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I'm going with my gut feeling on this, but my heart is broken

(27 Posts)
AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 09:55:07

Ok so, dp of a year and a half love him, we are best friends and good sex life. All good BUT his work commitments mean he an work up to 80 hours a week and I have 2 DC to previous partner. Due to his work commitments the lack of time spent together is causing a strain. We've been bickering about it for a good few months now, but the last few weeks have turned into full blown arguments. We used to sleep over together and don't anymore, this annoys me. It's been argued about so much I've run out of energy. His side is he just going to be asleep and up early anyway so doesn't see the point. For me it's more an intimacy/comfort thing. I feel like if I don't walk away from it we arguments will never stop and we will end up resenting each other. He has last night offered to re-think how things are working out after me saying this was the end of the road, but to be honest I don't hold out much hope. Everything else is great it's just this issue and i should add, if I suggest going dinner when we are free hes says no he's tired. It's just got mundane and although I love him to bits I just don't think I can live like that anymore.

Sorry for the rant, I needed to get it out. I have doubt I'm doing the right thing.

Aussiebean Fri 26-Aug-16 10:02:17

80 hours a week to two full time jobs. Unless he is willing to make changes to his work commitments it looks like work comes before you and a family life.

I think letting it go is a good idea. He is likely to be tired until retirement.

Joysmum Fri 26-Aug-16 10:06:26

I think letting this go is a good idea too if his hours aren't temporary, even if things were good before.

If things were good before and the hours are temporary then I'd consider waiting it out to give it a chance when things settled back to normal.

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 10:08:04

It's not always an 80+ hour week yes he likely to be tired until retirement, that made my laugh a bit! I think I know I'm doing the right thing.

My 2dc are not his. He has been around them, not a lot though due to work etc! It's such a god damn shame but I don't want to spent the rest of my days like this

Joysmum Fri 26-Aug-16 10:09:51

Good for you for being realistic and taking the initiative. So many would accept bad as being good enough purely to be in a relationship.

Best of luck flowers

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 10:11:33

That's been my problem JOY I don't know and he can't guarantee how long these hours will go on for. He's says he's not happy about it but can't get out of it at the moment confused.

I did try to hang on and grit my teeth but I can't stand the arguments it causes. Seems like I'm right to go with my gut feeling. Thank you

PastoralCare Fri 26-Aug-16 11:38:58

I can see that for him, if the little time he spends with you he perceives as you ambushing him to have an argument, it's not going to be pleasant. So maybe that's why he doesn't feel like sleeping over.

Also, men problem-solution machines. So again, if you highlight a problem but he can't see a solution (for whatever reason) he wont want to discuss it. Then you'll feel like he doesn't care and you're in a downward spiral again.

I agree that it's likely not going to work.

The last option for you is to try to have a pleasant non confrontational environment in your next meetings. Maybe this will change his mind associations.

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 11:49:31

Agree with you there Pastorl, another reason why I don't want to carry on flogging a dead horse. I'd rather walk away with some respect for each other than end up destroying our relationship completely with an pointless arguing. We actually have had a few decent discussions about it, it's not all arguing chaos. We had such a fantastic relationship before this, never argued. So this is hard for both of us to deal with.

It's going to be better in the long run, it just stings a lot just now.

Thank you all for your advice, it's helping me stay focused on what's right to do when the doubt starts to creep in.

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 11:51:52

To add we have managed to talk about it and not descend it into an arguement. I just feel I need a break from the whole situation and clear my head a bit. I'm getting far to frustrated at the moment

Dozer Fri 26-Aug-16 11:53:38

His working hours / workaholism clearly means his relationships/you (and, in due course, your DC) are of much lower priority to him.

If you are content longer term with just having a bf and not seeing him v much, and he has no involvement with your DC, that could possibly work. If you are looking for more, best end it now.

TheoriginalLEM Fri 26-Aug-16 11:54:49

so he comes around, has sex and leaves? too tired to go for dinner though? please tell me you don't cook for him. he is using you. flowers

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 12:00:17

LEM, crikey no it's nowhere near as grim as that. I don't feel used. No I don't cook for him he is usually working when we are eating. I'm not the world best cook anyway so I wouldn't honestly blame him if he did eat at home regardless. All other parts of our relationship are fine. It's just the long term effect his work commitments are having on our relationship which I feel is forcing to to take a step back. Really hard thing to do when you both love each other and get on well otherwise

TheoriginalLEM Fri 26-Aug-16 12:02:39

could he alter his work commitments? it paints a pretty lonely picture fromwhere im sitting

ParisGellar Fri 26-Aug-16 12:09:08

It sounds like he just doesn't want to be with you. He's distancing himself. I'd get rid of him, not that you really see him much anyway. Sorry op sad. You must be miserable.

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 12:13:44

LEM i don't know as there is various factors involved in his work life. I don't think it would be a case of him rocking up to work next week and saying I can't work so much and then live happily ever after. If imagine it would have to be a gradual thing. Also I don't want to be nagging at him constantly as its only going make it more stressful all round , so I think a break is best. If he decided he wants to alter his work commitments and balance with our relationship then that can be discussed later down the line.

I'm trying to be rational about this at times I want to stamp my feet and cry winechocolate on the menu tonight

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 12:16:10

Paris at times it feels like that, but like I said earlier he has said he's going to have a think about what he can do to sort it. I'm just taking a step back for my own sanity.

Dozer Fri 26-Aug-16 13:39:09

It's not "rational" to stay in a relationship with someone very likely to work extreme hours and/or with workaholic tendencies, if you want to be a high priority and spend time together.

TheNaze73 Fri 26-Aug-16 13:51:17

I think you're doing the right thing OP. No one is in the wrong here, I have friends in the medical profession who do those sort of hours & they're all dedicated to their careers, not their partners. Don't think he'll change, sounds like a life vacation rather than just a job & I for one, would never want to change anyone

Dozer Fri 26-Aug-16 13:53:37

I also wouldn't want this to be a role model of relationships for my DC.

I know many married people with this kind of set up. Women AH or working very PT and men working very long hours, sometimes with travel. Works for some, but isn't what I would personally want or for my DC to see.

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 16:41:16

Thanks Naze it's just life I guess, can't always get what you want.

Dozer, just to clarify DC have their own father and have a good relationship/ regular contact. I do understand what you are saying although that wasn't an issue. Further down the line maybe but there won't be a further down the line unless the work/relationship can be fixed

LellyMcKelly Fri 26-Aug-16 16:44:12

You cannot change a workaholic. I used to shout at mine every now and again, and things would get better for a while, but eventually you find yourself sitting at home alone every night, wondering why work is more exciting than you.

Dozer Fri 26-Aug-16 16:46:05

My point was more that the relationships they see you (and their father) have will influence them.

AndDontCallMeShirley Fri 26-Aug-16 17:01:39

Lelly,I wouldn't want to change someone, not really real if your forcing someone to do something. God this is depressing, DC going away for weekend winecakechocolate as soon as I get their behinds out the door and shut it grin.
*
Dozer* they're hasn't been a lot of contact with dc anyway I wasn't in any rush to do that. We only ever stayed over before it stopped, when DC were away. They had met him a couple of times as my friend and loved him.

Thanks all for your help, I need to get my big girl pants on a get on with it

Iflyaway Fri 26-Aug-16 23:52:53

Well, unless he's working double a normal week to clear debts or on the career ladder and can see the horizon in the near future, this would indicate how it will be for ever then.

I'm a single mum too. It's a hard fucking slog. So when - wow! - someone comes into your life that gives a promise of a new relationship I'm not going to fucking wait around singly - cos that's our basis already.

It's a waste of our precious alone time we could put into other directions, whether hobbies, friendships, alone time, whatever.

As the saying goes, shape up or ship out - and stop wasting my time and energy.

AndDontCallMeShirley Sat 27-Aug-16 00:25:27

Iflyaway id imagine at some point he MIGHT slow down on the work side of things. But I'm not prepared to hang about and see IF that happens.

Your post is exactly how I feel. It's tough going juggling kids, work etc. I'm 31, spent 90% of my twenties in a serious relationship. Although I have my dcs and wounding change that for the world, I knew deep down the relationship wasn't right but got my head down and got on with it. I'll be damned if I'm going to spend my 30s with Mr Wrong. Even if I do spend it by myself with the dcs it's better than being in a relationship for the sake of it.

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