My husband has a second facebook account - is he cheating?

[user1472075705]

Hi,

I suspect my husband is cheating or is about to cheat. Few days ago he was using facebook on my laptop and forgot to log out. Perhaps I should not have done it, but I went through his facebook messages and discovered he sent a friend request to a woman. I do not know the woman. He exchanged some emails with her and said to her 'I sent you friends request from another account, did you get it?' She responded yes. She is not in his FB friends list on his regular profile. I went through her friends list and discovered she has him in her friends list, but not with his regular name, but with shortened name. I am sure it is him, he still used his first name, but shortened his last name. His location also matches the town we live in. So basically he has set up a second FB account. I do not know what to think. I want to ask him, but I do not have a solid proof. Very confused right now. We have 2 children together, a 2 year old and a 3 months old. If he is cheating on me, I cannot even imagine what to do! Most likely I will have to divorce him because I will not be able to forgive him. Or forgive myself for turning a blind eye. But I cannot imagine being a single mum to my two boys and they will not have a proper family life. Please advise what to do in this situation. Thanks.

[Mymouthgetsmeintrouble]

Send him a friends request on the sneaky profile whilst hes in the same room as you and watch his reaction

[Georgeofthejungle]

Just confront him. Tell him what you did and ask him to explain. It does sound quite fishy but maybe nothing too sinister that you can't work through. Good luck!

[Georgeofthejungle]

Love that idea mymouth! Then confront him.

[notapizzaeater]

Ha ! Yes I'd do that and see him squirm ...

[Faez]

Then he'd suspend the account and deny all knowledge. Add him from a fake profile, say you're new to the area. Not sure if I'd have the balls myself in your situation but then I'd have to know.

[FATEdestiny]

Definitely yes to the friends request.

I should point out that I have a second Facebook account, purely innocently. I set one up years and years ago, added a load of friends and then got bored with Facebook and stopped using FB completely.

Rediscovered FB last year, opened a new account, added loads of friends. Then discovered that some friends have two of me on their friends list - the one from eons ago and my current FB account. However I don't know the email address liked to the old one, probably won't still have access to it even if I did, and don't know the FB password. So I can't close that account.

There can be innocent reasons for second accounts.

However the message he sent to this woman kinda scuppers that idea

[TheBriarAndTheRose]

I'd draw the same conclusion as you,to be honest. Doesn't look good

[Darcychu]

Yeah! Make a new profile and Act like a woman wanting to male a male friend,ask questions etc about his life and see if hes truthful if hes open to the idea then straight up ditch him, If he does then what a douche! but atleast you'd know!

and atleast you have the proof if he denies it

[WamBamThankYouMaam]

I have 2 accounts. One is for bans. It's quite common in the groups I'm in.

Sounds a bit weird to only add someone as a friend on the 2nd one though.

[Trifleorbust]

Definitely weird. I would be tempted bide my time to be honest (although you would need to be very, very patient!). You could confront him and he will minimise/excuse it, or you could wait to see if there are any other red flags and go from there. If he is cheating, you will know soon.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

But I cannot imagine being a single mum to my two boys and they will not have a proper family life.

You might need to get over this. And the legions of hardworking, loving, successful single mums birthday n here might take issue with the "proper".

[Trifleorbust]

"You might need to get over this. And the legions of hardworking, loving, successful single mums birthday n here might take issue with the "proper"."

Harsh. I suspect most single parent (not just mums) who had a choice would accept that separation is a difficult decision because of the impact on family life.

[HappyJanuary]

Yes harsh. Most women who face the end of their marriage mourn the loss of traditional family life for their children. And honestly, as a single parent I try my best, but there are times when I know they miss out because their dad no longer lives with us.

[DaDman66]

Sounds suspicious tbh. There are reasons people have second accounts though.

If you know someone well from mumsnet then get them to add him and see how he acts.
There are other ways of finding out what someone else is doing on a shared computer though, but just bare in mind that if you're wrong and he's innocent then snooping will cause it's own issues in your relationship.

[Missgraeme]

He has requested a woman to join him on his sneaky account. Spells it out to me.
Sorry.

[WindInThePussyWillows]

Sounds pretty shady to me!

I guess if you're looking for the good in people he could have set up a second account for professional reasons like only having work content to promote his business and to keep private life private?

You just need to ask him outright

[DavetheCat2001]

I'd just ask him OP. I'd want to deal with it asap, and trying to be convoluted about setting up a new account/adding him/watching his reaction etc would just stress me out.

You can normally tell if someone is lying to you. I'd just confront him and take it from there.

Good luck. I can imagine you're feeling pretty low x

[user1472075705]

A little update. I figured out login and password and opened his second FB account. I wish I did not, but sometimes it is better to know the truth. In this secret account he had conversations and video chat with 2 women, one was his ex, the other he met on a plane while coming back from family visit. With his ex there was a video chat and some conversations about their past. With this other woman there was a lot of sexual communication, she sent him pics of herself, he also sent her pics, the did video chat many times. I can only guess what went during those video chats. The whole communication lasted for about 1 month. I do not know if they met in person and had sex. He denies he ever met her, just chatted with her. I showed him a copy of all their conversations, as a solid proof and he could not deny it. Now he is apologising and wants to stay in the marriage. I am thinking about divorce, how can I trust him after this? The only thing that is stopping me is the loss of traditional family life, 2 children and a mortgage. Sad really. Not sure what to do now....

[HappyJanuary]

It is awful when you make this sort of discovery, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Having been through the agony of trying to heal a broken marriage I would always err on the side of separation after something like this, but in many ways reaching that decision can be harder than the break up itself.

For now, you don't have to rush into any decisions. You can tell him that it's a huge life-changing decision and that you need time. Counselling, alone or as a couple, may help you reach a decision. How he behaves, and how you feel about him, over the coming weeks might help you to make a decision.

Just know that, should you decide to separate, you and your children will be fine. You don't have to spend a lifetime with a man who doesn't deserve you.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - that must have been a bit of a shock.
I would suggest you need a bit of space to get your head around this.
You have long weekend ahead.
Could you go off on your own to a family member or a friend.
Just have a couple of night of thinking all this over without him in your head-space?
Or could he go somewhere for a week or so?
Why are men suck feckin' cocks???
Give yourself some time for now. No knee jerk reactions.
Decide what YOU want!

they will not have a proper family
Yes they will. They have a wonderful mum who doesn't take any shit from anyone and that is one good example to be setting your DC.
There are millions of families out there. All very different.
If you decide you can't forgive they can still have 2 parents who co-parent them together just not living under the same roof.

[hellsbellsmelons]

such feckin' cocks! Sorry

[SandyY2K]

He's sorry because you found out. That's the long and short of it. If you didn't this would have progressed to a full blown PA at some point if disgrace wasn't a barrier.

He knew it was wrong hence the secret FB account.

How will he build that trust up again.

[Georgeofthejungle]

Wharra wanker. Hugs to you! Agree with above comments - your little ones will have a mummy and daddy who love them regardless of whether you LTB. If you decide not to if at least kick up a massive stink and make him sleep in the spare room for a long long time.

[perfectcolourfound]

So sorry you're going through this @user1472075705 but I couldn't stay with him if I were you.

He's cheated. Lied. With more than one woman. And would have continued to do so if you hadn't found him out. Now you know and he's downplaying it. Don't let him convince you that this is anything other than sleazy, cheating, dishonest behaviour. How would you ever trust him again? It's only a matter of time before he does it again.

And please don't stay because you're frightened of your children not having a 'proper family life'. I can assure you that single parent families are still proper families. I'm one of those people who made the jump from married to single parent, and we (me and DC) were just as much a family. You don't have to have 2 parents to be a family.

I'd rather be the child of separated parents, living in a loving home, than the child of parents who are married but living with resentment, cheating, disrespect and distrust.