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Please tell me we can make it?!

(25 Posts)
user1470822179 Fri 26-Aug-16 10:37:21

Ok here goes, I'm new here, like others I've always followed posts but now I feel I really need some advice!
I will keep this as short as I can but that's not easy.
My fiancé runs his own company, my best friend lost her job, I offered her a position within said company and I offered to look after her 3 children whilst she worked.
We supplied her with one of our work cars to use not only for work but for personal use as well as her hubby worked abroad a lot and frequently took the car leaving her without one.
Autumn last year I was feeling something wasn't quite right, I checked his phone and found some texts sent between them (I want to lie with you and lick you all over) I flew down the office and confronted them both, I also spoke with her husband who turned up too.
They both denied anything had happened and said it was just a laugh between work colleagues and they all did it as a joke bla bla bla.
We went off on a pre planned holiday within a few days, my fiancé went the whole week treating me like his princess telling me how much he loved me and our 3 children and that he would never do that to us.
Now fast forward to 8 weeks ago, me still convinced that something happened back then.
We are on a night time flight with the children, I receive a phone all from her husband stating that I was right! She had admitted it late the night before after a few drinks, she was in love with my fiancé! They had been sleeping together a couple of times a month at work! Sneaking off to any random public place to do it. Anal. Oral, normal, you name it, they did it! He looked at me and said its true and I'm so so sorry, I love it you n want to spend my life with you!
So, I spent two weeks abroad going completely insane trying to act normal for the children, it was hell! But it was also kinda a good thing as it stopped me walking out!
He's constantly apologising, telling me how stupid he's been, he doesn't know why he did it as its me he wants and always has been, I know we had drifted apart a bit but I never expected this!
The ow has moved back to her home town, he has block d her number, email etc so no contact has been made.
It turns out the affair added a couple of months ago when she confessed her love for him n he finished it saying he realised what an idiot he had been n that it was me he was in love with, so, I think she told her hubby for revenge, to make me leave and try to get him for herself.
He's trying so very hard with me, he's told me everything, admitted everything, he's told me that he completely understands if I want to leave but it would kill him if I did.
We have been back off holiday a good few weeks now, the relationship has been amazing and he wants to plan the wedding for next spring.
I love him more than anything, he will be my second husband as the last one cheated, I left. I never thought it possible to be so hurt, so angry and hate someone yet love them so much at the same time!
He hates himself for hurting me and hates himself because he has no reason for doing what he did. He said he feels sick at the thought of it n wishes he knew why he did it as he didn't even fancy her.
Is there anyone else who has been through this and survived or am I clutching at straws? It was just sex, he never took her out, had feelings etc.
I'm 40 this year, we have 3 wonderful children, house, cars, company, employees etc. I really don't want to give her the satisfaction of me walking away! I want to marry him and move on, accept that we drifted apart, me working all hours, selfishly loving my job and being at work, him in a rut, same stuff day in day out. Can this work?

AnyFucker Fri 26-Aug-16 10:43:46

In my opinion, no

He only came clean because he got caught. The illicit shagging would still be giving him a thrill at your expense right now if that wasn't the case.

Mainly though, the reason I think this is doomed is because you are taking responsibility for his actions and he will end up having no consequences for them

LolaStarr Fri 26-Aug-16 10:45:47

It depends if you feel you can move past it and if you can trust him again. I personally wouldn't be able to.

PepsiPenguin Fri 26-Aug-16 10:51:27

Agree with AnyFucker, he ended it/confessed because he got caught, and you do somewhat seem to be blaming yourself.

And I refuse to believe he didn't "fancy" her, he liked her enough to have a lot of sex with her, decieve you on a regular basis, send sex messages, lie to you about when confronted he put your relationship at risk all the time knowing you had been cheated on before.

A drunken one night thing you could maybe a big fucking maybe put down to a one off mistake, but this - in my opinion no, your better off without him.

Joysmum Fri 26-Aug-16 10:52:03

If he could do that to you whilst things were ok, what's he capable of when life gets challenging?

Your first marriage ended because he cheated, why would you want to marry somebody else that doesn't love and respect you enough to remain faith, all fir a bit of fun that didn't mean anything confused

RedMapleLeaf Fri 26-Aug-16 10:54:58

My fiancé runs his own company, my best friend lost her job, I offered her a position within said company and I offered to look after her 3 children whilst she worked.

So you were looking after 6 children? You must be exhausted.

They had been sleeping together a couple of times a month at work! Sneaking off to any random public place to do it. Anal. Oral, normal, you name it, they did it!

I'm so sorry you've heard all of the gory details. Normally even small details of an affair don't come out at such an early stage.

ProseccoBitch Fri 26-Aug-16 10:55:44

I'm so sorry, this must have been horrible for you. Personally I couldn't stay with someone if I found out they'd cheated, it's something I would never do and I know I could never get over it and would never trust them again. Thoughts of it would pop up when I was least wanting/expecting them to and it would drive me mad.

Tabsicle Fri 26-Aug-16 10:56:24

Oh god, don't say you were selfish for loving your job. I'm normally a big believer in affairs as a symptom of things being wrong, but if your fiance is saying the thing that was wrong was you being happy and successful, then that's a massive red sign.

Also, don't stay with him to prove a point to her. That won't make you happy long term, or be good for your kids. Stay if you think the relationship still has good in it and could make you both happy. I'm not sure it can.

Branleuse Fri 26-Aug-16 10:59:26

Im sorry OP, but youre kidding yourself. Hes shown you quite clearly that hes capable of massively betraying you, and acting completely normally while hes screwing your friend. He came clean because he was caught out. If you stay with him youre in for a life of misery. Please do yourself a favour and call off the engagement xx

hownottofuckup Fri 26-Aug-16 11:01:36

No, I don't think so. I know it isn't something I was able to get past (and my story was nothing like as bad as yours).
I think whatever you had, unfortunately he's killed it by sleeping with someone else, your friend, over a sustained period.
I know it's tempting to try and maintain the status quo, but ime you're just setting yourself up for more heartache and dragging the whole thing out to it's shitty and inevitable conclusion.

Missgraeme Fri 26-Aug-16 11:02:43

A wedding ring won't change him. And it won't make u forgive and forget either.

Trifleorbust Fri 26-Aug-16 11:05:28

I don't think I could forgive this, because I would always be looking at him without trust and I couldn't bear it.

ElspethFlashman Fri 26-Aug-16 11:07:53

Of course the relationship has been amazing since. Google "hysterical bonding". Very normal to happen after an affair has been discovered.

Cabrinha Fri 26-Aug-16 11:08:13

Yes you can come back from this stronger than ever.'
Because it's all your fault.

What a selfish bitch you are, concentrating on work instead of him.

No wonder he went elsewhere for anal and everything else.

It'll be fine, once you've closed your eyes to the truth you first time, it'll probably be easier next time. And the next. You won't drive yourself mad looking for signs, because you won't care as much any more when he does it.

FFS, don't rush into marrying this cheating arsehole.

Can't you at least make him work for it a little bit?

Lovey, this is not your fault.

Crystal15 Fri 26-Aug-16 11:12:16

Judge him on his actions. Not his words. He deceived you in the biggest possible way. It wasn't a drunken mistake or something in the midst of a breakdown. It was long term cheating and he only admitted it once she did and he had no way out. None of that to me shows he loves you. It shows he doesn't respect you or the relationship and he Will do as he likes of he believes he won't get caught.

mummyto2monkeys Fri 26-Aug-16 12:35:52

You have been completely betrayed by the two people who should have your back. You sound lovely op and I think your dp is completely taking advantage of your good nature and your willingness to make things work. You have heard explicit details of their sordid affair which leaves your hurt imagination to run riot! I couldn't continue to sleep next to a man who has degraded our marriage, with his sordid affair. Your partner obviously enjoyed the sex, he enjoyed the hiding and the lying and the excitement of having an affair. What happens when he next gets bored of everyday life? Who will he choose next? I just hope that you will find the strength to leave this coward, as you deserve to be treated so much better!!!!!!

MrsJackAubrey Fri 26-Aug-16 12:50:21

I think it is possible to get over an affair.

Life is long, forgiveness is possible, people change, mature, grow.

We all make mistakes - horrendous ones, many of us - and if there was no forgiveness, or love, or compassion, and if people who claim to love us just walk away when we fuck up, well, that's a sad old place to be.

Saying 'he obviously enjoyed the hiding and the lying and the excitement of having an affair' is utter fantasy - it is possible that he felt guilty, torn, ashamed, and full of self loathing.

MrsJackAubrey Fri 26-Aug-16 12:52:30

ps. you're a bit crazy having 3 kids with someone before marrying them though, especially if you have joint interest in the business.

You've rather put all your eggs in that basket OP haven't you?

HuskyLover1 Fri 26-Aug-16 13:06:08

I'm struggling to see how you were looking after 6 kids, AND working?

And you took a call on a flight? Didn't think that was even possible?

Anyway, that's by the by.

He said he feels sick at the thought of it n wishes he knew why he did it as he didn't even fancy her

^^ This comment worries me the most. So what do you think will happen, when he has dealings with a woman that he finds stunning?

If he is able to shag someone who is:

a) more off limits than most, as she's your friend
b) he has no feelings for
c) he doesn't find attractive

Then really, he is capable of anything.

And as for her, what a prize bitch after all the help you gave her.

Bin them both. You deserve more.

hownottofuckup Fri 26-Aug-16 13:42:40

Unnecessary comment Jack the words horse and bolted spring to mind, what an utterly pointless comment.

PepsiPenguin Fri 26-Aug-16 13:48:52

Just came back on to see how the OP was doing and hope she doesn't come back to see that comment Jack very condescending you just needed to add a waggly finger and put you other arm on your hip.

Your all full of we must love and give forgiveness for the cockwomble who cheated on her with her friend whilst the OP was looking after this OW kids, but sticking it to the OP about her living circumstances.

ample Fri 26-Aug-16 14:23:54

I would take the ow and her intentions out of the equation.
If it was your sister, friend or daughter asking you advice in this position, would you be so encouraging to make it work? Take a step back and see him for what he is. He's only sorry because the facts of the affair are out in the open now. As for his excuses...

..Man has sex with ow. Man has sex with ow who he didn't really fancy.
Oh well maybe that's not too bad then hmm

Infidelity is infidelity regardless of how he felt or didn't feel towards the ow.
You have a lot invested but I really think you are kidding yourself that it will work out. Stop taking blame - he repeatedly had sex with another woman. You deserve better - he doesn't think so.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 26-Aug-16 14:54:07

Sorry Jack didn't realise her marrying him & then having 3 kids would've stopped him being a cheating arsehole... hmm

hellsbellsmelons Fri 26-Aug-16 15:02:15

Some couples can come back from infidelity.
Some people can't.
It really depends on you and your deal breakers.
From the affair you describe - no way could I forgive that.
But then I can't forgive cheating. It's why I ending things with my ExH.
But that is MY deal breaker.
What do you think he needs to do to enable you to get over this and get things back on track?
Are you having counselling?
Is he having counselling?
I personally think if he can do to you with one of your friends then he's an absolute c*nt with no morals and no respect for women at all.

user1470822179 Fri 26-Aug-16 16:20:39

Thank you guys, obviously certain details are changed to protect me and my children. I am trying to make this work I'm well aware of what he's done and all the details were his answers to my questions after asking for complete honesty. I know people who have been through this and came out the other side I just wanted to know if any were here. I am an English teacher and therefore having children and them travelling to and from school with me was not an issue.

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