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Should I end it?

(27 Posts)
rockat Fri 26-Aug-16 14:00:45

Brief history as I'm abroad and ignoring DH.

I split from ex-H in May 2014, we share custody of two boys. I met new partner August 2014, we married last autumn.

He had an alcohol problem when we met although it was months before I realised. It is due to post traumatic stress disorder from working in emergency services. He had a bit of a breakdown then recovered after therapy and time off work.

Since then he has gone back to drinking a few times, going to extreme lengths to hide it, including driving me to the shops drunk to stop me from suspecting, even though he'd lose his job if caught, never mind the risks to me and others. After last time, I made it clear if he touched alcohol again it was over.

Now we are abroad with kids, a few days into a week all inclusive, and he just necked a beer, passing it off as a non-alcoholic beer. He knew instantly that I didn't believe him and has asked if I want him to leave, and/or leave when we get home etc. I'm ignoring him and posting this.

I'm financially and emotionally dependent on him. I love him. I moved my kids into a house he bought for us, in a new area, new school, I couldn't afford to live there without him.

It was only one beer, but that's how it always starts. What do I do?

HuskyLover1 Fri 26-Aug-16 14:12:46

Why isn't he allowed a real beer? It's 2pm. Me and DH don't drink during the day at home, but we do have wine or beer with lunch on holiday. Even more so when it's All Inclusive!

rockat Fri 26-Aug-16 14:14:14

Because he's a (recovering) alcoholic.

wonderingsoul Fri 26-Aug-16 14:16:15

Because he has a drink problem husky.

I dont think you need to split just yet. But ask him to move out for 2 weeks/ a month. Let him know your seriousr then take it from there.

Exh was an alcholohic and he wont change till he hits rock bottom

MrsRonBurgundy Fri 26-Aug-16 14:17:57

Is he in AA or any other programme that is supporting him? Would he consider it if not? I have a family member who hasn't had a drink in 20 years but still needs to attend meetings weekly, it's an ongoing temptation for her and it helps her hugely.

If he took steps to show he was taking his addiction seriously, would you be happy to stay? Not saying that you should be, it's an individual choice. But maybe something to consider?

hownottofuckup Fri 26-Aug-16 14:20:21

'1 is too many, 100 is never enough'
Has he sought any treatment/attended AA at all?

HuskyLover1 Fri 26-Aug-16 14:22:54

Ah. The All Inclusive must be awfully tempting for a recovering alcoholic.

Liiinoo Fri 26-Aug-16 14:23:03

He has a serious alcohol problem. You told him if he touched alcohol again it was over.

Not only has he touched alcohol again, he did it in front of you (and if he's doing it in front of you he is probably doing it when you aren't around ).

You can either stick to your word and end it. He can go home now and start making arrangements to live elsewhere. That might be the shock he needs to start dealing with his drinking.
Or you can go back on your word and allow him to stay. And he will have called your bluff and carry on drinking and lying and endangering himself and others.

I really feel for you - he has put you in a terrible position and the future you had planned for yourself has gone. Whether you stay with him or leave him things are looking very dark.

The sensible thing to do is leave him. Get you and your boys out of that environment, but I am not underestimating how hard that would be. I don't know if I would be that brave - but by staying you are probably storing up more heartache for later - and possibly endangering your children.

At the very least get him to go home now to give you some space and time to think without having to worry about his next drink all the time.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 26-Aug-16 14:54:18

rocket

What Liiiinoo wrote.

He was also drinking before you went on this holiday as well. You told him it was over if he touched alcohol again after that last time and now he has drunk alcohol. If you do not stick to what you have said he will never take you at all seriously; infact I would argue that he does not take you at all seriously now.

The 3cs re alcoholism are also prescient here:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only start when you are completely free of him. Your children also do not need a drunkard as a stepfather.

rockat Fri 26-Aug-16 14:57:26

The thought of leaving him just breaks my heart. He's my perfect other half except for the drinking. I've struggled terribly the last few years, a traumatic incident after my husband left that he helped me recover from, a severe episode of depression, and most recently a diagnosis of epilepsy that knocked me sideways. My youngest has autism and is very challenging, I just feel like I'm going to break if I try to end it but also don't know how to forgive him and let him continue to treat me this way, valuing a beer more than our marriage.

lightlygoholly Fri 26-Aug-16 14:58:33

I think you need to slow down.

You split from the father of your children and met a new man three months later. Fifteen months from splitting with your children's dad you were married and financially and emotionally dependent on a new man.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you really need to take you and your partner out of the equation and think about your children and what's best for them at this stage.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 26-Aug-16 15:10:43

He's my perfect other half except for the drinking.

He is not therefore your perfect other half/husband because this man will always put drinking before you. His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and your children. Alcoholism is a family disease that does not just affect the alcoholic.

Love your own self for a change.

rockat Fri 26-Aug-16 15:16:19

That's a fair enough observation Lightly, although perhaps in context it makes more sense - I was with ex-h for 11 years but the last 5 of those we were just friends. We debating just being friends who co-parented ion the same house until the kids left home but eventually decided to properly split so we could see other people with it being awkward. So I wasn't emotionally trying to recover from my divorce or anything like that.

We did move fast to move in together, which was really because me and the kids were living in a tiny house in a bad area, and DH had the funds to buy a big house in a nice area with good schools, it was a no brainer. He stayed over most nights anyway. I only agreed to move in with him if we got married because I needed a serious show of commitment before I uprooted the children and changed their schools and home etc.

If I was just focussing on them... Well what does that look like? Ignore DH's drinking so they can carry on with minimal disruptions until they are grown up? Or uproot them again? It's lose-lose.

Liiinoo Fri 26-Aug-16 16:20:16

Do not ignore the drinking for the children. Uproot them so they have absolute proof that they are more important to you than your relationship with an alcoholic.

Some people can become dry alcoholics and stay clean for the rest of their lives. If your husband can become one of those people then you can reconcile maybe, but until that day comes keep your kids away from him.

lightlygoholly Fri 26-Aug-16 18:54:09

"I wasn't trying to emotionally recover from my divorce"

No, but your children probably were.

Dozer Fri 26-Aug-16 18:57:35

You didn't know him well before marrying and moved with the DC to be with him, and have found he has some big issues. Best leave.

Dozer Fri 26-Aug-16 18:58:21

If the DC are now in the good schools, hopefully they can stay there if you all move out.

rockat Fri 26-Aug-16 19:14:10

The children didn't find the divorce especially stressful, we did it slowly, still took holidays with ex-h, spent Christmas Day all of us together etc, no fighting. Anyway I'm not sure that has anything to do with this, other than a desire to beat me with the bad mother stick. I do that enough myself, what I need here is good solid advice about what to do about DH and if I'm over-reacting.

MatildaTheCat Fri 26-Aug-16 19:35:29

I'm not sure that you end a marriage because he has lapsed this time. I wouldn't. He's human, on an all inclusive holiday which would be a huge challenge for anyone to resist. The driving incident was shocking. Can you insist on honesty so he doesn't feel the need to lie to you? It sounds as if he is early into recovery and needs more support. Does he attend AA?

I think walking away at this stage is wrong. Maybe he will lapse sometimes. You have to decide if you can live with this and keep supporting you. If he feels threatened and insecure he will certainly drink more.

yes, I do have some experience of this.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 26-Aug-16 19:47:42

Can you insist on honesty so...

He's an alcoholic.

Dozer Sun 28-Aug-16 22:53:36

You're not over reacting: he is not who you thought he was.

TheStoic Mon 29-Aug-16 02:53:38

An alcoholic going to an all-inclusive holiday was a spectacularly bad idea. Stupid of him, and really unsupportive of you.

If you want to work on your relationship, leave your holiday now. Get home, and get some professional help for both of you.

If you want your marriage to end, ask him to leave.

Is there a reason why you are financially dependent on him? If not, that would be the first thing i would fix.

Dozer Mon 29-Aug-16 07:43:53

Yes the holiday was a bad plan, but OP's partner has previously lied to her about his alcoholism (and PTSD?) and numerous relapses, and encouraged her to move areas and become financially dependent. Her primary responsibility is to her DC and herself.

12hours Mon 29-Aug-16 09:53:43

I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is that I was brought up in a household with an acute alcoholic and it was shit. My mum life was ruined from constantly checking on whether he was drinking, weeks roll into months and then into years. Personally I could never live with an alcoholic, I get nervous when I am around someone who is just too drunk. In my experience, they are the best liars you will ever meet, my dad used to hide drink bottles all over the house. Alcoholics will always put drink before anyone and anything else, you need to know that you will always be second best to drink. It's not your fault that you went on an all inclusive holiday, he should never have agreed to it and is doing this drinking now as if to say well we are here and there is alcohol and how could you expect me to control myself with all the alcohol around me. They have a knack of making you feel guilty. I do not think your children should be around this man when he is drinking. An alcoholic (recovering or not) is always an alcoholic, they are never over the addiction and able to have just a few.

Again, I cannot tell you what to do, only you know, but I can tell you that living in an environment like that when you are young can completely mess your head up. You can be insecure, anxious, feel worthless and it's also very embarrassing when you are a kid.

I could go on but I won't. I don't think you need to be taking the responsibility for this, he is an adult, not your child. I am really sorry to sound harsh, but you need to know how it is for children involved in this.

Please look after yourself. Xxx

SandyY2K Mon 29-Aug-16 15:07:24

Is he going to have another drink after that one? Has he already done that?

One thing about threats or ultimatums is that you must be prepared to follow through on them. You said you'd leave if he drank again, without thinking it through.

Now if you look at alcohol as an addiction, then he needs help. Professional help and I really think you should have both thought about how this all inclusive holiday would affect his recovery.

Can you imagine trying to diet on an all inclusive holiday? It's way to tempting.

If he is willing to get into a recovery programme on your return, then I think you should give him another chance.

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