seriously considering letting this man stay around your daughter ? shock

stitchglitched Sun 28-Aug-16 12:37:38

Yes good point about the other women also being sexually harassed.

toogoodtobepoo Sun 28-Aug-16 12:42:24

I don't know what I'm considering. I told him to leave because I found what he did repulsive. But I'm having trouble figuring it all out because I feel like the rugs been pulled from under me and I feel lost.

I don't need shocked faces

Thank you to those that have been supportive

ElspethFlashman Sun 28-Aug-16 12:42:54

So even moving in with you didnt stop him doing it? Which means that had you not looked at his phone and confronted him he would be doing it indefinately?

This is about humiliation. He is basically portraying his ex wife as a whore all over FB. Contacting randoms with offers of sex. God knows if she has found out about it or not, but you can be damn sure that he would have found great satisfaction if one of these other people started harrassing her.

So for all you think you know about his good and bad points, you are wrong. Cos you didnt know about this darkness.

He will be minimising it and downplaying it and weeping and begging and making you think you are over reacting and oh theres the whole counsellor thing (God knows how much he'll choose to reveal there, quite possibly none of the FB stuff at all).

It should make you wonder if you have heard the 100% truth about his break up. I doubt it, strongly.

PacificOcean Sun 28-Aug-16 12:42:56

I'm on the fence with this one. It is very weird behaviour, but I think it might just come under the 'he's done something very stupid' category rather than an immediate LTB. Am I right in thinking he didn't cause any real trouble for his ex - it was just a (strange) method of making himself feel better?

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