Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

is it reasonable to give this 6 months?

(81 Posts)
AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 20:49:36

i dont want to do a mammoth post - but dp and i have been seeing each other in difficult circumstances for 18 months.
he is divorced but the sale of his marital home kept falling through and he has only just completed the sale and moved out into his own home. he was worried about his financial settlement and did not ever tell his ex that he was seeing anyone.

this was a home we had picked together - at the time i was pregnant - he is desperate for children. we are both mid 40s and i have two grown up successful and well adjusted children by my ex dh who im still on good terms with - he has none. the pregnancy was not planned but he was delighted and i began to feel more optimistic about our future.

we discovered this baby had an abnormality in the second trimester and we opted not to continue with the pregnancy - i think our reasons for doing this were different. i did not want my child to suffer. he did not want a disabled child. it has had a massive toll on me as its something that did not sit well with me and its hurt me both physically and mentally.
im starting counselling next month. during this time i only saw him twice. he was with me the day i gave birth but seems oblivious to the toll this has taken on me.

he has just moved into the home we picked together and i imagined that while we would not be joined at the hip we would come together each night and i would stay or he would stay with me at mine.

we have been together a total of 2 nights. i helped him clean and unpack. when i asked this morning if he wanted me to go back there tonight he said he had things to do.
fair enough - he has. but i asked if me being there stopped him being able to do them - he said it does a bit.

ive come home to my own house. ive been such a door mat.
last night he was talking about trying again for a baby but today i see there is no commitment from him.
its very much his house. it will be a case of i may use the facilities but its his - not a home for "us" anymore.

he is a difficult character. he is distant. morose, he needs a lot of space but i accept him for who he is and i do love him.
i have said that having children should be a natural progression and that i will only contemplate it again if i am in a secure committed relationship.

he knew i was hurt this morning but he is clueless as to why. i couldnt express myself because i would have become emotional so i just left. he knew - he came running after me for a kiss. he was working this afternoon where i wasnt. i have a set of keys to the house but dont feel i could just go without permission. i have decided to give this 6 months and see if anything changes.
am i being a delusional idiot? if i am - tell me gently - im still very raw from losing the baby.
6 months. is that a reasonable thing to do?

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:00:24

he text me earlier - i said lets just give it 6 months and see if theres any commitment after that.
text - probably vv unreasonable. but we are shit at communicating. ive realised that today too.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 24-Aug-16 21:01:30

I wrote this then rewrote more gently. I am sorry for your loss.

He abandoned you when you lost your baby. You are unreasonable to give it 6 minutes never mind 6 months.

Dump and run. Fast running. In which ever direction is away from him. There's a reason he is divorced and you are seeing it now. Run.

FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 21:02:29

So sorry for you loss, what an awful time you must be having, why would you want to be with someone difficult and morose let alone try again with him, did he express any sort of emotion some men hide it well, did he not support you at all during this sad time?

Cary2012 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:08:21

Sorry for your loss.

Your priority is coming to terms with your loss, through counselling and allowing yourself to grieve.

I don't think you're a delusional idiot, I think you're very kind and sensitive.

I think six months, is reasonable, but three months would be better. Gives him time to settle, to find hi s feet. He sounds closed emotionally, is he putting on a brave face over the loss of the baby? Is he quite detached emotionally?

Please take your time, and build a life for yourself. I don't think you should expect too much, so hedge your bets. And please don't try for another baby, that would be wrong, and too much for you to deal with on many levels at this stage.

Good luck.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:11:55

he is very detached emotionally yes. he doesnt feel empathy - he knows and admits this but cant help it.

i dont know why i expect anything different - but i do. and every time i just get disappointed and let down.

i just imagined we would spend time together now. its clear he doesnt want that. he seems to think i cant just be there without somehow getting in his way.

FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 21:16:59

I really think, ( precious loss) aside, there are some serious red flags here, he does not feel empathy, does he show any type of emotion ? hope you do not mind me delving..ast this sad time, but is he abusive at all..maybe emotionally towards you

2kids2dogsnosense Wed 24-Aug-16 21:18:50

Please don't make any hasty decisions. You are in a state go great grief - and probably so it he. He wanted this child - alright, he couldn't cope with child txt wasn't "perfect", but that doesn't mean that he isn't in pain, too.

I think it's very sad that you can't provide comfort for one another at this very, very sad time, but it seems that you cope with distress in different ways; you want to be held and comforted, and be reassured that you are still loved and valued and have an opportunity to share your distress; he seems to be retreating - perhaps denying what has happened and trying to convince himself that baby can be "written off" (s/he can't, of course, and if he doesn't learn to come to terms with his own unacknowledged grief he will be very damaged by it.

I suspect that the two of you will find it hard to find some common ground, but I think you would both be wise to take things very slowly at the moment and not make any great changes just yet.

His suggestion that you have another child straight away may be a complete disregard for your feelings, and how this dreadfully sad termination has affected you physically and emotionally, or it may be that he is desperately trying to fill the gap that the lost baby has left in your lives. There is no way to tell but time may reveal the truth.

Please look after yourself and if there is anyone you can share your pain with, do. You need support and affirmation.

Holding you in my prayers.

2kids2dogsnosense Wed 24-Aug-16 21:19:38

Sorry for all of the misspellings.

CatsGoPurrrr Wed 24-Aug-16 21:20:19

So sorry for your loss

He's told you that he doesn't feel empathy. But you do: He can't support you or be what you need. I can't see how a relationship with someone like this could work for you.xx

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:24:34

he is very closed, dismissive. i believe he has attachment issues.
he just doesnt feel empathy. he is judgemental and selfish. he does put himself above all others.

things were done and said during the loss that cant be undone. i am off work still 7 weeks post termination and that embarrasses him. we both work in the same field and for the same service.
he also accused me of emotional blackmail to get time off during the termination. i did deal with it mostly alone - he was there on the day and then for 2 days after but coincidentally his ex was away else i dont actually think he would have stayed with me.

i know he behaved terribly during this time but i said things too.
we agreed to draw a line under it and start again from when he moved.

its just the disappointment, i had expectations that we would be together and this would be a fresh start.
hes made it clear he doesnt want me there all the time.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:30:51

i think his ex grounded him - he seems quite chaotic really although he would hate to think that - he sees himself as together and organised but his thoughts are chaotic - one moment he says he doesnt want to see me then the next he says come over.....there is no consistency but im as bad to be honest.
i say i wont see him then he calls and i go running. i feel responsible in a way because i didnt set boundaries. i was desperate to please. thats why i thought 6 months....ive got to move on somehow.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 24-Aug-16 21:36:54

Please don't move in with this man or have a baby with him. I'm so sorry for your terrible loss but it does not sound to me as though the dynamic of your relationship makes you able to support one another at difficult times and that's not a relationship to bring a baby into.

By all means keep seeing him if you want to but you are very wise to keep your distance as regards anything more serious.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:39:04

i am grieving but he denies it. he says i wear my heart on my sleeve and i seem fine.
he thought i should be back at work after 48 hours intially.
i lost a little girl. i named her and had her blessed and we had a cremation service for her.

he says he feels guilty for not feeling more guilty.
but i am eaten up with guilt at what i did.
he was there and i feel like at times he didnt deserve to be. he saw my pain. he held me when i cried at her cremation.
yet it doesnt seem to have touched him, he just wants a replacement and then and only then will i be "allowed in" to his world.
thats how it feels.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:40:24

it all feels very casual now. it seems to be all he wants.

Resilience16 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:40:42

Some questions. You said he didn't want his ex to know about you while the settlement was going through. Does she know about you now or are you still expected to be in the shadows?
What are his good points?
Have you actually had a conversation about what you both want out of this relationship?
You say he is morose and has no empathy .What do you expect to change in the next 6 months?
Why are you prepared to put up with the crumbs he throws you?
I'm sorry for the hard decisions you had to make, and I hope the counselling helps you.
Please don't feel you have to stick with this relationship, just because you have invested 18 months in it. You deserve someone who actually wants to be with you rather than someone who makes you feel you are getting in the way.
Big hugs for you x

SandyY2K Wed 24-Aug-16 21:50:09

YANBU

He seems to want a baby more than he wants you. Why didn't he have kids with his Ex? It's like he's left it a while and wants to rush it now.

I mean conception isn't a given for anyone and he isn't providing you with the safety and security you need

I'd question if I wanted him as the father of my child, because then you are forever bound

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:59:07

he had several round of IVF with his ex but she is a good deal older than him. almost the same age as his mother.

i am starting to feel like a brood mare.

he is not the kind of man women would throw themselves at. he is difficult. and yet i love him and just wanted a fresh start.

maybe a child would have given his life some meaning but i dont know. and now i darent risk it because he is keeping me at a distance that im not comfortable with.
his ex and him lived completely separate lives. he views me asking anything emotionally of him as needy.

FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 22:02:37

How old is he ? Op

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:04:51

i thought 6 months because A) im aware that making any life changing decisions after losing the baby is dangerous and B) because i cant waste my life on someone who doesnt want me.

i felt 6 months would be enough to assess this. weve not really had a relationship in the real world....its been like an affair even though his marriage was over and he was divorced. its all been so cloak and dagger. i thought give it a shot in the real world. give it 6 months. then reassess.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:05:28

he is 45 free

FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 22:07:42

So his xw was having IVF at what age ? You said she was older , old as his mum ...

Resilience16 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:10:45

I'm asking again, what do you THINK will change in the next 6 months? Not what you HOPE will happen ( ie he has a total personality change, sees the error of his ways and wants you to move in, hearts flowers happy ever after).
Realistically it's just going to be rinse and repeat.... He blows hot and cold because it keeps you on the back foot. It's about control and manipulation.
Just because you love someone it doesn't mean you have to stay with them. If they love you, they don't treat you badly.
You deserve more.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:21:46

free his ex stopped having ivf at 35.
resillience....i know. realistically i do know. yes im still in the shadows although im sure his ex knows but chose not to iyswim?
his good points - i dont know anymore. he let me believe he was someone else to begin with. he is tender. we used to work together and i saw him stop a car - an emergency vehicle - to get out and move a toad out of the road so it didnt get run over....he is an active conservationist, he loves nature, when he smiles it lights up a room (its rare though....he rarely smiles, he just seems sad most of the time)
no we havent really talked about the relatiionship - he just assumes ill have another baby and we will live happy ever after
i dont know what i expected to change. he is empty and sad but when he thought we were having a baby people kept telling me how happy he was, that they saw a different side to him, and i thought that too
the worst thing is that i absolutely adore this man. ive told him so often he is squandering that and one day there will be nothing left.
i know i deserve more. its why ive given myself a 6 month limit. i HAVE to move forward. with him or without him.
i wish i didnt love him. he clearly doesnt love me.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:31:18

oh and why am i prepared to put with the crumbs he throws me? because im damaged goods. i was sound with my ex who was so secure and so laid back, he propped me up. and we grew up together. but im damaged goods from way back. abusive childhood.

dp is also damaged, in a different way. i think his ex probably propped him up to. they grew up together in a way. i think he will end up regretting leaving in the end.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now