Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Surrendered Wife? Any experience?

(93 Posts)
user1471552005 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:28:15

Just that really.I am interested in how this concept worked for you or if you are a man with a surrendered wife, or if your mother was one.Which was the case for me.
How have things worked for you in the long term? I am not a journalist, I have a personal experience. Just wanted to share with others.

Lulooo Sat 27-Aug-16 16:30:28

I've read parts of it. I bought the other book 'First Kill all the Marriage Counsellors' and have read parts of that too. I'm place marking now as I only have a couple of mins to spare but will post afterwards.

Floggingmolly Sat 27-Aug-16 16:30:55

So, share...

user1471552005 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:32:04

I'd be interested to hear your experiences luloo.

user1471552005 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:32:36

floggingmolly- do you know of the concept?

pontificationcentral Sat 27-Aug-16 16:32:56

Yeah, I think the last surrendered wife thread we had on here, the op got dumped anyway, despite her very best efforts at martyrdom. That sort of thing? Have some self respect.

PurpleDaisies Sat 27-Aug-16 16:33:22

What's a surrendered wife?

OurBlanche Sat 27-Aug-16 16:33:41

You are going to have to give more than that OP... despite your protestation, you now sound a bit like a journo!

pasic Sat 27-Aug-16 16:34:47

You first OP. That's how it works.

LisaMed1 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:34:59

Do you work for the Daily Mail.

(They don't count as journalists)

OurBlanche Sat 27-Aug-16 16:35:39


user1471552005 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:35:47


pasic Sat 27-Aug-16 16:37:59

Come on OP, don't be shy.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 27-Aug-16 16:38:14

What a hideous concept.

SecretSpy Sat 27-Aug-16 16:38:47

I read the book, the Laura Doyle one.

It was interesting and horrifying and fascinating all at once.

It's not for me, I'm a human being in my own right.

Cannonbear Sat 27-Aug-16 16:38:55

Your experiences OP, not Wikipedia.

MyWineTime Sat 27-Aug-16 16:39:42

I read a bit about this when someone posted about it on the fluffy site.
I laughed. I thought it was a big pile of misogynistic shit.
You're probably better off trying over there.

OurBlanche Sat 27-Aug-16 16:43:10

I'll bite, it could be interesting

The "Surrendered Wives" movement is centered on six basic principles:

1. a wife relinquishes control of her husband's life Well, I never controlled it in the first place, so I have nothing to relinquish

2. she respects his decisions for his life As it is his life, I don't why this is 'A Principle'

3. she practices good self-care (she does at least three things a day for her own enjoyment) Yeah! That would be my life!

4. she practices expressing gratitude (thanking her husband for the things he does) Yup! Cos I am polite. He thanks me for stuff I do, too

5. a surrendered wife is not afraid to show her vulnerability and take the feminine approach Well, we are all vulnerable sometimes.. not sure what the 'feminine approach would be, in real terms though!

And if anyone knows what the 6th Principle is... wiki seems to have lost it smile

So... I appear to be mostly Surrendered. I prefer to call our marriage An Equal Partnership though!

ClementineWardrobe Sat 27-Aug-16 16:43:17

I think the only thread I remember on this subject years ago was started by a member called beautiful. She was trying to get others to join in being a surrendered wife. IIRC, the first reply was this; hmm
Pretty much sums up the site in 2 posts.

She was very gracious under attack though, and I think she split with her DH in the end. As did Laura Doyle I believe.

Trifleorbust Sat 27-Aug-16 16:45:56

Bad times.

user1471552005 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:48:41

OK sorry.

I ask this question because a friends daughter at the age of 25 has jut decided to become a surrendered wife, and she has two young children.

I was born in the 60s, the term "surrendered wife" wasn't coined then, but in all aspects that's exactly what my mother was.
I realise things were different then, but the impact was still the same.
My mother never worked, my father made all the decisions. She was not allowed to drive, she did all the housework, she had no bank account. It was made clear to me at an early age that the most important role I could do was to serve my husband. Iron his shirts, make sure I had food on the table when he came home from work, never to question, never to argue, always to trust his judgement.
My mother was lucky in some ways because although he was of the same generation and mindset he was a benevolent man, kind and caring.
We lived in a poor backwater area of rural Scotland where information services were poor and aspirations were low. Despite that I did well at school and was accepted into st Andrews University to study medicine.
My mother was not happy. So I declined the offer.
Instead I married young and strove to be a good wife.Unfortunately my husband was not a good man. Seizing on my weakness I was battered and raped. I sought help to my mother who advised to try harder, not to annoy him. Most of my 20s were spent in a very confused state.
Obviously some time ago now, but these role models of my parents have not been helpful to me.
I know there is a resurgence in the idea of surrendered wives, and the fact that my friends daughter has chosen this course has awakened many feelings I have.

MrsRaymondReddington Sat 27-Aug-16 16:53:40

OurBlanche - I just read that and agree with you! All that stuff comes naturally in an equal relationship. I haven't surrendered at and DP are just happy, equal, independent and loyal.

Without having read much about it, the 'surrendered wife' concept sounds like something a dominant man would come up with if he wanted a more submissive wife, which is fine if that's what floats your boat.

OurBlanche Sat 27-Aug-16 16:54:09

See that's not Surrendered... that's Stepford!

OurBlanche Sat 27-Aug-16 16:55:18

Obviously cross posted there MrsR smile

MrsRaymondReddington Sat 27-Aug-16 16:58:59

If someone is open to this surrendered wife stuff then they surely need to be somewhat submissive in the first place otherwise it's just too hard to maintain.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now