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AIBU about DH's friend (male)?

(3 Posts)
Remoteready Thu 25-Aug-16 17:45:30

When DH and I first met he was 37 and he was living with a lodger (aged 25) because he'd just finished a LTR and he wanted some company. DH owned the house. Let's call the lodger Adam.

Adam didn't have a job and was paying DH rent from casino wins on blackjack and poker. As these wins went up and down, Adam would sometimes meet his rent and sometimes not. There's always been a part of DH that is quite fascinated by gambling and poker games in particular, so he used to go and watch Adam play and dabble a bit himself. He began to see Adam as a "poker guru." Some of their text conversations that I have seen over the years are absolutely fixated on poker and the different hands you get, probabilities and how you bluff people. They text for hours about it.

As DH and I got more serious we started looking into buying somewhere jointly and talked about our finances, only for me to discover that Adam owed DH tens of thousands of pounds on loans for gambling debts and missed rent. DH very reluctantly admitted this as he had already spent a lot of energy "selling" Adam and his skills to his other friends and I, concealing the fact that Adam owed him so much money and was basically taking advantage of him.

It transpired that Adam had also got debts elsewhere - to a strip club (God knows how?) to other friends, living beyond his means etc. all together Adam was identified as a wrong 'un by everybody and DH grew a pair and issued him with a list of costs and threw him out of the house. Adam moved back to his home town, got a job and lived with his parents to try and pay back the debts.

DH was prepared to chalk it up to experience and expected not to be paid back, however in the years that have followed we have seen a slow flow of money from Adam back into mine and DH's joint account. Adam has regularly and now completely paid DH back, with interest, for all the money he borrowed. DH and I have since had two kids and a few assets that we own jointly.

Since Adam has "redeemed" himself in DH's eyes, he has now moved back to our city and he and DH are seeing each other every day. It started with daily texting again, talking about poker, then moved into DH advising him where to rent a flat, then DH going with him to view the flat, read the tenancy agreement etc. now DH has told me he is taking some stuff we don't need (cutlery, plates, bed linen) over to Adam's new flat to plug the gap before Adam goes out and has to buy his own.

Adam has been back in this city for 5 days and already DH has seen him every day for something or to help him. I have complained and got annoyed the more it transpires that errands around Adam's life have filled DH's days when we have DC at home that DH could pay attention to. DH insisted he didn't see him yesterday but I felt intuitively that DH was lying and told him so. He then admitted that he had met Adam for dinner (!) on the way home from work before he had come home for dinner with me and kids. And he had withheld that info from me because he knew it would make me angry. Then pointed out that my reaction to his withholding of that info (ie anger) was proof that he was right.

Tomorrow DH needs help lifting a chest of drawers up the stairs. I have offered to do it with him but he says it's too heavy for me (he could be right) and of course, ADAM is the only person who is available tomorrow to come and do it.

Plus he tells me Adam has bought presents for the kids and wants to see me (as if that's going to win me over.) yesterday a package arrived (supposedly in the post) for DS from Adam, full of clothes and toys.

Every time I tell DH I do not want this man back in our lives because I know he will take advantage again, DH tells me I am being mean, holding grudges and not giving him a chance now he has redeemed himself. He says "poor Adam. Give him a chance to put things right."

If I get pernickety about where and when DH has been if he doesn't come straight home after work, and who he is texting when he is absorbed in his phone (it's always Adam,) he calls me controlling. And yes maybe I am becoming that way because I find this whole friendship ridiculous and farcical.

DH has quite a lot of money saved, and I know that Adam knows this. I feel that the money borrowing all those years ago was only the beginning, and Adam has a much longer plan with DH this time. Adam is quite charismatic and always full of "business ideas" that he needs money for and DH for some reason is charmed by him and gives him a lot of attention and he believes my theories about Adam to be "conspiracy theories."

Also DH lost his younger brother during his teenage years and has since had a weakness for "fraternal" type relationships where he care takes and counsels other men about a decade younger than him as some kind of replacement. He admits this when I bring it up.

Before you say anything - DH is not gay and neither is Adam. I have seen most text conversations between them and their entire friendship centres obsessively around poker and making money and them both "advising" each other on things.

Am I being a bitch? And if I'm not, WWYD?

Missgraeme Thu 25-Aug-16 17:54:20

Maybe let Adam back into your lives as a family and not just dh friend. No more sneaking off to spend time with him - together time only. That way dh gets to still inuence Adam without Adam badly intending dh behind your back. If Adams intentions are genuine he will be happy with this arrangement (dh also). Remind dh that all monies are joint and he isn't to go behind your back and get back to the way things were financially before.Make it clear Adam is back on your terms or not at all. Maybe the kids would enjoy some goodies from 'uncle Adam' and dh may be more use to u when he is trying to impress Adam!!

ElspethFlashman Thu 25-Aug-16 17:59:05

You are married now. Your family money is jointly owned. Before, it was only his money and he could be as stupid as he wanted with it.

So when you say "DH has a lot of money saved", change it to WE.

Adam has paid everything back with interest and so far I imagine it's your DH doing a lot of the running. So Im not sure you have grounds for effectively banning the friendship. Your DH clearly thirsts for a brother relationship.

But I'd keep a very VERY close eye on those savings account statements.

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