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Help me put this into perspective

(13 Posts)
justnodandsmile Sun 28-Aug-16 07:30:52

So, I've recently discovered that my husband has been meeting up with a junior (female, younger and very attractive) after work and for lunches during the working day. He says it occurred 'several times a week' when he would take her out for meals or drinks after working late. He also saw her twice on a Saturday. He paid. This was back at the beginning of the year, lasted about 3/4 months and now appears to have fizzled out after I discovered a couple of months back that he had bought her a birthday gift. At that time I knew nothing about her, just that he had bought a random woman at work a birthday gift - I assumed he was having an affair, he denied it (and didn't tell me about any of these secret meetings) I told him that I wanted a divorce anyway because it is such a terrible relationship that it didn't matter whether or not he had actually had an affair. He talked me round and we agreed he could have 6 months to prove to me that he could change and our relationship would improve. It had, we had been having a much better time, spending time with each other without our kids and generally being closer and happy. This has never happened before in our 12 years of marriage. I discovered the secret meetings a couple of days ago after seeing his work emails, they clearly had an inappropriately close relationship but there is nothing sexual in the messages he sent to her but lots of her encouraging him to see her, arrangements being made, mildly flirty banter and her getting upset when the tone of the relationship appears to change back to work related after I found out. He tells me that there was no sexual attraction, that it was a platonic friendship which he used to discuss our relationship problems. He says he was too scared to tell me about his friendship with her because we were having a bad time, I was cold and talking about divorce. This is true, I was miserable with my crap husband and shit marriage.
He spent money, time and affection with this woman when I was at home miserable because he never showed me any respect, attention or affection and told me frequently that we didn't have the money to buy/do things. He apparently used this time with her to discuss our relationship. He would never take me out and everything we did needed to be organised by me or we would do nothing. He would go out with her in the evenings, and come home to me without telling me where he had been, letting me assume he had been at work.
We have two small children, a house that is being renovated and he has a very stressful, well paid job. Life was tricky for him and this was obviously some sort of escapism.
So now I have left, but he is begging for me to go back and work things out. He's saying all the right things to try and make me hopeful for the future. He says it wasn't an affair, but that he sees the mistakes he's made professionally ( he's her boss) and personally. He says it was about her helping him to get our relationship on track and being a sounding board- but I can't believe this- he could have spent the time and money with me if he actually wanted to save our marriage.
Leaving will be really difficult financially as well as personally and things had improved so much before I found the emails. I've spoken to one friend about it who things I should go home, kick him out and get marriage coinciding whilst we are separated. I can't see how I can trust him ever again and therefore how I can move forward, but I can't see me living without him either. What would you do?

justnodandsmile Sun 28-Aug-16 07:40:38

I should maybe add that the needing friendship element is possibly true- he doesn't have any friends (literally no one) and has always got on better with women than men. Sorry for the length of the post!

OurBlanche Sun 28-Aug-16 12:34:20

So we know what he wants, we know how much the poor man has struggled, had difficulties... what do you want?

Not what is practical... what do you want to happen?

Me? I think if my DH had emotionally abandoned me and found female solace elsewhere I'd be telling him that he could take his Poor Billy No Mates self elsewhere. I would never be able to trust or rely on him again, so what relationship would I have?

ICESTAR Sun 28-Aug-16 12:41:50

At the very least, this was an emotional affair. Who puts that much time, effort and money into someone else when they have a partner? Plus he kept it secret. If it wasn't a problem, he would have said it. And that time he spent on her, he neglected you and your needs and your children's needs. He spent family money on her? I think you are right not to be able to trust him again. If I were you, I would stay gone. He is just the familiar. It's scary a new life but it won't be a bad life. You will meet someone one day who will only be into you xxxx until then enjoy your life and your children xx good luck.

Cabrinha Sun 28-Aug-16 12:44:06

Well he's an embarrassing cliché, isn't he?
His young female direct report? Ugh.
Embarrassing and unprofessional.

She was helping him to sort out your marriage? Yes, with all her life experience of long relationships and their troubles.

Funny how these advice sessions weren't with a male colleague his own age, a lesbian colleague ten years his senior... etc etc.

Look, some people stay and survive affairs. But from my reading on here, the ones that do, have complete honesty.

So I am certain that whilst he is still trying to spin you this bullshit about a younger woman giving him help (come on, are you not just hollow laughing at that?) he is nowhere near accepting what he did and making amends.

justnodandsmile Sun 28-Aug-16 18:27:16

You're all right of course, thank you for your inputs. It is what I needed to hear. X

tallwivglasses Sun 28-Aug-16 18:49:05

Nah. Life's too short. I wonder if there's any other secrets he's too chickenshit to tell you about...

12hours Sun 28-Aug-16 18:57:39

I think you already have it in perspective, you just need confirmation and here it is. He is a bastard. Very easy to say now he was looking for solace and advice about your relationship. He should have spent that time and money trying to fix it with you. I am going through something similar, H chasing someone much younger. Haven't told him I know yet as I am getting evidence together so he can't talk me round. You sound like a lovely person, you deserve better than that. Take care and just think about what you want. As someone earlier said, don't stay just because it's practical. You will live your life looking over your shoulder.

angryangryyoungwoman Sun 28-Aug-16 19:00:05

I would say it's too little, too late and move on. You deserve more than to be treated like this

Cabrinha Sun 28-Aug-16 19:29:31

I wouldn't be able to resist asking her exactly what her advice was.
(I don't suggest you do this!)
His reply would be laughable.

Betaday Sun 28-Aug-16 19:35:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Betaday Sun 28-Aug-16 19:36:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Betaday Sun 28-Aug-16 19:38:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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