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is it reasonable to give this 6 months?

(81 Posts)
AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 20:49:36

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AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:00:24

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RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 24-Aug-16 21:01:30

I wrote this then rewrote more gently. I am sorry for your loss.

He abandoned you when you lost your baby. You are unreasonable to give it 6 minutes never mind 6 months.

Dump and run. Fast running. In which ever direction is away from him. There's a reason he is divorced and you are seeing it now. Run.

FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 21:02:29

So sorry for you loss, what an awful time you must be having, why would you want to be with someone difficult and morose let alone try again with him, did he express any sort of emotion some men hide it well, did he not support you at all during this sad time?

Cary2012 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:08:21

Sorry for your loss.

Your priority is coming to terms with your loss, through counselling and allowing yourself to grieve.

I don't think you're a delusional idiot, I think you're very kind and sensitive.

I think six months, is reasonable, but three months would be better. Gives him time to settle, to find hi s feet. He sounds closed emotionally, is he putting on a brave face over the loss of the baby? Is he quite detached emotionally?

Please take your time, and build a life for yourself. I don't think you should expect too much, so hedge your bets. And please don't try for another baby, that would be wrong, and too much for you to deal with on many levels at this stage.

Good luck.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:11:55

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FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 21:16:59

I really think, ( precious loss) aside, there are some serious red flags here, he does not feel empathy, does he show any type of emotion ? hope you do not mind me delving..ast this sad time, but is he abusive at all..maybe emotionally towards you

2kids2dogsnosense Wed 24-Aug-16 21:18:50

Please don't make any hasty decisions. You are in a state go great grief - and probably so it he. He wanted this child - alright, he couldn't cope with child txt wasn't "perfect", but that doesn't mean that he isn't in pain, too.

I think it's very sad that you can't provide comfort for one another at this very, very sad time, but it seems that you cope with distress in different ways; you want to be held and comforted, and be reassured that you are still loved and valued and have an opportunity to share your distress; he seems to be retreating - perhaps denying what has happened and trying to convince himself that baby can be "written off" (s/he can't, of course, and if he doesn't learn to come to terms with his own unacknowledged grief he will be very damaged by it.

I suspect that the two of you will find it hard to find some common ground, but I think you would both be wise to take things very slowly at the moment and not make any great changes just yet.

His suggestion that you have another child straight away may be a complete disregard for your feelings, and how this dreadfully sad termination has affected you physically and emotionally, or it may be that he is desperately trying to fill the gap that the lost baby has left in your lives. There is no way to tell but time may reveal the truth.

Please look after yourself and if there is anyone you can share your pain with, do. You need support and affirmation.

Holding you in my prayers.

2kids2dogsnosense Wed 24-Aug-16 21:19:38

Sorry for all of the misspellings.

CatsGoPurrrr Wed 24-Aug-16 21:20:19

So sorry for your loss

He's told you that he doesn't feel empathy. But you do: He can't support you or be what you need. I can't see how a relationship with someone like this could work for you.xx

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:24:34

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AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:30:51

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OTheHugeManatee Wed 24-Aug-16 21:36:54

Please don't move in with this man or have a baby with him. I'm so sorry for your terrible loss but it does not sound to me as though the dynamic of your relationship makes you able to support one another at difficult times and that's not a relationship to bring a baby into.

By all means keep seeing him if you want to but you are very wise to keep your distance as regards anything more serious.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:39:04

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AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:40:24

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Resilience16 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:40:42

Some questions. You said he didn't want his ex to know about you while the settlement was going through. Does she know about you now or are you still expected to be in the shadows?
What are his good points?
Have you actually had a conversation about what you both want out of this relationship?
You say he is morose and has no empathy .What do you expect to change in the next 6 months?
Why are you prepared to put up with the crumbs he throws you?
I'm sorry for the hard decisions you had to make, and I hope the counselling helps you.
Please don't feel you have to stick with this relationship, just because you have invested 18 months in it. You deserve someone who actually wants to be with you rather than someone who makes you feel you are getting in the way.
Big hugs for you x

SandyY2K Wed 24-Aug-16 21:50:09


He seems to want a baby more than he wants you. Why didn't he have kids with his Ex? It's like he's left it a while and wants to rush it now.

I mean conception isn't a given for anyone and he isn't providing you with the safety and security you need

I'd question if I wanted him as the father of my child, because then you are forever bound

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 21:59:07

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FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 22:02:37

How old is he ? Op

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:04:51

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AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:05:28

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FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 22:07:42

So his xw was having IVF at what age ? You said she was older , old as his mum ...

Resilience16 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:10:45

I'm asking again, what do you THINK will change in the next 6 months? Not what you HOPE will happen ( ie he has a total personality change, sees the error of his ways and wants you to move in, hearts flowers happy ever after).
Realistically it's just going to be rinse and repeat.... He blows hot and cold because it keeps you on the back foot. It's about control and manipulation.
Just because you love someone it doesn't mean you have to stay with them. If they love you, they don't treat you badly.
You deserve more.

AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:21:46

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AprilSkies44 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:31:18

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