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Worried my marriage is over(12 Posts)
Me and DH have been having issues for about a year now. It feels a bit epic, I've posted before, and I don't want to drip feed, so I'll try to summarise.
We have a son who is nearly two. DH is a brilliant dad, we genuinely co-parent, but it's like DS is the only important thing anymore for both of us.
DH can be very moody and PA in arguments, and so we decided to go to counselling which we did about 6 months ago. DH told me in these sessions that he just doesn't find me attractive any more, and feels I should lose weight. He's also been quite disparaging about other issues, upper lip hair for example (I'm quite dark).
I've been for a course of laser treatment on my lip, and I've tried to diet, but I've got to be honest, my heart isn't in it - I can't help but feel that if it's not one thing, it's another.
My self confidence is completely shot, and I'm not sure I can go on feeling inadequate. I feel like I might be better off on my own, but it feels like a terrifying step.
We've talked about separating, all our fights seem to lead to the conversation coming back up, but there's such huge implications for our son, and our finances, that we just end up saying that we will 'try harder'. But I never feel like he does much of the trying.
We hadn't had sex in about 5 months, and we just had a week's holiday together without DS. It was pleasant and we got on ok, but when we finally had sex (we obviously both felt we 'should ') it was awkward. Knowing he isn't attracted to me makes me feel less attracted to him and I'm mentally picking fault now.
I kinda feel like I can do better with the next 40 or so years of my life than being with someone who doesn't seem that excited by me. But divorce terrifies me, and I'm worried about the implications for our son.
Ramble ramble, sorry.
Any words of wisdom? Any marriages come back from this?
You need to ask yourself this, what are you modeling relationship wise for your ds?
You have the right to a happy life, if that means you and your dh split up then that is what should happen.
Your ds is very young, it would be better for him to have his parents separate now rather than when he is older.
Do you have any family or friends that can support you? I would also advocate asking for a counselling referal via your gp, a safe space to sort out your feelings and to support you whilst things change is a good idea.
I go by the mantra that you only get one life, so why spend most of it being unhappy? I remember an aunt of mine who lost her husband after 40 years of marriage telling me how the following years after his death were the best years of her life. She had lived with someone who was controlling and criticised everything she did, but had stayed with him because of the children, who now both live abroad. How awful must it be to live a large bulk of your life in an unhappy relationship? You should get your ducks in a row, ie sort out finances etc, then walk away. It doesn't sound like he brings anything positive to the relationship, and if you lost weight, I'm sure he would come up with something else to justify his behaviour. Your son is at an age where it will be easier to make the split now rather than in another five years. Good luck OP with whatever you decide to do.
Speaking as a child who's parents stayed together ''for the sake of the kids''. It was awful! Even from a fairly young age I remember sensing the tension and arguments (that's were meant to be quiet discussion-neither of my parents are very ''shouty''). As I got older I resented my dad for not paying my mum much attention and making her feel sad.
They split up when I was in my early teens and it was like a new family and it was fantastic and I wish to this day that they'd have done it sooner.
Speaking from a woman's perspective. I really don't know how I'd stay with someone who doesn't even find me attractive. This will be damaging your self esteem and self confidence, everyone wants to feel wanted by someone and that should be the person your are married too.
Maybe go to CAB and get some advice on how you would cope financially if you split. You are both clearly not in this relationship fully and I agree with pp that you only have one life, do you want to live it unhappy?
Sometimes when the emotional connection no longer seems to be there, partner doesn't want to have sex, is moody and critical, it's because they have a shiny new toy - someone else. I'm sorry to raise the possibility.
Regarding your concerns about your son: my parents separated when I was 4/5 (it was such a non-event I don't even remember what age I was) and my brother, who was even younger, and I often talk about how grateful we are that they separated, and so early. Sometimes we imagine an alternative life where they had stayed together, and the thought genuinely horrifies us. They are fantastic parents, but not two people who should live together!
Personally I cannot imagine being with a person who has picked apart my appearance in the way you are describing. I would never want to take my clothes off in front of that person again. Surely you deserve to be with someone who is attracted to the body type you have and doesn't care if you have a bit of hair in your upper lip? Surely you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved, happy, appreciated. Or at least NOT with someone who makes you feel 'inadequate' and where your 'confidence is shot.'
Thanks for your responses everyone.
I think part of it is being scared of being alone - especially as I feel so unlovely at the moment. But even I can see that it's probably better to live alone with a chance to find someone that makes me happy, than to live with someone who makes me feel a bit crap.
He doesn't really have many good friends, so I'm not sure where he'd go if I asked him to move out. Our finances are very much combined, and we're not loaded, so it wouldn't be possible to go to a hotel.
Ideally I feel like I want some space to think things through properly.
How dare he make you feel shit about yourself? How dare he criticise your weight and body hair? For someone who's supposed to love you, that's shocking behaviour. I can't believe the couple's counselling let him get away with it
although if it was Relate I can believe it.
What has he done then? Has he lost weight? Gone to the gym? Pulled his weight with childcare and housework? Organised lovely dates for the two of you? No?!!!
Please LTB. You deserve so much better than him. But even if you don't meet anyone else, being alone would be better than being with him. And you can still be good co-parents apart.
Just saw your other thread. I don't suppose there are prizes for guessing that the "counsellor" was a Relate one
He doesn't love you at all. The fact that he is making such personal, critical, horrible statements about you means he has no feelings for you. He has checked out of your marriage - he's gone.
And tbh, you are well rid. Overweight or not, hairy upper lip or not - true love encompasses this. You are worth more. You deserve better - seriously. You probably don't believe me but honestly, take it from one who's been there and come out the other side - you will be better off without.
Op CAB may help you to see what kind of help financially is out there for you should you decide to split up.
You do deserve to be in a loving relationship, not one that puts you down and crushes you.
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