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Sexless marriage, not sure if husband even fancies me...

(34 Posts)
Myshitsexlife Fri 26-Aug-16 21:49:47

I've searched to see if I can find any similar threads, but it seems my situation may be unique and I really need some help deciding what to do.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. From the start our sex life was very one sided, it was always me initiating-he never turned me down but it always came from me. It was always a bit stilted and lacking passion, but apart from the one sidedness, it was fine.
Slowly, as it does, over the months it started to dwindle and if I didn't initiate we just didn't have sex. I tried talking to him and he said there wasn't a problem.
One day after we'd been together a couple of years I looked at his phone internet history and he'd been looking at porn, mainly anal which is something we haven't done, nor has he shown an interest in. I wasn't angry about the porn per se, but he fact that we weren't having sex and he was choosing to masterbate to porn.
Over the months I tried talking to him a few more times, all he has ever said is that he is scared to initiate in case I turn him down.
I looked at his phone a few months later and he'd been watching transsexual porn and been on adultfriend Finder. A whole can of worms was then opened as I carried on digging and found memberships to transvestite hook up sites and adult work. I won't go into the whole heap of shit that followed those discoveries but we had counselling and said he isn't attracted to transvestites, he was watching the porn etc as its taboo and he'd never want to meet or be with one.
Yes I am still with him, yes I am stupid. As it stands, we haven't had sex for 2 years. The last time I talked to him about it was over a year ago and nothing has changed.

Please help me decide what to do, can straight men be interested in transvestites or am I just very very stupid. I can't be in a sexless marriage.

PurpleThursday Fri 26-Aug-16 21:53:20

For me regardless of what his personal fantasies are, (that's a whole nother thread) the fact remains that he doesn't seem to care about making you feel good, or feeling close to you. Sadly for me that wouldn't make a good marriage flowers

BleakBetty Fri 26-Aug-16 21:55:18

flowers for you, OP.

I'm no expert, but he may well have some form of porn addiction. From what I've heard, it can begin with fairly soft stuff and progress to 'kinky' or more 'fetish' hardcore porn. It's like a tolerance, when the softer stuff doesn't give them the same thrill or get them off. So it may be that he's being honest that he was just enjoying the 'taboo'.

However, I think it's unacceptable that he has lied to you and made you feel unwanted and rejected.

Tbh, it sounds like he's not going to change. If this is something you can't live with, I'd make plans to leave.

AnyFucker Fri 26-Aug-16 21:55:55

This isn't a relationship

BleakBetty Fri 26-Aug-16 21:56:46

Also think 'scared you'd turn him down' sounds like a bit of a cop out to me, sorry OP.

But remember, this isn't on you.

SteffiMuse Fri 26-Aug-16 21:58:03

My ex liked transgender and also loved gay porn and chat rooms. Pretty much anything with a dick. He said he doesn't like penis but is just addicted. Hmmmm
Well after giving him a chance, him saying he will get help and blah blag blah
He still was doing it. They don't change.
Get out now!
Why live this life when you don't have to?

Myshitsexlife Fri 26-Aug-16 22:04:21

Yeah our counsellor did say it was a porn addiction. He went to a group for porn addicts every week for a few months. I've told him how shit it makes me feel, I've lost all my confidence.
The last time we had sex we were trying for a baby, he climbed on, did his thing and climbed off again. Conceived on second time of trying and now we have a 15 month old child. I don't want to break our family up but at the same time my confidence is in tatters and I can't live without sex

LellyMcKelly Fri 26-Aug-16 22:06:37

He's gay. I've gone through the same with my ex. I'd put money on your DH being gay, even if he's in denial about it. Check cupboards for toiletry bags or similar. I found out about mine because I found a bag full of condoms and lube.

Melmelmel687 Fri 26-Aug-16 22:10:13

Not so much similar but read my thread what a fool, thats rejection know how you feel

wobblywonderwoman Fri 26-Aug-16 22:14:00

I think he is interested in men op

PurpleThursday Fri 26-Aug-16 22:15:59

I understand you not wanting to break up your family but you need to think if you want your dc growing up in the middle of this kind of loveless and deceitful relationship. It's not much to aspire to. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I was just trying to be direct. AF probably said it clearer!

Myshitsexlife Fri 26-Aug-16 22:19:58

I know, it's not a relationship, it's shit.
He's not a bad person though, in every other respect I can't complain at all, he's a brilliant dad and he's kind and thoughtful.
I was hoping there would be some random explanation but of course I know there's not.
How the hell do I discuss this again? I was thinking about writing him a letter, I don't think I can face talking about it

PamelaFlitton31 Fri 26-Aug-16 22:21:00

This sounds so familiar. My STBEx stopped having sex with me about 4 months into our relationship. I stuck around for another 3.5 years (am leaving on Saturday).
I was understanding & caring at times (although no explanation for lack of sex was ever forthcoming), other times I would shout & scream about it. But I loved him & wanted to try to work things out - but he wouldn't, just said repeatedly that it would be fine.
Eventually he met someone else, I don't know who, probably a woman, and now I am moving out. I should have gone a long time ago. It has almost destroyed my self confidence but not quite.
Our situations are not identical OP, but I would recommend thinking about leaving. I doubt things will improve.
Best of luck.

chameleonspots Fri 26-Aug-16 22:23:03

I'm in a sexless marriage with DH and there's definitely no porn (almost wish there was). I feel like shit and have for years. It doesn't get better. Sorry.

For me I'm not able to leave (think moving country every three years and financially very dependent) right now. But I'm working up to it on all fronts. I'm also giving him the chance to change things.

However, if I could leave now and be rid of this awful feeling of utter worthlessness, I'd go for it.

You're not breaking your family up, the porn addict is doing that all by himself.

CountryLovingGirl Fri 26-Aug-16 22:29:47

I think he is more interested in men too. You need to get out as that is no way to live in a marriage.

Look him in the eye and just say what you have to. If he is 'that way' he will break down and tell you as he will realise you know. I reckon he is hiding his secret desire. It isn't fair on you to be treated in this way.

BleakBetty Fri 26-Aug-16 22:33:13

I don't think he's necessarily gay.

But it doesn't sound like he's accepting any responsiblility for lying to you, nor accepting that his actions are making you feel worthless and rejected.

Is he making proactive effort to change things? To quit watching porn and reengage with the relationship? If not, you may be best thinking of your exit strategy.

PurpleThursday Fri 26-Aug-16 22:34:36

I don't think he is necessarily gay either. And it's almost not the point. He doesn't care about what you need, that's the point.

Myshitsexlife Fri 26-Aug-16 22:37:14

I don't know if he still watches porn, I haven't looked and I imagine he's probably clever enough to use private browsing on his phone so I don't know how I'd find out. I think he'd lie if I asked.

I don't know how we could ever split up, we can't afford to run 2 homes

TheNaze73 Fri 26-Aug-16 23:02:12

Can I ask what made you get with him in the first place? Has he never been one to lead sex? How did the dynamic work when you first got together? Were there ever a "I want to rip your clothes" moments from him? I can't see how a relationship would ever get going without that initial bit?
I think when any porn use, effects the relationship than its a major issue/deal breaker.
I really feel for you op as the constant rejection must be soul destroying. After only 6 years of marriage, 2 weeks should be a long time to go without but, 2 years would rock the foundations of most relationships. Physical intimacy, is one of the few differentiators in a relationship, to a living with a best friend arrangement. You only get one stab at life op, I would have to leave

QWERTY38 Fri 26-Aug-16 23:52:11

Hi. I joined this site yesterday. I got loads of good comments on my opening post and I feel I can contribute to your thread in a positive way. I'm a man by the way.

First things first I don't think your husband is gay. Secondly I might sound crude in what I say but I don't mean to offend anybody on here. We're taking about sex right so let's just get down to it.

The reason I say your husband isn't gay comes from experience of friends in a similar position to your husband. Im sorry to say this and admit it but men are a weird bunch. Really we are. Men like all kinds of "weird stuff" as you are all aware. Anything from wearing nappies or dressing as dogs in rubber suits to granny porn or dominatric attivities . You name it, men do it. I for one am just "normal" but I have friends who have dabbled in the ridiculous, perverse and kinky stuff believe me.

So your husband is interested in transvestities and anal sex. It doesn't mean he's gay. If he were gay has there been some reason why he's had to hide it? Religious background, conservative family, job issues, shaming the family etc etc? Do you really think he's gay? What other signs are there?

I've had very straight happily married male friends with kids who like to look at other men's knobs. I know strange right? But I bet women compare breast sizes.

It's a fascination which developes into a craving. Comparing size, look, girth and all that comes with being a man and determining who is the alpha male. It's engrained in our uncouncious.

Maybe he is the one who is having fantasies about being dominated. Probably by you! Maybe that's why he's never initiated.

Try changing the routine. Dominate if you feel you can. Apologies to anyone who gets offended by this but stick a finger in his bum during sex. If he freaks then say oops if he doesn't then you're on the right track. Progress to something else. A strap on? Yikes! Not for me but does it mean that's wrong? I know this will be difficult and by all means if this doesn't sit right with you then I'm sorry but maybe you aren't a match in the bedroom. That's not your fault please remember that.

Everyone is different. We all like the same and also different things. We're all unique.

He might feel ashamed of this fantasy about being dominated and I'm betting this is his issue which is why he's keeping quite and won't talk about it properly. Don't judge him or this will make him feel worse.

You are not at fault here. He is but he might have a reason for this. Like I said he might feel ashamed. He might feel you would be disgusted with him for even considering what he maybe really wants.

A different viewpoint is often worth considering. I hope I helped and good luck.

FoxtonFoxFace Sat 27-Aug-16 01:08:31

Fuck me. Did we rewind to 1850?


Has anyone got that 'Behold, a man has arrived' meme thing handy?

ohnoppp Sat 27-Aug-16 01:26:22

Interesting but surely the man also had to give as well as her what he wants

Myshitsexlife Sat 27-Aug-16 07:43:13

Thenaze no we never really did. I suppose I was so glad to have found someone who is actually nice that I shoved all the sex stuff to the back of my mind and ignored it.

I can't understand how he has possibly coped for 2 years with no sex, I am barely managing.

brightspark2 Sat 27-Aug-16 07:54:40

Same here. We are in our second year together. It started dwindling when I had an operation last year and couldn't - then just never got it back. My DP has depression, particularly SAD and has been on half his prescribed dose of an AD which kills libido - as does depression. He doubled it to the proper dose last September and has stayed on that. He went to the docs to look into changing, added another into the mix to aid sleep and was supposed to go back to look into lowering the dose or changing over altogether. I have put on weight since the op too and am heartbroken. The way I see it, our live life is brilliant but our sex life is awful. I hate pressuring him because it's a symptom/side effect but I'm only 52 - and was celibate for 11 years around my 30's. He avoids the subject or hangs his head and says sorry, he'll go to the docs but then doesn't. I think I'm going to have to resign myself to flying solo in that department and look at the rest of this kind, funny, affectionate, loving man that I have.

GreenRut Sat 27-Aug-16 07:58:34

Qwerty, I think you mean well but the op isn't having any sex, so the opportunity to 'stick a finger up his bum' is hardly going to arise. This isn't about him and his niche turn ons, it's about a selfish husband who has no interest in listening to the fact his wife is very unhappy.

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