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DH over the limit to drive?(22 Posts)
I'm fuming with DH (so much so he's gone to sleep in the next room).
He's been out on a night out in London with a mate, had a meal and got back at midnight-ish. This involves him having to do a 20 minute drive back from the train station. I could smell the booze on him & asked him what he had. He wasn't acting drunk but acting upbeat from a night out. He said he had an espresso margarita cocktail at 5.30pm and 2 pints of premium beer thereafter (& a steak dinner). I honestly don't know if he had wine too - he didn't say but I can't be sure. On that alone, then driving at 11.30pm, would this take him over the limit??
My argument is if you know you are driving later then you can have ONE drink to be social (bottle of beer at start of evening) then no more after.
He does not go out v often and is defo not a boozer. He is 6ft and about 14+ stone.
I just want to know if I'm overreacting or not. I feel so disappointed in him and his arrogance.
Oh gosh I don't think you can over react enough in this sort of situation, he could have killed someone or himself!! I say that not lightly as my now ex got himself banned twice!! I'm sure it won't be the last time either...sad to say but probably true since the idiot was stupid enough to do it twice. The second time I actually felt guilty because I hadn't made a bigger issue of it the first time round. I was tired and dealing with a newborn and a preschooler but I felt that if I'd gone nuts he might have thought twice before rolling the dice again....clearly not though!
So my advice is, go fucking mental at him!
Thank you - and sorry about your experience Lilly.
He has done this once before, about a year ago (with the same mate I believe) but not in all the years before that. I went apeshit then and I must admit reprimanded him in from of the kids too I was so angry (which riled him).
Im sure he didn't feel pissed but that's not the point - his judgement was probably impaired without him knowing. I honestly think he thought he was fine (Or borderline) but the arrogant part of him assumed he was ok.
So how do I get him to understand his actions and take responsibility? I do not want him to EVER do this again (but I'm worried now he will lie to me in future).
Btw he doesn't have a track record of this or rolling in drunk, if he did I would contemplate threatening to call the police.
I'm not sure he would have been over the limit. The beer would have less than 3 units a pint. Not sure about the cocktail. Over 6 hours that's 6 units dissipated, plus a heavy meal would stop absorbtion. You are allowed approx 2 units in your system to drive I believe.
Years ago, I was nearly killed by a drunk driver. As it was, I spent 6wks in hospital recovering. He walked away without a scratch and his excuse was that he didn't feel drunk.
You need to make a stand now before your dh maims or kills someone.
I have zero sympathy for someone who chooses to drink & drive and I think we are too soft on them when they are caught.
No way of knowing, every person processes alcohol at varying speeds depending on the circumstances. It's roughly 1 unit per hour but there's so many variables that can't be relied upon.
Buy him one of those re-usable breathalysers for xmas... they wouldn't hold up as a defence, but at least it a way of getting an idea - and he might take the hint that you're concerned!
FWIW, given the information you've posted about what/when he drank and his height/weight, he'd probably be under the limit by 11.30pm. That's just an opinion though, the only reliable way is not to drink at all.
You can't get him to take responsibility for his actions, he has to want to do that himself. It sounds like he excused himself with the fact that he wasn't roaring drunk (neither was my ex) and that it not something he does regularly and hey look nothing bad happened everything is ok! It's not ok though, but he has to see and feel that for himself!
My ex watched me have to ferry around the DC, newborn, car seat and pram cos he couldn't drive. I had to do all the shopping and school runs and ferry him to the job centre weekly as his ban meant he could no longer do his job. After going through all that he still hadn't leaned and got banned again and banned for years!! I was beside myself with upset and anger. It was just such a selfish thing to do, something so easily avoided by calling a fucking taxi, it's not like we couldn't afford one!
Admittedly your DH doesn't sound as bad but it's still bad! I honestly don't know what you can do to make him understand how terrible drink driving is and how far reaching the possible impacts could be on your family. I tried all sorts from being supportive to going bat shit crazy, clearly none worked. My ex however was and arse, your DH well...he was an arse for drink driving but only you know if he is an arse in general.
Thanks thickandthin. I'm not entirely sure on limits of alcohol. I've googled and it's a bit confusing the limits in the blood etc. An online calculator said he was over the limit to drive. But I guess it's not an exact science. I wouldn't even consider a cocktail if I was driving later.
I'm cross regardless that he was clearly borderline but still took the risk. Sure he'd love to drink more but he has a drive home and has to be back at work for 7am! Not to mention a family...
Generally a pint of beer (4%) is 3 units. A typical cocktail can contain 2- 3 units or more. Someone who isn't used to drinking would be more affected than someone that drinks regularly.
No, he isn't an arse in general, far from it and probably got carried away catching up with a good mate. It is a pain for him to drink and make his way back home from London. It will involve an expensive taxi or a hotel (which he has done in he past) so he just doesn't go out, or has one drink and comes home early.
Perhaps he was ok, perhaps not but the gamble isn't worth it (& he would lose his job if he got a criminal record). Idiot.
Yes I agree with breathalyser he can use. It might ease your worries or alternatively scare him.
People commenting now may totally be against any drinking at all and driving, but the fact is than isn't illegal in England and I believe Wales.
If you feel very very strongly about any alcoholic drink and not driving, I'd try and get that across to him. If he thinks you are over cautious, then I think you have to accept that, if he's remaining within the law.
Is there a taxi rank outside the station? That may be the answer for you both if the case.
A cocktail and two strong beers is probably 7 units - 3 in the cocktail, 2 each in each of the beers (if bottled). A man of average size would probably process the cocktail by 8.30, the first beer by 10.30 and be - effectively - one beer 'in' by 11.30. I suspect he was borderline okay to drive if that is all he had, but it is still pushing things to take this gamble and I wouldn't be happy. Being caught over the limit is no joke - bye bye licence, big fine, possible prison sentence. Surely not worth it for the price of either not having the beer or getting a taxi.
My sentiments exactly trifle.
At the very least the fact that it upsets me so much should make him think twice.
Had a terrible nights sleep (angry, hot, DD woke up) but things seem calmer today. Will broach the subject again and hope he takes in my point of view.
I think I'm so cross as I used to work with a guy who drank and drove everywhere. Everyone knew it but said what could they do about it? I was fuming and was the only one who stood up to him. He wasn't an arrogant twat but a lovely, funny and popular guy, I think that's why no one said anything. The crux was when he gave some of my friends a lift home after a night out and he mounted the curb. They never got in with him again. I was shocked at how many people turned a blind eye.
What others have said. Based on his size, and the amount of time elapsed, he's more likely than not below the legal limit.
I know this because he's the same size as me - a 14-stone feller - and I'm aware that the threshold for me, over an evening, would be anything over three pints.
But here's the thing - I'm basically pissed on three pints and in no fit state to drive a car (and would never do so). It's as much about whether it's a sensible and safe thing to do, and in my view it clearly isn't.
He would almost certainly NOT be over the limit. (8 units over 6 hours, ish)
Your attitude is helping nobody. Talk to him rationally and suggest he carries breathalysers but to be timing at him like he is a child when the chances are he's done nothing wrong is bat-shit crazy. Sorry.
This story reminds me of a friend who done the same thing. It was terrible. The friend had been out for a boozy lunch and she thought it okay to drive home. She said she only had two drinks, but im not sure. She wasnt so lucky and she ran over a rabbit on her way home. Everytime I think about it it makes me upset. The rabbit passed away and my friend was devisated. But it could easily have been a fox or a much larger animal so you must tell your DH this story and hope that he realises that he should not do this. I would also consider calling the police and telling them what you suspect. I know its drastic, but he will thank you in the long run. Stay safe.
You'll never truly never know if he was or wasn't, it would have been borderline. I don't think you being concerned is batshit, you're looking out for him & your family
Thanks. Obviously a few days have passed and not much has been said on the subject since other than he should be more mindful of what he is consuming and perhaps to stay away from cocktails which could be stronger and harder to quantify in units.
I don't think 'going batshit' when I genuinely thought there was a chance he was over the limit was an OTT reaction. But I don't have to justify how I reacted, I'm sure most of you would react the same way if you'd smelt strong alcoholic fumes on your partner's breath. I'm sure a police officer would have taken that view too! But I am reassured that the odds are he was under the limit. Lessons have been learnt!
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