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Shooting myself in both feet

(7 Posts)
Bestofthebest Sat 27-Aug-16 17:16:41

Hi. I mentioned before I'm a man, albeit I have a toddler niece who is teaching me how to be a good uncle. I say this because I won't post if people don't want me to based on not being a mum/parent.
Anyway I'm a relatively shy single man in my very late 30s. I have a little experience of relationships but not much. I have got friendly with a female colleague recently in a purely platonic way and she was asking me about this. For once I was honest and told her I'm not very confident and don't know how I come across. I really made a big effort with colleagues when I started at my current workplace 18 months ago. My friend said she thought I was really excellent at putting people at their ease, but this could in some ways be working against me in terms of flirting or starting a relationship. I suppose she is saying that making someone feel secure is good but too secure and you lack the edge necessary to create attraction. About 60% of me thinks this is PUA style drivel and I should just start telling some of the women I fancy the truth and lose my ego. But I'm not sure. Wonder if you've any thoughts?

ButIbeingpoor Sat 27-Aug-16 23:30:11

What are you looking for,*Best*? Advice on how to attract women? If so, I'd suggest asking someone out for a drink/coffee and see if you click.
Making yourself attractive is quite a subjective thing. For me: good grooming is essential, nice clothes ( not necessarily trendy) and polished shoes. My ideal date is a good listener and engages in the conversation. Eye contact and a smile is nice too.
Being 'edgy' doesn't do it for me. Neither do I wish to feign interest in your stamp collection. Just be yourself.
Best of luck!

Iflyaway Sat 27-Aug-16 23:44:49

You sound lovely.

But shy too and that's o.k.

However, just cos someone tells you - My friend said she thought I was really excellent at putting people at their ease, but this could in some ways be working against me in terms of flirting or starting a relationship.

is only her opinion.

Putting someone at ease is the best way into friendships and relationships.

Random flirting can be off-putting anyway. Comes across as shallow so she is talking shit

There is obviously a deeper reason you are in this situation. I would look at your upbringing and family of origin. Lots of stuff to google about it.

Check it all out before you waste money on a crap counsellor...

Good luck.

HeddaGarbled Sat 27-Aug-16 23:53:46

I think the problem is your "some of the women I fancy" approach, like you scatter gun your attentions in the hope of hitting a target. No one wants to feel like they are just one of many who would do.

You need to stop seeing the women in your workplace as this mass pool of potential partners. Some will already be in relationships but don't ignore them as they can still be friends and allies. Some you won't fancy but don't ignore them as they can still be friends and allies. Women are people too, not just potential sexual partners for you.

Relax, stop trying to choose the best "approach", be yourself. Get to know your colleagues as individuals. Then, if you meet one that you really, really like, ask her out.

Do you meet women outside work? The workplace isn't always the best place to meet potential partners. It can be a bit predatory and unprofessional to use the workplace as your hunting ground. You can relate to female colleagues as fellow professionals and do your hunting elsewhere e.g. on line dating, social networks, leisure activities.

Bestofthebest Sun 28-Aug-16 06:37:35

I'm grateful to all that was written above. In answer to some of the points it is hard to meet people outside work when you are working 60 hours a week plus commuting time. And I have a significant London area mortgage and a job that I wouldn't get in any other geographic area which is a bit of a bind. I don't want to come across as predatory at all and doubt I do. I didn't have it easy when younger due to having to step into my father's shoes when he died and I was expected to help my sister and mother, which involved me not leaving home until I was 30, hence very emotionally inexperienced. It has been a hard, hard road since and understandably people don't tend to make too many allowances.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 28-Aug-16 06:45:09

All women, like all men, are different. I don't think there's any advice that will suit everyone. For me, my partner is my best friend. I want someone I have lots in common with. I want someone I can relax completely with and while away the hours at the pub/in front of the tv/anywhere. I think there are women who view a partner as someone outside their friendship group. Like women are for being friends with yet they need a partner (I know someone like this). Maybe your friend falls into this category hence her advice? For others though, like myself, your ability to put them at ease and engage their minds in a fun conversation will be just the thing. The trick is finding a person who is a good match for you - not changing yourself to suit a "type" that may not even exist.

pallasathena Sun 28-Aug-16 07:04:17

Best advice is to be yourself. You come over as a decent, hardworking, sensitive, caring and grounded person who is perhaps just lacking a little self confidence when it comes to romantic relationships.
I would suggest that finding this type of relationship through work can be a bit tricky - what if there's a cooling off or a falling out - you still have to work in the same place, you still have to pay that mortgage...
You could instead, maybe think about joining a weekend group of some sort. There are so many in your part of the world: walking groups, dinner clubs, painting groups, golf, cycling, art appreciation...the list is endless! A hobby or interest will automatically link you with like minded people and its a space where relationships can blossom naturally and organically, unlike the often hot house climate of a work environment.
Something to consider perhaps.

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