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Escorts and DH acting like nothing has happened

(44 Posts)
DollsHouseTroubles Wed 24-Aug-16 22:46:50

About a month ago i discovered that DH has been to a prostitute. Found out on the night it happened. He admitted he's called one and went to her address but according to him changed his mind at the door and did not go in. Which might or might not be true (he withdrew £150 that night and came back with around £90 but also had drinks in friend's company and then alone).
I wasnt particularly shocked by the discovery as our relationship has been crap for a long time. Sex life is non existent because he is addicted to porn and was always more keen to do that than get close with me. Over the years i have managed to detach from all this but in the begining it hurt. A lot. I almost resigned to the fact that at 35 i'm done with intimacy and sex and that there was little of that in the future and i was kind of ok with that. Kind of. Now his visit to escorts has opened a wound which i seem to have hidden and healed (or so i thought). It hurts and i feel such a rage towards him. I hate him with passion. The thing is, he acts like nothing has happened. Come evening he picks up his ipad and goes to bed (we sleep separately) leaving me downstairs, making no effort to talk about things. He knows i am angry. It was his birthday a few days ago and I didn't even mention it, DS wrote a card and gave it to him and that was that.

What hurts me the most is not the fact he might have shagged a prostitute but the fact he is so detached and makes zero effort to fix things. He calls me during the day and we might talk like everything is ok and have a laugh or he can apologise for his behaviour but when we're home, face to face, he doesnt talk about what happened, totally ignores it. It drives me insane. How can this relationship ever get better if he prefers to hide upstairs? How can he act like all is ok? Am i supposed to start difficult conversation after what he did? Why should I? Does he not care?...

I did think of leaving but i dont think i can afford to and neither can he. So how do we make this work, is it up to me to start the fixing (yet again)? What would you do?

MakemineaGandT Wed 24-Aug-16 22:51:05

I can't see a happy future for you with him. Be brave and give him the push. You deserve so much better.

chocoLit Wed 24-Aug-16 22:53:35

You're 35 not 95!!!! Come on now, there's a whole world out there with the possibility of a lovely partner to share intimacy/sex with.

Get rid of that waste of prostitute visiting waste of space and live a little!!

DollsHouseTroubles Wed 24-Aug-16 22:55:15

I contemplated finding someone for sex but i would struggle with the moral side of it and ultimately i want to feel loved not just have a shag with a person who doesn't care.

Kids would be heartbroken, they love their dad dearly. I seem to be trying to make peace with 'my lot' but struggle...

chocoLit Wed 24-Aug-16 22:59:20

And bollox to not affording it. This is a man that thinks it's ok to take out £150 for sex?!?! Eh, no.

chocoLit Wed 24-Aug-16 23:00:46

Making peace and settling are two entirely different things.

The DCs can still love their dad. You're not stopping them......

MakemineaGandT Wed 24-Aug-16 23:02:35

Do you actually love him?

DollsHouseTroubles Wed 24-Aug-16 23:04:37

No, i don't love him. Sometimes i think he's ok but love? No

99percentchocolate Wed 24-Aug-16 23:05:55

I grew up with parents that stayed together for me and financial reasons. It was terrible and I really wish they hadn't. Please don't do it to yours, they may be upset for a few months but they'll get over it.

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 24-Aug-16 23:08:12

Tbh it sounds like he checked out of your relationship a long time ago so he probably doesn't think there is anything to talk about. And, in a way, I think he's right. You don't need to talk about the prostitute. You need to split up.
It sounds as though this is way passed the stage where talking can fix it.

DollsHouseTroubles Wed 24-Aug-16 23:08:41

I think i could do with some therapy but what's the point if it's just me working on things? We went to relate some years back but nothing changed. I would go again but why is it me who needs to suggest it? Why is it always me, i with he took initiative and showed me that he cares!

chocoLit Wed 24-Aug-16 23:09:47

Have you tried counselling or are you past the point of caring? Can you make a plan? it doesn't need to be dramatic, just small steps and the start of a change for you and the DC?

Again, you are only 35..........

DollsHouseTroubles Wed 24-Aug-16 23:12:35

I bring home £1700/month after tax (part time, full time would be £2100 or so). 2 bed house/flat is close to £1000 in our area. Childcare is another £1000... I cant see how i can afford it. Not to mention car/council tax/tv etc etc...sad

annandale Wed 24-Aug-16 23:14:17

Why do you think he does care? He doesn't spend time with you and fiddles around with other women. Is this even a relationship any more, sounds more like a slightly rubbish brother or flatmate?

I am someone who believes even apparently dead relationships can reanimate, but there has to be a will for it to happen. Ask him what he wants in life, what are his goals and dreams. Message him if you have to.

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Aug-16 23:15:03

Go onto the Entitled To calculator here and enter your finances - you'll see which benefits you're entitled to.

Then go onto the child maintenance calculator and enter his wages - your benefits won't be affected by any child maintenance you receive.

Be brave. You're 35. Do you really want to be there in 10 years time? What will happen when the children leave home? There will be just you and him alone together - that would be really awful, your youth wasted and him still hanging around.

Start to plan. You don't have to do anything yet, but start to dream about a life you could have without him.

annandale Wed 24-Aug-16 23:16:20

Does he earn? Is that a fulltime childcare cost? Wouldn't he pay half the childcare?

MakemineaGandT Wed 24-Aug-16 23:22:11

He's a loser and you don't love him. What are you waiting for? My first ever: LTB

DollsHouseTroubles Wed 24-Aug-16 23:22:12

He does earn good money and pays all of it (i only occassionally need to cover small part of it). Financially things are ok although he has a lot of debt. I'm scared i wouldn't manage...

I know i need to knuckle down and learn things at work (IT, so plenty opportunities...) so that in a few years time i can spread my wings.. Perhaps i need to concentrate on that instead of making immediate exit plans...

MakemineaGandT Wed 24-Aug-16 23:28:06

If you do that OP you are postponing the inevitable........and putting off your chance of finding real happiness!

avamiah Wed 24-Aug-16 23:28:45

OP, my mother suffered terrible domestic abuse from her husband, my dad, she didn't work and only had a small amount of savings but she managed to find the strength to walk out and take me with her and start again .
I'm sorry OP, watching porn and visiting escorts is bad enough but not while he is still living in the family home with children.
He needs to leave and if he won't you have to GO.

annandale Wed 24-Aug-16 23:32:30

Tbh you earn good money too. Yes rent is hideously high and I think you would be pretty broke but childcare costs will come down at least.

Shut off the modem and go and talk to him.

DollsHouseTroubles Wed 24-Aug-16 23:34:48

annandale, he is fast asleep right now. Tomorrow. Though i do feel like a mug because again, it's me needing to talk while he seems ok. Fucking shitface.

KeepItToYourselfPlease Thu 25-Aug-16 07:33:21

Please don't let money be the factor holding you back.

Different situation but same end circumstances - I was left with DC at the beginning of the year. I had many sleepless nights wondering how I would cope.

But I am. And you will too.

Your large child care costs are only for the short term and you would probably qualify for child tax credits to help with this too.
You will get single persons discount for council tax etc

Your dignity is priceless.

Cary2012 Thu 25-Aug-16 07:54:04

In your opening post you ask 'What would you do?'

I'd hire a SHL, and divorce him. That's what I'd do OP.

This isn't a marriage, you can't fix it on your own.

He has a porn addiction, and did or didn't have sex with a prostitute.

He can't make the effort to fix your marriage.

It's over, you need to face this, and move on.

Don't worry about the finances because you are probably entitled to more than you think. You say you can't afford to leave. From what you've said, I don't think you can afford to stay.

DollsHouseTroubles Thu 25-Aug-16 11:46:29

It hurts today. I'm sat at work swinging between feeling ok and smiling and struggling to hold back the tears.
Had an argument this morning, he did what he always does- tries to initially lay the blame and responsibility at my door. He is in his own words 'trying to talk to me'. It's me who doesn't respond.
Anyways, we are meeting somewhere after work to talk about things. I'm not holding my breath, i think i've heard it all before. He's working on his addiction, he's doing quite well, then he will talk about financial future plans. I would like him to address ME, i would like to hear that he realises how much he hurt me and that he cares enough and is willing to do anything to change. I would like him to start making effort to connect with me but dont think that will happen.

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