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Gentle advice for DM leaving dh

(5 Posts)
Cockblocktopus Sat 27-Aug-16 01:08:03

My very lovely DM has had a rough time of it lately. She is in the UK but I'm overseas but my dbro is there. She has depression though Ai wouldn't be surprised if this lifts once she leaves.

Over the past 72 hours her h has become increasingly erratic. He has grabbed her, restrained her, ranted at her and been generally abusive. He has some health issues, had been unable to sleep for 48 hours, is in a lot of pain and has a family back ground of mental health problems and is very isolated (no friends). He is also a hoarder as was his deceased wife. He won't let mum get rid of anything and the house is very unpleasant. He works from home and has been ranting at clients on the phone.

My dbro popped over whilst he was in the area and witnessed all of this behaviour. To cut a long story short after he left mum stopped answering he phone bad dbro called the police. Police broke in to find mum being restrained and very distressed and dbro came back, got mum and is taking her to his house. They called th mental health people re her h I think

She has her passport, driving license and pet and that's it. We are hoping she will come visit us here for some time and then re asses.

Does anyone have any nice, kind, practical advice for Dmum in the short term?

My father was abusive physically, financially and emotionally. She will not (her words) put up with any of it again.

Police have offered to be there whilst she collects more stuff.

keepingonrunning Sat 27-Aug-16 01:21:15

Does DM own or part own her home? Can she stay in it and H move out? Phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 available free 24/7 for advice on an emergency non-molestation order and occupation order to keep him away from her. She has 13 days to apply for an emergency non-mol from when police were called.
Get the locks changed, hire declutterers to deal with his possessions or put in storage.

Cockblocktopus Sat 27-Aug-16 03:27:07

Thank you for posting keeping

I think the house is joint owned but it's definitely his house. Still filled with his deceased wife's stuff (and I don't mean Nic nacs, I mean clothes, birthday cards, paperwork etc - she died over a decade ago and mum has been with him for 8 years I think). I don't think mum wants to return but I will tell her that's an option.

Womens aid is a great idea. I'll suggest that too.

Declutterers is also a fab idea but I think she won't go for it. I suggested taking money out of their joint account and she wouldn't which makes me think their has been some financial abuse too. sad

WhoeverUWantMeToBe Sat 27-Aug-16 09:03:37

Only my absolute assertion as someone who grew up with a hoarder parent that she is absolutely and utterly doing the right thing. Its a living hell. Your poor mam.

WhoeverUWantMeToBe Sat 27-Aug-16 09:14:41

That website is aimed at children who grew up with hoarder parents, but maybe your mam can find some support there which would make her feel less alone. They tell children of hoarders the same mantra they tell children of alcoholics: 'you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it...'

Sorry if it seems like I'm focusing on the hoarding part of your post only, but I recognise from your description the signs of a seriously unwell hoarder, and I know how incredibly damaging it isto live with that, and I know how often it is linked in with aggression and narcissism and abusive behaviour, and I just want your lovely mam to know she is not alone, and am sending her big wooly virtual hugs. She is being very brave. Second the recommendation for her to ring women's aid, but just want to gently suggest she also seek support from people who specifically understand the hoarding issue, as it is something which is impossible o understand unless you've lived it. Starting with that website.

Ps she is lucky to have lovely kids like you and your db

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