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Just found out emotionally abusive DP has been talking to other women online. How do I confront him?

(21 Posts)
TwuntingCat Sat 27-Aug-16 09:28:54

As the title says basically, he was acting shifty last night so I checked his phone this morning (I know I shouldn't have!) to find that yesterday alone he had been speaking to/sending pictures to 13 other women. I've had to leave to go to work so have until 5pm to gather the courage to confront him about it. However when I've tried to leave in the past he's threatened suicide and even went missing for 3 days once. I know this is probably all talk and he is doing it to control me but I can never find the courage to walk away, we get back together and it starts all over again. I want this time to be for good but I'm scared that once again I will take him back. How do I find the courage to walk away once and for all?
P.S I'm working all day so may not find the time to reply until I finish at 5pm

PastoralCare Sat 27-Aug-16 09:41:56

What do you think you might get by confronting him? A victory of sorts? a "got you there"?

Bottom line is, if he is emotionally abusive there is no point in staying with him so just leave the relationship. You don't need to explain.

RandomMess Sat 27-Aug-16 09:46:53

Don't bother, speak to Woman's Aid and work out what you want to do. This will form part of your grounds for divorce. Get evidence if you can.

If he threatens suicide again I suggest you reply "get on with it, it will be cheaper than divorce"

AnyFucker Sat 27-Aug-16 09:48:07

Don't confront

Just make your plans to end it for good this time

You know he is EA. Now you know he is unfaithful.

How many more lines does he have to cross before you act ?

DoreenLethal Sat 27-Aug-16 09:48:42

Get somewhere else to live, pack your stuff and then leave.

Do you have to confront him, really?

I take it you aren't married if he is your 'DP'?

RedMapleLeaf Sat 27-Aug-16 09:49:12

I agree, make leaving him your real goal and focus on that.

SandyY2K Sat 27-Aug-16 09:55:44

Why bother confronting if nothing changes and you aren't leaving? It's pointless. If you are ever able to leave him, then just do it without a big showdown which will just cause you a load of stress.

Once you have got a new plans all set up, pack your bags and leave. If you own the property jointly then it needs to be sold or one buys the other out.

If he threatens suicide tell him you are calling the police and do it. He won't try it again.

MsStricty Sat 27-Aug-16 10:15:01

You don't talk to him, OP. You leave.


DownTownAbbey Sat 27-Aug-16 10:29:51

Do not confront him. Maybe you want him to explain/ apologise/ beg forgiveness in some part of your mind but it's very very unlikely to go well. You know his MO. Don't give him the opportunity. Keep quiet if you have to stay under the same roof. Take screenshots, hide your important documents and take copies of important paperwork. Make it a fait accompli before telling him it's over. Don't allow him to control the situation.

pinkyredrose Sat 27-Aug-16 10:32:55

Do you live together and if so do you have anywhere to go? I wouldn't even bother confronting I don't think, it sounds like you just need to get away from him.

Strawclutching Sat 27-Aug-16 10:36:36

Agreed. Gather proof. Sort out your finances. Pack your (or his bags) and separate. He's showing you no love, care or consideration.

Corialanusburt Sat 27-Aug-16 10:37:25

Do not confront him. Leave him.

MyLlamasGoneBananas Sat 27-Aug-16 10:39:23

Don't confront. Play the long game.

Start making a get away plan so you can just up and leave when you are ready. When you have a bit of money behind you, somewhere to go. Start gathering paperwork and evidence you may need if he refuses to cough up any/much child maintenance etc (assuming you have kids).

If you need help and support try Women's Aid or even Citizens Advice.

12hours Sat 27-Aug-16 10:49:14

Agree with MyLiam. Am in exactly the sane situation as you, EA for 16 years and now chasing a younger model at work. Have known for a while, have not confronted yet, just get all your arrangements made in the background and then you will be able to go. Its probably s good thing its happened, you have a concrete reason to go. If you've been EA'd and are anything like me, the EA has not given you reason enough as you keep wondering whether it is EA. Take care.

TheBriarAndTheRose Sat 27-Aug-16 11:42:33

You don't need to confront him, you need to leave.

And if he threatens to kill himself, let him get on with it. (He won't)

TheNaze73 Sat 27-Aug-16 14:03:55

I think you've got your priorities wrong. Make an exit plan

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Aug-16 14:28:17

Do not confront him, make plans to leave him instead. Womens Aid can help you here on 0808 2000 247.

His past threats were made to control you and it worked.

In the longer term I would enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is for women who have been in abusive relationships. Such men like this one can take an awful long time to recover from.

happypoobum Sat 27-Aug-16 15:08:49

I wouldn't bother confronting him either. Do you have somewhere else you can go?

Hissy Sat 27-Aug-16 15:23:54

You come home, you end the relationship, as long as he's not violent. If he's likely to be, or gets angry and you're scared, call the police.

Hissy Sat 27-Aug-16 15:24:56

Let him threaten to kill himself, he won't, it's just to get you to behave. Fuck him!

GingerIvy Sat 27-Aug-16 15:28:26

Confronting him only gives him importance. It shows you are still interested in his side of it. Make plans to leave, and once you're out, tell him it's over in a way that you don't have to confront or talk back and forth.

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