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Am i able to forgive?

(12 Posts)
Heartonmysleeve1 Thu 25-Aug-16 07:29:45

I'm abit all over the place at the moment so please be kind to me.

I've been with DH for 6 years, married for two. We have three DC eldest is from a past relationship, my youngest is just 4 months old.

I had a terrible time prior to meeting DH when my ex had been having an affair behind my back and left me for the OW. I was very young at the time and had a small baby. It was a hard time in my life I was quite depressed and lost a considerable amount of weight boarding on annoxeria. I began going out socialising with friends and meet DH would I adored, we moved in together got engaged and I thought I finally had my happy ending.

I found messages old ones from 5 years ago asking an events promoter to delete photos of him with some randomer- I haven't seen the photos in question as the events coordinator deleted them but my heart stank, DH said she kissed him when he was drunk and he pushed her off after the photo was taken.( I know i should have been snooping) I feel so cheated into what I thought was a loving relationship, if I had found out back then I would of walked away but 6 years down the line with three DCS almost thirty I don't think I can do that to the children but at the same time i'm wondering if anything else has happened throughout our whole relationship i'm questioning everything. I don't understand why he would marry and have children with me if he had done that, i wondering if people were laughing at me behind my back.

Back then I was fairly attractive and much slimmer his friends would tell him how lucky he was, but now its a struggle to get ready with small children or to find time to get a decent hair cut. I feel utterly worthless no one would want to be with me and I feel like part of my confidence has been destroyed. What really upset me the most is I've been loyal throughout the relationship, I feel pretty gullible and embarrassed. Its just such a difficult time in my life to leave, everything ups in the air with the youngest DS regarding his health and I know my other two Dc would be devastated if we split. Its harder this time round as theres more DC to think of and I cant rely on my parents like I did the first time round. I guess I just feel so hopeless.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 25-Aug-16 08:14:43

Hang fire a bit!

You've been snooping on his messages and the only thing you've found is him asking for some photos to be deleted from 5 years ago? Nothing else to suggest he has actually cheated. It is perfectly possible that your DH is telling the truth in that this random person kissed him when he was drunk. Yes, I know it might not be, but if that is all you have to go on, no other suspicions or dodgy emails, or hours of each week where he disappears off without an verifiable explanation, that seems to be a huge leap to throw five years away for.

It is perfectly possible that your past experiences, understandably, are putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5. Are you having any form of counselling about your past? I think it might help. Only you know your DH and whether you think he might have cheated on you. We can't really advise but I don't see this being a thread where I can say "leave the bastard".

LumpyMcBentface Thu 25-Aug-16 08:19:22

I don't see that he's done anything wrong.

Smurfit Thu 25-Aug-16 08:22:41

I think you're letting old experiences cloud your judgement. Yes - clearly he should have told you back then however 5 years is a long time.

In my experience, you need to make a conscious decision whether or not you will trust him. It's not a forgiveness thing, it's all about trust because without it, what point is forgiveness?

TheNaze73 Thu 25-Aug-16 08:25:30

Tell him what you've been doing & ask him if he wants to continue being with you. The only thing I can see he's done wrong, is leaving access to the device where the photos were stored. Why on earth did you snoop??

doji Thu 25-Aug-16 08:30:26

His explanation doesn't sound impossible. If he was deliberately pulling another woman he'd probably avoided having his photo taken with her unless he was either very drunk, or had been suprised by her, given that he obviously didn't want those photos out there.

I can see why it's made you feel crap, but unless he has a history of other shady behaviour, I think you probably have to look at your underlying insecurities and analyse why you were snooping in the first place? This wasn't just a quick scan of his recent txts either - you went back 5 years...

I think I'd be just as hurt to find out my partner had invaded my privacy to such an extent, as I would to find they'd had a drunken snog in the early days of our relationship.

Heartonmysleeve1 Thu 25-Aug-16 08:46:18

I don't know why I snooped, I hold my hands up and admit it was wrong, I think its the lying about it that got me, trust is a big thing for me (which i know ironically I too have broke that) He knows I looked as I told him.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 25-Aug-16 08:50:08

I know others may disagree but I do think that lying by omission isn't necessarily the same as an outright lie, if you see what I mean. If you regard something as a non-incident, it's not really a lie.

I think a lot of people of either sex, if they were out for a night, were a bit drunk, will have received a kiss from some random other drunk person in a bar or club. Unsolicited. Would they necessarily go home and tell their partner that some random gave them a kiss? Some would, a lot wouldn't, because it was a non-incident in which they weren't really participating. If they were drunk, they might not even remember it - unless, as is possible in this case, a photo got taken.

Heartonmysleeve1 Thu 25-Aug-16 08:56:24

I agree still that its not necessarily go seeking it it up the opportunity arises, thing is I've had lads come and try and kiss me but I've already pushed them away before they even get the chance to, I wouldnt go there not at my most drunkest

0dfod Thu 25-Aug-16 09:03:35

I don't think that you should feel bad for looking, things should not be hidden between partners.

Talk to him Op, tell him how you feel about yourself, how you worry about being cheered on again and ask him to support and help you.

You sound really down, I hope that it is nothing and that all is ok. flowers

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 25-Aug-16 09:05:25

But not everyone is the same as you when they are drunk. And I'm sorry, but I've had some random woman grab me and kiss me in a club without having any idea before hand - and I wasn't drunk at all, as I was driving. It is perfectly possible to be caught totally unawares, drunk or otherwise. And if you are drunk, you can be even less aware - your "drunkest" isn't necessarily the same as someone else's "drunkest".

I'm sorry, but I really do think you have issues from your past that you need to address or you are going to ruin this relationship and potentially any future ones.

Heartonmysleeve1 Thu 25-Aug-16 09:15:55

Thanks 0dfod I have been feeling a bit low these last couple of months as its been a lot on with the baby, I've never really felt the need to look before I've always been laid back went out socialising separately never really questions things so it is out of character for me.

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