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DM doesn't like me expressing ANY feelings

(22 Posts)
MaxiUncomfortable Sat 27-Aug-16 16:51:08

Don't know how to explain this properly, but I wonder if anyone can relate. My mum, ever since I was small, just seems to find me expressing any feelings almost unbearable. So recently I was upset about something quite serious and discussed it with her, but simple got a barrage of 'that's nothing to be upset about', 'I've been through worse', 'you must be really sensitive'. Sometimes she'll even shout at me and start crying loudly about her own problems to deflect. I don't know where this weird trait comes from.

As a child she did the same. When I was being bullied at school she told me I needed to grow a thicker skin and kept on about how my school dramas were making her 'a nervous wreck' (interestingly she did go in to school and speak to my teacher about the bully, but she never acknowledged the seriousness of the bullying to me).

Most memorably, when my marriage was breaking down and I sat talking it through with my dad (who is helpful), she barged in and tried for 5 minutes to talk me out of it 'you'll find someone else', 'I've been through divorce too and I'm fine' etc. When I was noticeably still upset, she suddenly swept all the ornaments off the mantelpiece in a fit of anger and screamed 'I can't fucking take this! This is killing me'.

I'd like to be generous and say she just loves me so much she finds my sadness unbearable, but there's a nasty quality to it all. It's like she feels upstaged or something?

It's like my feelings only exist to make her feel bad or trouble her. I'm nearly 40 now so the obvious answer is to stop going to her with my problems, but I just can't seem to.

happypoobum Sat 27-Aug-16 16:55:55

Have you ever googled narcissistic personality disorder?

Or had a look at the Stately Homes thread?

Or if that all seems too much have a look at this thread

SoleBizzz Sat 27-Aug-16 16:57:53

My Mother was similiar to yours. Might be a generational thing of stiff upper lip. I always suspected my Mother didn't love me enough. I realise now she didn't.

roob314 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:59:14

My mother doesnt allow me to be upset either.
i have a book called "nice girl syndrome'' on order.

My mum also burst in to tears once at how hard it was for her to witness my legitimate disappointment in her.

ImperialBlether Sat 27-Aug-16 16:59:33

When I was noticeably still upset, she suddenly swept all the ornaments off the mantelpiece in a fit of anger and screamed 'I can't fucking take this! This is killing me'.

This ^ is definitely not a generational thing!

roob314 Sat 27-Aug-16 17:00:34

Do u feel uncomfortable if you dont do what she wants you to do?
Im trying to de programme my mother-pleasing inclinations

SoleBizzz Sat 27-Aug-16 17:02:44

Not being funny. What is it Imperial? My Mother wouldn't destroy items but woukd say I was killing her over normal teenage stuff. I never felt supported by her emotionally. My Mother was always frightened my Father woukd find out stuff and how it woukd affect he relationship with him.

Not hijacking.

Geraniumred Sat 27-Aug-16 17:42:06

There are a couple of helpful books and threads about mothers like this. It's not uncommon, sadly.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Aug-16 18:06:07

What happypoobum wrote earlier. It's not a generational thing, oh no.

Its more in tune with what narcissistic mothers do to their daughters, they cannot ever bear to be upstaged by anybody.

I would read "Will I ever be good enough" by Karyl McBride.

Wishimaywishimight Sat 27-Aug-16 18:07:03

My mother is like this - I remember being upset over things and her response would be " what are you crying about now", "what's wrong with YOU", "what have you got to be depressed about" (she doesn't believe in depression) etc etc. It's horrible and meant I haven't discussed anything meaningful with her in many years and she is the last person in the world I would go to with a problem. We are now low contact and I believe she is a narcissist (has many of the traits).

ImperialBlether Sat 27-Aug-16 18:21:57

Sorry, Sole, I was just saying that the behaviour wasn't typical of the older generation. It must be horrible having such a relationship with your mum - really awful.


toastymarshmallow Sat 27-Aug-16 18:32:29

I once had a completely understandable grievance with a family member, and I was working it through with that family member. Yes things were uncomfortable but we kept it between us and I didn't go to my mum about it because she would have been dragged into it (the opposite of my mums behaviour tbh).

So my mum shows up at my house, comes in, brings up the thing about me and the family member, and when I calmly began to explain my side she started stamping her feet like a toddler, growled at me and then flounced out.

If I was ever crying as a child I would be sent to a different room.

We are NC now. Pretty sure she has narcissistic personality disorder. Your mum sounds similar OP.

Wordsaremything Sat 27-Aug-16 18:57:02

I have one of these too.
On being told I'd had my much loved cat put to sleep, she said : don't get upset.
She's the last person I would go to for emotional support in a crisis.
I'm sorry you are similarly lumbered.

olives106 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:12:05

Yep, another one here.

One Christmas I had flu and was at home, 250 miles from where they live. She threw a tantrum when I said I was too ill to manage three trains across the country, which might well have been cancelled anyway due to thick snow, plus a walk a mile uphill dragging a suitcase through the snow as they couldn't get the cars out. I had a temperature of 102 and could barely get out of bed.

She still goes on about how I "ruined Christmas". Needless to say, I don't bother even trying to do 'family Christmas' any more.

Wishimaywishimight Sat 27-Aug-16 19:15:20

I was in hospital having had a gangrenous appendix removed (was in for 9 days due to a post op infection). Mother said "it's not like you 're really sick though is it"... I felt all warm & fuzzy inside...

sonjadog Sat 27-Aug-16 19:24:04

Yep, my mum does this. I don´t share emotion with her any more.

IwannaSnorlax Sat 27-Aug-16 19:35:34

My mum can't handle seeing me upset either. She's not horrible about it though, but tries to ignore it or me & talk about something else.

roob314 Sat 27-Aug-16 21:48:30

Is the book specifically for daughters atilla?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 27-Aug-16 22:03:31

Mine is the same. I'm not allowed to be properly happy either. I will be told why whatever I'm happy about is actually a kick in the teeth to her somehow or is actually all because of her and I'm terrible for not attributing it to her. Permanent victim. She could win the lottery and wouldn't be happy until she had found a way to make herself a victim about it.

Geraniumred Sat 27-Aug-16 22:23:14

Yes it is roob314. It is very good and has quite a bit on developing an internal mother.

user1468841624 Sat 27-Aug-16 22:29:01

Yes, I have one of these.

When I was a teenager someone I was close to was horrifically murdered and I was exposed to a lot of the aftermath of it (crime scene etc).

My mother never, ever once asked how I was.

Sadly for me, she was also the person who broke the news of the murder to me - she literally spat it out at me without any lead up or attempt to break it gently.

It still kills me to this day sad

ButEmilylovedhim Mon 29-Aug-16 14:07:26

Very sad to hear that user146... How terrible. flowers

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