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Why do I always have to be the one making the tough decisions?

(14 Posts)
JellyBean31 Fri 26-Aug-16 12:01:46

Long story...EA marriage that I left in September 2014. He went round giving everyone the "poor me my wife has left me" routine (ffs I still have some of MY relatives asking me with a really sorrowful look "aww...how is he since you left him"?)

So almost 2 years later I'm finally feeling less guilty about it all. 2 teenage DS who stayed with him in the family home, both now really well adjusted, totally accept the split and my relationship with both of them is brilliant.

No divorce proceedings started yet, we agreed to wait for 2 yrs separation and then DS2 would be at uni and the house could go up for sale. I've been renting for 2 years.

He got his A level results last week, just missed out on his first choice uni(about an hour & a half away) but was accepted by his insurance choice (local). Last night we are discussing finances and he decides that financially he'll be so much better off living at home that he probably won't go into Halls after all, he'll stay "at home" with his Dad. I felt like such a selfish bitch, but I had to remind him that "home" needs to be sold.

I now feel like I'm going to be guilt tripped into putting off the house sale for another year. Obviously I don't want my son to be struggling for money and if I could afford to give him the £5500 I would as I think part of the university experience is living away from home, but this feels like such a massive game changer for me moving forward.

I know I have to have a conversation with stbxh about it (we don't talk at all as there's no need for us to). I have a significant birthday next week and while people are saying don't spoil your celebrations by talking to him before then, I kind of feel like it's already spoiled with this looming over me.

It feels like, I'm the hard bitch that left and now I'm going to be the hard bitch that forces a house sale!!!

Missgraeme Fri 26-Aug-16 12:16:30

U are also entitled to move on with your life. Your ds is old enough to grasp that too. Him and df can get somewhere together if that's what they want. But u need to plan your future too. And that's harsly being selfish at all!

JellyBean31 Fri 26-Aug-16 13:39:13

I guess I'd just convinced myself over the last 23 months that when the time came to sell, things would go smoothly (naively maybe!) - this fist spanner in the works feels like a taste of things to come and making me dread the whole situation.

Both my DS know the house is being sold in theory, but they just don't grasp that there will be fundamental changes to the dynamics of their relationships with each other & their DF moving from a huge detached 4 bedroomed house with a massive garden to (probably) a 3 bedroomed terraced house with a yard!

LesisMiserable Sun 28-Aug-16 10:56:35

I moved from a huge detached 7 bedroom house with a double garage and Jacuzzi in the spacious gardens to a three bedroom corner semi with a bit of decking to the side - both I and my Dd are blissfully happy - why on earth does the size of the house matter?? Are your sons particularly materialistic?

Northernparent68 Sun 28-Aug-16 13:17:55

The usual arrangement is that the house is not sold until the children have finished full education, can you really not wait ?

HappyJanuary Sun 28-Aug-16 13:42:40

I'd carry on renting rather than force the sale. As pp said, usual to wait until DC have left full time education. Any reason why you can't continue renting? I'd do that happily to save my child £5k pa.

ThatStewie Sun 28-Aug-16 13:47:26

Sell it. Your kids aren't keep DD anymore but adults. They wil not be harmed by moving into a smaller house

sophiestew Sun 28-Aug-16 13:54:09

In my area the usual arrangement is that the house gets sold when the youngest child finishes secondary education.

If DS wants to live with his Dad he still can surely? Is the equity being split? What was XH planning to do? Downsize? Surely DS just lives with XH in the smaller house then?

annielouise Sun 28-Aug-16 13:59:21

The usual arrangement is a house is not sold until the children have finished school - i.e. 18, not until they have finished education completely at 21. University is optional and they're adults at 18 so can technically go and get a job and find somewhere to live. Up until 18 they're dependants although some leave home at 16.

OP have the talk about selling the house if that's what you want. Even if it goes on sale in September it might be a while before it sells. Your DS might get the whole year living there. He might not. If he doesn't he spends the remainder of the time living wherever his dad lives next or moves in with you for a few months or gets a bedsit. It'll be fine.

JellyBean31 Sun 04-Sep-16 14:29:34

Thanks for the input. I did wait until my youngest had finished full time education, surely uni doesn't count? Theoretically, he could go on to do masters & doctorate and be in full time education till his 30s!!!!

My so 's are not materialistic, but they're lucky enough to both have large rooms & double beds. A 3 bedroomed house for 50% of the value of their current house will mean 1 room is a single. I know they will get on with it but I just want to minimise their disruption as much as possible. Obviously one of then moving in with me is also an option but unlikely as they now have a dog!

JellyBean31 Sun 04-Sep-16 14:32:20

And to those of you who wonder why I don't just carry on renting.... Why should I??? I've had to take a 2nd job to afford the rent in our area and i paid into that house for 20 years... Surely 2 years is long enough to wait?

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 14:38:32

OP, I think as you get older you need to get your own housing situation sorted. It wouldn't surprise me if your EA ex has put the idea into your son's head about staying put. And then as you say, he'll do an MA, a PhD...

No - the agreement was that the house would be sold. Your son can go to student accommodation or he can live with his dad - there's nothing to stop that happening. You've suffered by moving from your house - now it's time for the house to be sold.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 04-Sep-16 14:55:43

Your husband was emotionally abusive, therefore he almost certainly won't agree to the family home being sold and the equity split. He'll likely hang on and make you go to court to force a sale. Do all this as part of the divorce proceedings.

I see no reason why you should hang on until your son finishes Uni if the split of equity would mean that both of you could afford to move on and buy separately. Your son could either move with his father, live with you or go into halls or shared rented accommodation.

sophiestew Sun 04-Sep-16 15:13:38

You really do have to stick to the original agreement OP and tell them the house has to be sold.

They are all adults. If they don't like having a single room then they make alternative arrangements. They could live with you, with friends, in halls etc etc.

It does sound like you have put your life on hold, and this cannot go on interminably. Good luck.

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