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The love of my life gets married at 3pm today....the only problem is it's not to me!

(136 Posts)
2anddone Sat 27-Aug-16 13:30:21

Hi just that really the love of my life, the one that got away gets married at 3pm today and I am really sad about it!
We were together 21 years ago, I was his first time. We were totally in love and completely inseparable for 8 months when I had to go away to do my year out which had been planned before we got together. I didn't want to go and if I hadn't been 18 and scared I would have refused but I didn't even think that was an option at the time!
Probably totally outing myself but don't really care. My parents split us up during my year abroad and threatened to get injunctions out to keep us apart if he contacted me. We split up and I returned home at the end of my year.
I met the person who is now xh and we got together a couple of years after that I bumped into my xbf and we had an affair this lasted nearly 2 years and came to a natural end, we remained friends but have this instinct to be near each other.
5 years after this we got together again for another 3 years and this also came to an end when he met someone. Me and xh separated 3 years ago and deep down I always expected to get back with the person I have always loved.
Today he gets married and I live so close to the church I will hear the bells and know that it has finally finished.
I love him so much, I know I need to get a grip I have loved him for over 20 years though and today I am feeling really sad sad

Halfwayoranges Sat 27-Aug-16 13:32:38

Does he know how you feel?!

Sounds horrible OP, but if he loves someone else then the hurt of him getting married may help to heal now so you can move on?

ImperialBlether Sat 27-Aug-16 13:33:35

First of all, I'd go out so that I couldn't hear the bells ringing!

If he was meant to be with you, he wouldn't be marrying someone else. I'm sorry - it's hard to think that, but if he wanted to marry you, he'd be at your house today, not at the church.

Do you think you're glorifying the past? Were things really so good? If they were, why did it end?

2anddone Sat 27-Aug-16 13:37:55

I don't know if he knows how I feel but we are useless at being just friends!! If we spend longer than a couple of days together we end up back together!! We have always joked we would finally officially get it together when we are 80!
My best friend is his cousin so there is no escape from him as all get togethers she has he is there. We live in a small village and the only way to stay away is to purposefully not go to his shop etc. I just know I will hear those bells once they are married and will feel like the world has ended.
Thank you for not judging me

JigglypuffsCaptor Sat 27-Aug-16 13:40:13

Go out, treat yourself at 3pm and use it as a defining point to move on. It must be so hard and I don't envy you at all. He must clearly love his soon to be wife and that is that.

I'm so sorry flowers

2anddone Sat 27-Aug-16 13:41:26

Apart from the time when my parents split us up it ended because I got an attack of guilty conscience and couldn't continue behind xh back.
I don't think I was glorifying the past and I know if he wanted me he would have backed out by now, I am just kicking myself for not telling him I still love him before today

category12 Sat 27-Aug-16 13:42:42

I'm intrigued by why your parents felt so strongly they were getting injunctions out.

I think if it had been right it would have worked out when you had the chance, but I appreciate it's a sad closing of a door for you. Indulge yourself a bit today and then onwards and upwards.

confusionis Sat 27-Aug-16 13:43:28

You need to move from that village.

2anddone Sat 27-Aug-16 13:43:56

Can't go out got 12 people here for a bbq at 3.30 (it sounded a good idea at the time and I honestly didn't think I would be like this today).
I hope he does love her and doesn't feel he has got in too deep to back out. I just want him to be happy

dalmatianmad Sat 27-Aug-16 13:46:57

How awful for you op, I can imagine how shitty you must feel. Would it be an option to contact him and let him know how you feel? Or is that a bit dramatic and film like?? You deffo need to clear off out somewhere, even if it's just a drive somewhere because hearing them bells is gonna be a sad reminder of what could have been....

GingerIvy Sat 27-Aug-16 13:48:33

I'm going to be odd person out and ask if you ever considered that he's just been using you. If he loved you, he wouldn't be marrying someone else. Affairs? But can't round up the gumption to do it properly for you but will with someone else then comes back to you when their relationship goes sour? Sorry, I think you've had a lucky escape and need to steer clear from him!

PurpleDaisies Sat 27-Aug-16 13:48:41

Do you think you're glorifying the past?

Someone on a tv show said something that stuck with me. "It's romantic because it didn't happen". You've got a fantasy view of what life would be like if you were this with this guy. He's marrying someone else he loves so you have to find a way to move on. For today though, be kind to yourself and go out and distract yourself. Shopping, exercise, whatever.

LyraMortalia Sat 27-Aug-16 13:49:17

If he felt the same he wouldn't be getting married to someone else please, please let him go and find someone who really loves you, just you.

2anddone Sat 27-Aug-16 13:49:21

category they were blaming me not enjoying my year abroad on missing him and felt the best thing was for him to not contact me at all. I was 18 he was 16 and they were threatening to take it out on me to keep away from him, knowing my chosen career could be in jeopardy if this happened his parents didn't let him contact me again. I am still in touch with his parents and get invited round for bbqs etc

PurpleDaisies Sat 27-Aug-16 13:49:40

On what grounds would your parents have been able to take our injunctions to stop you seeing each other?

DietCockBreak Sat 27-Aug-16 13:52:20

So your relationship with him has come to a 'natural end' several times, and once he dumped you for someone else? I don't think this person is the love of your life! Honestly, raise your standards, you will find someone amazing and think "why did I keep going back to that prick?".

2anddone Sat 27-Aug-16 13:52:26

I don't know but at 18 you believe anything!

Oblomov16 Sat 27-Aug-16 13:53:40

I think you are fantasising this for more than it is.
You had affairs with him twice. He's had plenty of opportunity to commit to you totally and marry you. But he hasn't chosen to.
He may love you. But he doesn't love you THAT much. I'm afraid. But I don't think you can see this for what it is, can you?

roarfeckingroar Sat 27-Aug-16 13:54:21

The love of my life married again quite recently.

I found out because he told me.

It hurts. I'm with you. I get it.

emotionsecho Sat 27-Aug-16 13:54:57

If I'm reading your first post correctly you've tried three times to be together as a couple and the last time there was nothing to prevent the two of you staying together for the rest of your lives yet you didn't, that says to me that you are not right for each other. Are you sure your belief that you should be together is not based on some rose tinted fantasy rather than reality? You've done the reality, it didn't work in the long term, why didn't it?

ShiroiKoibito Sat 27-Aug-16 13:55:44

Sadly you're not the love of his life - sucks but thats it in a nutshell,

Nannawifeofbaldr Sat 27-Aug-16 13:56:16

You've had several opportunities to be together if that's what you both wanted.

You could have left your ex for him instead of carrying on with an affair.

He could have contacted you once you'd split from your ex - you say he lives locally and is close to your best friend - he must have known.

You have only once been in a proper full time relationship with this man, for less than a year, two decades ago.

I'm so sorry it hurts you that he's getting married. But you need to let it go and stay away as much as you can.

purplefox Sat 27-Aug-16 13:58:30

If you ended it because of the guilty conscience does he know you love him? Did he move on because he thought there was no potential for a future with you?

headinhands Sat 27-Aug-16 13:59:12

As cynical as this sounds, having been on MN for a few years, him being married won't change anything.

TheNaze73 Sat 27-Aug-16 13:59:23

If it could happened 3 times & hasn't happened, I'm struggling to see how he's the love of your life. He's committed another to his partner, to ask her to marry him. That says all you need to know

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