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Think I would leave him if not for baby...(6 Posts)
I haven't posted here or anywhere on MN before but don't have anyone I can talk to in person about this so am really hoping for some advice or support please xx
To give just a quick bit of background, I spent a lot of time in my late teens/20s pretty messed up-I was self harming, anorexic, had depression and had only had one boyfriend before meeting my now husband five years ago. It was a messy relationship to begin with, we broke up twice and lots of my friends were very against us getting back together, feeling that he wasn't right for me and warning me I'd be unhappy (of course at the time I didn't listen to them). I was just so so happy to have found someone who loved me and told me I was special and beautiful and who wanted to be with me, and at the time I was absolutely crazy about him. Anyway it was a roller coaster of break ups and make ups followed by an engagement, marriage and baby all within a short time. Fast forward to now, our little girl is 11 months old and I am completely miserable. He tries so hard to be a good dad and is brilliant with her most of the time and he's also so good to me, but since she came along I'm seeing more and more flashes of a nasty temper (like calling her a f*cking little b*tch when she was tiny and wouldn't stop crying, saying he wishes he'd never got married etc). I'm equally as tired and sleep deprived so I know I probably say nasty things too (but never ever to our baby) and I also think I have PND which makes me really hard to live with in fairness. But there is also the fact that he can be quite sharp and mean to others but doesn't recognise it as being mean, saying instead that they are too sensitive. The thing is I think those traits were always there but I made excuses for them and for him as I just wanted to be loved so much, I never thought anyone would love me like he did/does. But after all these years and especially since becoming a mum, I've grown in confidence and am not the same person I was when we first met. But I'm so so afraid. My little girl needs her daddy and he is a wonderful father (the swearing etc has only been a handful of times, so maybe I'm overplaying it) and he tries so hard to take care of me, always looking after me, telling me to take a break etc. Plus he works super long hours as well as being on call too. But I can't stop these niggling doubts about it and genuinely am starting to think if it wasn't for our daughter I would walk away. Am I only seeing the nastiness because we're tired and still adjusting to new parenthood? Am I just looking for an excuse? I'm not even looking for answers to this but just know it would devastate him to say I wanted out, yet feel completely and utterly trapped and don't know what to do. Thank you for reading, I didn't mean to write such a long post!
Him being devastated should not be part of your decision making process. He has been very nasty, aggressive and verbally abusive over a long period of time and spoiled for you what should be a special time in your life.
Swearing that you to a tiny baby is just shocking and makes me wonder how good is his self control when angry...a one second shake can cause brain damage and is not inconceivable with a person like this. I do consider this to be a real safeguarding risk.
Have you talked to him or are you afraid of his reaction? If you have anywhere you can go to create some thinking space I would try that to clear your head. It's very possible to leave and live well. A life of fear for you both is far worse than being single. Get RL support, do not lie to cover up for him and ensure safety for you both. You deserve it.
Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time to write. I did insinuate early on that I was concerned about him shaking her if he was going to get so angry when she was crying and he was so offended, said he'd never ever do that and then got annoyed that I don't trust him! But it's absolutely something that I'd thought about, and added to the worry I've felt. I should say, we have had 11 months of constant lack of sleep, she's incredibly difficult to settle and will often be up 8, 10 times a night so we're functioning on very little proper sleep and just about holding it together. Ive had some awful nights where I've just sat and cried and cried out of exhaustion, I'm a SAHM and find the days draining too so I do feel I'm equally responsible for the arguments we have as I'm so low and can be quite negative at times. The lack of sleep is definitely a huge contributing factor as I haven't seen this level of anger before, I also think he might be a bit depressed himself due to some stuff he's said...it's just whether or not to stay and fight for our marriage, given the sleep deprivation and various issues, or has the stress and exhaustion only highlighted the cracks that were already there, if that makes sense? She's our first child so I've no point of reference and she's also the worst sleeper out of anyone I know, so none of my parent friends are struggling in that department to the extent that we are...
Have you spoken to your GP or HV about the sleep deprivation and PND?
I'm not saying your DH doesn't have a problem (which may prove insurmountable) but I think you need to take one step at a time.
Sleep deprivation is literal torture and you cannot think straight with a child that wakes so often (I thought my DC were bad!)
Get help with that before you try and address the other issues.
Calling a tiny baby a "fucking little bitch"? Sorry but that is just absolutely vile. Why on earth would you want to be with a man like that love or have him anywhere near your child. He sounds like an absolute liability
"but just know it would devastate him to say I wanted out".
It's not about him OP, it's about YOU.
What do YOU want?
Do YOU want to leave him? Then LEAVE.
Who cares if he gets devastated, yes it will hurt but over time you/he will get past it. Never stay with a man because you want him to be there for your child. If he is a good father, whether you break up or not, he will continue to make effort to see and to support his daughter.
Take control of your life; your in your late 20's? Do you really want to spend anymore time with this man?
I'm not sure about the anger thing. But your husband sounds very similar to my ex; when DS was newborn and all the crying and whatnot, DS dad was about to beat me up as I couldn't "shut" DS up...(I was trying to breastfeed him and DS was finding it difficult to latch on).
But anyway, you have grown as a person, you are not the same person as when you got with this man, you want different things, you don't want a man who will easily loose him temper with a baby infact. It could be stress, tiredness...only you know what the situation is about.
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