Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What does this mean? "I want to feel loved"?

(13 Posts)
BugEyedBeans Wed 24-Aug-16 13:29:01

My guy says this when he is feeling down. It is what he seems to seek from our relationship.
We have a good time, lots common interests, he is kind, thoughtful, generous, sincere, fit and cute! He takes responsibility for his emotions! We communicate pretty well on emotional matters.
But I don't understand this needing to "feel loved". It makes me feel anxious that I am not providing what he is looking for. Could it stem back to his early years as an only child in a tight family unit, very close to both parents?
Is it me - tending to be less attached emotionally?
Can I reframe "wanting to be loved" as self-esteem, emotional security or something? Thanks for your thoughts.

FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 13:40:08

In what context did he say ' I want to feel loved' during a conversation or during words... is he depressed ... does he have contact with his family at all

RosettaPebble Wed 24-Aug-16 13:40:24

What does he say when you ask him what he means by this? Feeling loved is Subjective. For some it may mean they require more affection, others may need to feel listened to or any number of other things, only he knows what he needs from you.

ravenmum Wed 24-Aug-16 13:40:31

Sounds like a passive aggressive comment which really means "you are cold and unloving" but without saying anything nasty to you directly. He's reframing a comment about you as being a comment about him.

RosettaPebble Wed 24-Aug-16 13:42:30

Sorry posted too soon.

He could be depressed but he really needs to explain this better so that you can work out if something is missing from your relationship or from his life in general.

FreeFromHarm Wed 24-Aug-16 13:43:02

I was thinking that Raven..... Have you been together very long OP ?

mumndad37 Wed 24-Aug-16 14:39:41

He needs his ego stroked.

3littlefrogs Wed 24-Aug-16 14:42:00

"I want more sex" ? [cynical]

Runoutoftime16 Wed 24-Aug-16 14:44:45

It means he wants more sex

Joysmum Wed 24-Aug-16 14:46:45

I can relate what he's saying, not because I'm passive aggressive or think DH is cold and unloving.

It's just my DH shows love by buying things. His parents were tightwads. I show love by listening and doing little things I know he appreciates, my parents were too busy working for us to have much in the way of quality time together so it's that I appreciate most.

I know him buying me things I don't want or need isn't him buying me off, but it feels like it when I'm feeling unloved and unthought of because our connection is weakened when he's away or working long hours. It feels like he can do things I can't and like I'm last in his priorities.

Not everything has to be sinister but unfortunately MN means we see more of that than anything else.

TheNaze73 Wed 24-Aug-16 14:49:31

Just think he's saying he wants to feel valued in the relationship & not taken for granted. Not saying that you are OP, just how I'd perceive that

peripateticparents Wed 24-Aug-16 14:57:07

Bug eye ... I've not time to post fully, but Google 'five love languages'. We only feel loved fully when someone talks to us in 'our' love language. Unfortunately most people use their OWN ( which may not be their partners) language. Languages include: words (saying I love you); touch ( might be lots of cuddles, might be sex); gifts;quality time (doing things together) and acts of service (eg cooking dinner, fixing your car). EG: Someone could buy me flowers/gifts every day and I wouldn't feel loved .... While some people just feel extraordinarily special when they get presents

BugEyedBeans Wed 24-Aug-16 15:08:30

Thank you all for some very interesting comments, it all helps to clarify thinking about this...

FreeFrom yes he has been depressed, currently on ADs and doing great, but a bit of that comes through from time to time.
We have been together roughly a year, although with a very tentative start following my break up from previous relationship.

Raven I do tend to perceive criticism very easily, often unnecessarily, due to said previous relationship which was full of it.
And it is often true that what people say reflects more on themselves than on others.

3littlefrogs and Run yes he defo wants more sex! That is a whole other story - my libido has fallen off a cliff since chemo and menopause. I have been putting off talking to him about it, especially as this has changed over the last year too, diminished since the early exciting days.

Joysmum you have hit a nerve there, I think our upbringings and family backgrounds were very different, and so actually I do not feel the need to demonstrate my feelings much, whereas he very much does.

Happily I do not think it is a sinister red flag of neediness or emotional immaturity. I will talk or maybe write down some ideas as a prompt to talk to him.

Love MN posters quick response.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now