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Emotional infidelity? Do we break up?

(58 Posts)
Jam29 Sun 28-Aug-16 00:07:43

I'll try and be as concise as I can.
I've been with OH for 14yrs, married for 10 and 5&6 yr old boys.
In 2008 two years after marriage I found he'd posted a pic on an adult meeting website and his bank statement with money going to a couple of dubious websites. I was gutted but he swore it was nothing more than
Fast forward to 2015 where I caught him chatting to an unknown person on whatsapp and he hurriedly shut his phone down. I confronted him the next day and he said it was a woman from work (she works in a different country and sees her rarely) and said that he didn't want me to see as she puts kisses at the end of messages and he does the same.

In May I had a mind meltdown and ended up on antidepressants. I'm sure jealousy was partly to blame as OH had been spending a lot of time in the pub and there are some real tarts working in there and I'd convinced myself something was going on. Even a regular had asked OH if there was something between him and one of the barmaids. There isn't, I'm sure of that but it was his emotional intimacy with the staff which shook me.

Fast forward to three days ago where I looked over his shoulder when he wasn't looking and saw he was chatting to on whatsapp with the name 'Carl'. We were in the airport coming back from holiday when this happened. He hurriedly turned his phone off. I felt sick the whole flight home.
I confronted him two days ago about his scurrying around with his phone and asked who he was talking to. He said this woman from work again. He knew I didn't buy it. I said so who is Carla?
He told me all (Or perhaps not). He told me her name and said he met her through Ashley Madison 14 months ago and swore that it was just chat and it was obvious that nothing was going to happen between them. But he met her for a coffee once anyway and has been chatting in a totally non sexual way, and I do believe that. He swore on our kids lives that they haven't kissed or anything and that it's a purely platonic thing.
I said it is heart breaking that he shares things with this other woman and he said he only talks trivial things and she does most of the emotional offloading about her life. He said he felt guilty when he told her something personal about our life.
He also confessed that this woman from work when he visited the other country made a pass at him and he reciprocated the kiss. He said he felt like a real shit as this woman after that event has been in our house (with another male colleague) when they visited the UK.

We've done so much crying the last two days. Lots of talking between us. He loves me so much, and I'm certain of that, and I love him. We are sleeping in separate rooms. He asks if we can go to counselling. I said I don't know right now as I am very raw with all this.

I don't want to tear up our family and it would destroy our 6 year old, he has emotional issues, but I can't stay just for the children.

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so raw right now. Please help me.x

BittyWanter Sun 28-Aug-16 00:09:49

Get his phone off him now.

Try and get all the facts before making any decisions.

Kirk123 Sun 28-Aug-16 00:27:30

No you can't stay for the kids, my parents did that and it was awful ,dad left when I was 16 anyhow ! I agree with bitty get the true facts as they will lie , ring the woman abroad you need the truth op , as he may keep doing this and after a 31 yr marriage which I found out about 2 emotional affairs he did it for real this time with ow! Total bastard a changed man I am well rid ! Just breathe get the facts but also get your ducks in a row , good luck xxx

loveachinky13 Sun 28-Aug-16 01:02:35

You need to sneak that phone and have a look for yourself and if you don't get the chance to do that, just ask him to lend it and if he doesn't let you on it surely that's dodgy. X

Anbelmum Sun 28-Aug-16 01:14:28

Sorry but someone who loves you wouldn't do this to you. If you can't sneak the phone away to see for yourself then demand to see it. If he won't let you then you've got your answer as it would be pretty easy to work out what's been going on. I really feel for you, I hope you are ok.

whataloadofrubbish Sun 28-Aug-16 01:21:39

If he had joined Ashley Madison then he's been cheating. He therefore doesn't love you. He's crying because he got caught. Check bank statements for clues and phone records.
I presume you only know the tip of this iceberg. Do not be fooled.

EttaJ Sun 28-Aug-16 01:30:21

He doesn't love you enough to be faithful. To not drive you to a breakdown. You deserve SO much better than this. Get out now. He will suck the life out of you OP. I'm so sorry 💐

WhisperingLoudly Sun 28-Aug-16 01:47:24

He's cheating on you. And lying.

I'm sorry but you can't possibly believe his bullshit.

BlueFolly Sun 28-Aug-16 01:50:17

Platonic? Really?

AppleMagic Sun 28-Aug-16 02:06:57

I'm sorry but deep down you must know that at least some of these episodes have involved physically cheating.

maras2 Sun 28-Aug-16 02:29:40

So sorry jam but anyone who swears on anyone's lives is a lying bastard.

Helloooooooo Sun 28-Aug-16 04:02:24

Don't believe a word he says.

Even if it is true, he can't chat to a woman he met on Ashley Madison and think that's ok.

HappyJanuary Sun 28-Aug-16 05:17:59

I am almost always on the fence with posts like these. My advice is usually to take your time while you decide what to do, and that its okay to decide to work through it with counselling.

But here is my first ever LTB. He has repeatedly cheated, certainly emotionally and probably physically, for years of your marriage. He has sought out these encounters and lied to you time and again. He won't change, he can't, it's something he needs and is part of who he is.

Forgiving him means a lifetime of anxiety for you, but he will convincingly say and do anything to get you to do just that because he doesn't want to lose his comfortable family life, for everyone to know what he's done. He is only sorry he's been caught and will get better at hiding it. He will do this for the rest of your marriage or until he meets someone he's willing to leave you for.

You and your DC are worth more. Show him he's made a mistake thinking you'd forgive him anything and LTB.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Sun 28-Aug-16 05:23:59

OP, he met this woman on Ashley Madison, a website designed to let married people meet others for discreet "fun", it's not a support group ffs! He's taking the piss, and you know it.

I also agree that you need that phone, take it whilst he has sleeping and look at it thoroughly, checking for hidden apps too.

I'm sorry for you and your boys x

SickInBedOnTwoChairs Sun 28-Aug-16 05:46:31

No way would I stay with him. He doesn't even begin to have any loyalty to you and as you want and need loyalty, get him gone. I agree with others you are seeing probably 1% of the truth. Have some dignity. Don't go scrabbling after his phone. Walk away. You tried, he did not. It really is as simple as that. After the divorce, I guarantee a lot of people with come forward with information that will make you realise you made the right decision.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 28-Aug-16 06:32:45

He deliberately set out to meet women behind your back. The Ashley Madison website? Famous for coffee-meeting and chats in a totally non-sexual way?

How on earth is he explaining this to you?

MsMims Sun 28-Aug-16 08:41:35

'We' have been crying? hmm

What the hell does he have to cry about? He certainly isn't crying about your relationship. It's not like this is all came out in a heartfelt attack of guilt. You caught him out or he'd be merrily still at it.

Livelovebehappy Sun 28-Aug-16 09:36:23

If it was an isolated incident, then you could have given him the benefit of the doubt, but as there appear to have been multiple occasions over the last few years, it does seem as if he is 'trying' to cheat, but is either getting knocked back, or nothing is materialising on the websites. He is going for damage limitation, and is coming up with as little as he needs to to justify what you have found out. He will be found out eventually, as he seems to be pretty careless about leaving bits of information around. I do think though that even if he is telling the truth and nothing sexual has happened, that the fact he is putting himself in these situations shows he is behaving inappropriately. It's time to get firm with him and tell him he is in last chance territory - anything else and his bags are packed and he is out.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 28-Aug-16 09:47:52

What on earth makes anyone think that this desperate cheat has never had sex with any of these women he meets?

Livelovebehappy Sun 28-Aug-16 10:08:09

He might have Helmet, but he ain't admitting to anything, so without concrete proof, OP is never going to know.

12hours Sun 28-Aug-16 10:15:32

Similar thing happening to me. I am ending it soon. Don't want to spend the rest of my life checking phones, Internet and emails. Good luck.

AssamAssa Sun 28-Aug-16 10:18:39

If he's serious about fixing this he needs to surrender his phone to you.
Take your time & trust your gut on any suspicions flowers

SirKillalot Sun 28-Aug-16 10:53:49

He's been cheating for 8 years and he's on Ashley Madison which means he is actively looking to have an affair. You aren't breaking up your family, he is. Please stop believing his bullshit.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 28-Aug-16 10:54:04

She doesn't need concrete proof - she may need to realise that repeatedly going on sex websites for married people/meeting up with them/'kissing' colleagues are not 'emotional infidelity'

SirKillalot Sun 28-Aug-16 11:21:42

I don't believe a word that it's only emotional. He's cheating right under your nose.

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