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Don't know what to do

(32 Posts)
feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:56:45

Hello, I wanted to ask for some help. I have been with my partner for six years. He is a very kind and generous man and in many things he puts me first. However he also sees his mother and family most weekends who live in another city. he has constantly hidden me from his family until two years ago when they found out. They weren't happy and have been pretty nasty to
Me since then.

I've had enough and broken off contact with them although he still does talk to them every day. Often his mum bad mouthes me and tells him to find someone else. Recently he has limited contact with them but I feel so angry about what has happened that I think for me it is total no contact or no relationship between us. He won't choose or chooses me but then secretly contacts them.

I am feeling very very depressed and trapped within this relationship for various other reasons - nowhere to live and unstable work. I hate who I am becoming and I worry for my state of mind. Should I just leave? What should I do? He told me that he hadn't contacted them and then I discovered that he had today. So I threw his phone in the river. We are on holiday and I just can't get past this.

ButIbeingpoor Sat 27-Aug-16 17:08:40

Hmm. You sound a little controlling.
I have problems with my ILs but wouldn't dream of preventing my OH from contacting them. They're his family and he loves them.
But I would have a big problem if he spent so much time with them that he neglected his own home or children.
His family sound weird though. And you do seem to have a lot on your plate. Perhaps focus on resolving those issues? Tell him how you feel, but let him stay in contact with his family even if they don't like you.

VimFuego101 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:10:48

Why don't they like you? Was there some argument/ misunderstanding?

TheNaze73 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:11:52

You threw his phone in the river? I thin you need anger management as a starting point

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:17:41

Yes I realise I must sound controlling. I feel like I have lost all perspective on what is right or what I should tolerate.

So to give context - his mum calls every morning at 7am and they speak for a few minutes. Every weekend he goes up to visit them. For the first 4 years this meant we never spent weekends together and holidays were limited to a week a year and even then he often cut short the holiday to return home at the weekend even though he said he wouldn't.

During this time I told him how I felt but I didn't complain or stop him from going. His parents are elderly and that's what they wanted and he wanted. Two years ago they found out about me and are not happy because I a a different culture from them, don't cook, don't speak their language. They have lived in the UK for almost 50 years but still don't speak very much English and told him to get rid of me.

My partner said very little to defend me - he is very non confrontational - and just carried on seeing me during the week and them at the weekends. In the last year I have found this increasingly difficult. Now I feel I have flipped to the other extreme

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:21:03

He says he will change and he has a bit. Now he goes only a few weekends a month. But I feel so angry. I think the other thing is there were some members of his family who did know about me from the beginning and I helped them
With some things. When his parents found out about me his siblings refused to invite me to events and made out that they didn't know who I was even though they did. And my partner never challenged them on this.

It's also the lies. Why say you're going to break contact if you're not. I said if he didn't want to then that was fine but this was the end of our relationship and he had to make a choice. Am
I being unreasonable? I just don't know

QuiteLikely5 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:27:38

It's very hard to turn against your family in the way you are asking of your partner.

I can accept how unpleasant their behaviour has been towards you and why you dislike them but it's too much to ask imo that your partner cuts contact with them.

As for the other relatives who now pretend not to know you - well they are clearly afraid of repercussions

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:31:59

Ok so I am being unreasonable? I can understand that. I think what I have realised is that I just can't have anything more to do with them and by extension him because I just cannot cope with it all anymore. Really the problem is I need to leave my relationship. It has been poisoned and tainted and I can't move on if he sees them. I understand it's a big ask and an unreasonable one but I have to be honest and true to myself and admit that i am
Very unhappy if he does continue to see them and that even if the problem is now me, the result is still that we need to end it

QuiteLikely5 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:33:14

How does it affect you if he sees his family?

TheNaze73 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:35:13

I can't understand why him seeing his family is a problem to you OP?

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:36:22

Because I know what they say about me. Sometimes I can even hear his mum speaking loudly about me through the phone and it makes me so upset to know that I am being rubbished and bad mouthed to someone who supposedly loves me and who knows what I'm like and who says very little in response. That's how it affects me

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:39:04

It is also a problem if he sees them because he sees them every weekend and this has severely affected our relationship. They live two hours away and he will go on a Friday evening and return very late Sunday or Monday. This has decreased in the last few months since I put my foot down but now I feel "too little too late". In addition he used to run around after his family when they wanted other things. Now I just feel exhausted, angry, upset

Billben Sat 27-Aug-16 17:50:19

You know it in your heart that your relationship is going nowhere. Finish with him. He will never formally introduce you to his parents, let alone marry you or have any serious (kids, etc) future with you. Come on, he hasn't done it for the past 6 years , believe me he never will. He is a mummy's boy. He has you to look after him during the week and then goes back to mummy to be spoilt at the weekend. I doubt he stands up for you in front of his mother, and that will never change either. I know I sound harsh but you have already wasted 6 years of your life for him, don't waste any more. Speaking from experience here. I held on for 9 years. You will just become more and more bitter and unhappy.

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:55:46

Yes billben that is exactly how I feel and I feel I am slowly losing my sanity. Then I wonder if maybe the problem is me? I feel like if he stuck up for me and put me first I would have confidence and not worry about him seeing them even if they rubbished me because so what. But I feel like such a low down priority that even though when he is here he is generally great and we get along well I now just can't stand it

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Aug-16 18:00:09

The words "uphill struggle" spring to mind when I read about this man.

Its not you, its him. I would walk away from this because its not working and has not done for some considerable time. His mother and family come first and foremost in his life and he cannot and will not stand up for you.

Billben Sat 27-Aug-16 18:03:43

Been in your shoes. Honestly, for your own sake you have to finish it. That is no way to live a life. You chucking his phone in the river has nothing to do with anger issues. You are just simply at the end of your tether with the whole situation. His mother seem to rule the whole family and believe me, until people start standing up to her and start siding with you, you will never be a part of it. Sad, I know. Do you honestly think that if one day your DP would suddenly stand up to his mother and take your side, the woman would have a change of heart and start accepting you? No. She would hate you even more for turning her son against her.

Marilynsbigsister Sat 27-Aug-16 18:10:57

I can't believe what I am reading ! How many pp have said you are controlling because you are asking him to cut ties with his family and you ABU despite the fact that he is intent on appeasing unreconstructed RACISTS !!!! but that's all okey dokey because it's dressed up as 'cultural differences' .

He kept you hidden for two years because he KNOWS they are racists .
He thinks it's ok to appease racists.
You are with a man who believes racism is ok - as long as it's a family issue.
He will NEVER marry you. He will disappear one day and come back married to someone they have chosen for him.

How could you even give someone who holds these kind of abhorrent beliefs the time of day, let alone 6 yrs of your life. .

And no. It's not OK even when it's family. The only way to deal with this type of behaviour is to refuse to deal with it and not to have anything to do with those who do.

SoleBizzz Sat 27-Aug-16 18:11:24

Stop living like his dirty secret. You deserve better than this weak boy.

Billben Sat 27-Aug-16 18:14:00

As time goes on, you will become more resentful and envious of happy couples you see in every day life because you know that you won't get it with this man (not until his family has a say in the matter). You will start hating 7 o'clock in the mornings (who the fu*ck rings their adult child every single day at the same time just to speak for a few minutes? cut the apron springs will you) and the days prior to him leaving again (without you). You are fighting against the tide here

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:06:29

I know I realise this. I realise how manipulative they have all been including my DP telling me his DM doesn't have anyone else to rely on. It's now become clear that she is surrounded by people in her community, has far more interaction with others compared to other elderly people and is just a manipulative controlling witch.

Although I'm a different culture to them, we come from very similar countries/cultures, are the same colour and religion - essentially I'm just a different caste and not where they're from.

I've said before its racism and it's taken him ages to admit it but even now nothing will ever really change.

Cabrinha Sat 27-Aug-16 19:22:30

He could be the nicest man in the world, but it's OK to choose not to be on a relationship where your boyfriend is away every Fri night to Sun night / Mon morning. That's just too much for most people, even if you loved his parents as much as he does!

But yeah - he's condoning their racism and sounds like a spineless wanker.

Time to cut loose.

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:29:23

Prior to me throwing his phone away I made him (yes I realise how this sounds!) message two of his relatives saying he would no longer be in contact with them. And one of them replied saying "you owe us more than just a message. We'll talk to you when you're back". They know the score, the problems we've had as a result of his family but their reaction has been that I need to make more of an effort to fit in and visit so everyone else gets used to me. In themselves they've mostly been ok with me.

I just feel so angry. But I feel like I can't/don't know how to leave. I have no real family or friends I can rely on

ohfourfoxache Sat 27-Aug-16 19:30:27

Fucking hell, I'm gobsmacked shock

I'm so sorry but this isn't going anywhere. He kept you secret for years, you get no support from him and his family are pricks. It's him, not you.

I'm so sorry but I really think you need to LTB thanks

feelingsoalone1 Sat 27-Aug-16 20:57:27

I feel so so sad. What do I do? How do I leave? I feel completely trapped. I know nothing will ever change. I just feel completely alone and like such a fool. I really tried with him, with his family and I feel like I put up with too much for too long. What do I do now? I just have my savings. I've had a sort of breakdown since the summer and haven't worked. I could try and get some work now but I fear I'll mess up and it will be harder to get more work in my industry.

My mum has told me I should just stay with him as I won't have much of a life otherwise and I have no other real support. I just feel like ending it. It's been years of difficulties even before him and he gave me some semblance of normality but I just can't cope with this anymore.

SoleBizzz Sat 27-Aug-16 21:02:04

I couldn't tolerate this either. Lonliness and decreasing self esteem has had you stay. If you have some savings, is this enough fir you to rent a flat? Your Mom doesn't sound supportive. You can start your life again. Lots of Women do. Can you move out one day when he is at work?

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